The year was 1898. The automobile and camera were only about 12 years old and in their most primitive forms. Moving pictures were only a dream. Hot air balloons were the closest thing to air travel at the time and steam-engine trains were considered "high speed" transportation. The industrial revolution beginning in the mid-1800s had changed the way people lived -- they were no longer concentrated in the rural farmlands. Our cities were filled with factory workers and unfortunately, many homeless beggars. Women had not yet won the right to speak openly about politics, let alone vote for a presidential candidate. Small children were put to work in the factories to help the family afford a modest city apartment. If you were unemployed, the local church and good friends might chip in to keep you alive. Many people died from childhood diseases because of the lack of medical knowledge. Scores of adults died young because they could not afford health care. People, in general, took nothing for granted. Every day was challenging, and they relished in their small successes when at the end of the day, stomachs were full and the fire was burning.

Now let's look at this time period from the standpoint of how parents approached child-rearing. Most children had a limited number of influences in their lives. Their immediate family, neighbors and select acquaintances in the community comprised their frame of reference. If they were fortunate enough to attend public school, they at least were able to learn about the "outside" world. If not, their world was the only world. Parents had a good idea who and what their children were exposed to on a daily basis. As you might imagine, teaching basic survival skills was a parent's top priority. As long as children could be raised to respect hard work and sacrifice, they would have the skills necessary to earn a decent living. Knowing that the average life span at the time was only about 45-50 years, parents recognized the importance of teaching self-sufficiency early in a child's life. Moral issues were, for the most part, taught and enforced by the church, with a heavy dose of God-fearing sermons. Those outside the church still managed to teach simple basic values because they knew honesty, integrity, and upright behavior were the keys to keeping a good job and taking care of a family. Getting in trouble with the law or an employer meant losing jobs -- being poor -- there were no unemployment lines or welfare program alternatives.

Life in 1898 was simple from the day-to-day activities point of view, but was difficult and complicated in that the "don't work/don't eat" philosphy ruled in everyone's hearts and minds. That led to numerous unfair labor practices, dishonest business scams and uncertain futures -- life was definitely far from perfect. Women raised their daughters to be homemakers and to speak when spoken to -- men raised their sons to be the breadwinners and to approach life with skepticism and caution. This was life (with some exceptions) as America entered the 20th century.

Now let's switch to the present. The year is 1998. Not only can our kids learn about the world with ease, they can interact with the world through numerous media alternatives including live television news broadcasts, MTV, the World Wide Web, speedy mail deliveries and virtual reality. They can fly across the world in a few hours, make home videos and play them back on the computer, create graphic images with a few keyboard strokes, and sit in a chat room (in the privacy of their bedrooms) and talk with celebrities, educators, world leaders and shady characters. Their parents are most likely working full-time, and pre-school age children spend their days with someone else's parent. At least half of our children have experienced divorce and one-third are living with only one parent. The manual labor children perform is usually limited to cutting the lawn or doing the dishes. Parents' main goals in raising their children today go far beyond teaching kids to survive. Most parents can only hope their kids will grow up to use all the interactive and fast-paced resources available to them in a positive way. Statistics prove, however, that these resources are more likely to give them an unrealistic view of human nature -- making it cool to carry guns, have unprotected sex and buy that nice new sports car with a plastic card. A parent's most daunting task is to teach their kids how to use resources the parents themselves are not even sure how to use. Progress has come so fast with so much vigor, that we as parents are bombarded with much more than we can realistically process and translate to our kids in an intelligent manner -- leaving us vulnerable, ignorant and sometimes intimidated.

Despite our fast-paced world, there's no question we have come a long way since 1896. We have more opportunity, but with that opportunity comes responsibility. We have more freedom, but with that comes the need for self-control. We have longer life, but are challenged to sustain its quality. How do we do it? Our more complicated and grey world demands a more focused and flexible parenting approach. The values we want to teach to our kids are much the same as those our parents and grandparents tried to teach us. The difference is in the delivery. If you're using the same techniques your parents did as recently as 20 years ago, you will most likely be ineffective. Our kids have more influences now that must be considered. We are forced to take a pro-active approach, where our parents probably took the re-active. We have to anticipate the affects the media (in any form) have on our children. We have to be prepared to say "no" when all the other parents are saying "yes."

What can you, as a single parent, do to give your child the best chance for success in the coming century?

1. Sit down frequently with your kids, one-on-one, and find out what's going on in their lives. Be interested, not suspicious!

2. Regardless of what the world teaches, or your kids say, you are still the parent. You are entrusted with the duty to raise responsible, law-abiding citizens. That means you have the final say in what they do on a daily basis. This doesn't mean you control them -- this means you guide them. If you don't, any number of individuals will.

3. Start early (when they're infants) to do the guiding. Anyone who waits until her child is 13 to start the process will be hard-pressed to get beyond the snickers and the smart remarks.

4. Don't automatically assume that getting married or having a live-in partner will make you a better parent. There are thousands of two-parent families who are doing a horrible job because they can't agree on values or parenting styles. Sometimes parenting alone is a blessing compared to what it would have been with the child's other parent by your side. Think long and hard before you take on a co-parent. Your children are like a million-dollar business investment. You would never choose just anyone to help you manage a business you've built so carefully yourself. Remember, if it won't improve your quality of life (emotionally, financially, mentally), it's not worth entering into a marriage or long-term relationship.

5. The best gift you can give your children is encouragement. Be interested in their talents. Help them learn from their failures and celebrate with them in their successes. In a world full of negative influences, you may be the only bright spot in their lives.

Of course, there are pros and cons to current parenting styles versus those used one hundred years ago. Some will argue the old style of parenting is still the best , while others will read every book on the market to get the most updated version. Regardless of how you choose to parent, one thing is timeless and universal -- kids need you, their parents, as an example. Your children will mirror your lifestyle and if you're not willing to change your bad habits, don't expect anything more from your offspring. The best teacher a child can have is a living, breathing example. Deciding what values you want to teach -- and living them -- is a good first step. Taking the time to understand the world around you -- the one your child is facing -- will serve you well. Teaching the skills necessary to succeed in the world will be the toughest challenge. But it's a challenge worth meeting since our 21st century leaders are counting on you!

Facing Contemporary Issues as a Single Parent

I hope to inspire single parents who are facing some of today's tougher issues -- issues that were either nonexistent at the onset of the 20th century or were not openly discussed. These include the problems associated with gangs, drugs, domestic violence, teen pregnancy and plain old-fashioned adolescent defiance. These are difficult and sometimes overwhelming situations to deal with for a healthy two-parent family. Place any one or more of them in a single-parent household, and the ability to cope in a healthy effective manner is severely impaired. Let me stress, however, that these problems do not exist because single parents are less loving or less concerned than the so-called "nuclear" family. More likely, the problems exist because there are complications unique to single parent families which tend to magnify already volatile situations. Here's a few examples and some ideas on what you can do to minimize the negative in your children's lives:

Problem: Pre/post-separation arguments - kids often witness a variety of arguments, discussions, and sometimes violent altercations, taking place between the parents they love. Unlike many relationship scuffles, the arguments tend to focus on the children: child support, custody issues, who's going to live where, and so on. This can contribute to a child's feelings of insecurity, guilt, depression, anger, etc. -- emotions which are associated with delinquent behavior.

What you can do: Refuse to fight -- As difficult as it may seem, you really can prevent most arguments that may take place with your ex-partner. Plan what you're going to say in a conversation before it happens. Knowing the other person will probably do and say everything possible to hit your hot buttons, anticipate them. Be prepared to either walk away or hang up the phone, taking a time out until you can discuss it outside the children's presence. If the other person gets physically out of control, be ready to call the police. You can't control what the other person says or does, but remember, one stable and self-controlled parent is definitely more healthy than two childish ones. If necessary, use the resources of private counseling or family mediation (provided by the court system) to resolve sensitive issues.

Problem: Poverty -- According to a recently released government report, 44 percent of the nearly 10 million single mothers in 1991 had no child support award from the courts. Nearly half, or about 5 million, of these families were in poverty. Twelve percent of those who did have court-ordered child support agreements didn't receive one dime. The statistics also report custodial mothers were about two and one-half times more likely to be in poverty as custodial fathers and more than four times as likely as married couples. Sadly, children living in poverty are at a greater risk of getting involved in delinquent activity. Since there are nearly 15 million kids living with single mothers, the negative affects of poverty will definitely play a key role in many of these children's lives.

What you can do: Money can't buy love -- Although the statistics say children in poverty-stricken families are at risk for juvenile delinquency, don't take it as a death sentence for your kids. There are many children whose parents are country club members, community philanthropists and respected leaders who face the same risk. Why? I suspect it's because parents who are more focused on their own lives (with or without money), don't spend enough time getting to know their own children. Kids who are competing with the hardships of poverty and wealth often lack the same things: parental love and guidance. Decide you're going to give love and encouragement, even if it's the only thing you have to give. Money can't take away your values or your faith. It may be tough to swallow poverty and still keep a smile on your face when the kids get home from school -- but imagine how tough it will be to visit your child in prison, or worse yet, attend his or her funeral. You and your children can get involved in a vast array of no-cost community programs that promote responsibility and self-esteem. Contact your case-worker or other community representative for details.

Problem: Two households/two masters -- A large percentage of children living in single parent households also have partial custody or visitation requirements with the other parent. Depending on age, temperament, relationship with parents, and numerous other variables, kids with "two homes" are vulnerable to feelings of instability and confusion. They often experience opposing lifestyles, different discipline structures, and may be faced with conflicting morals and value systems.

What you can do: Keep it stable -- Experts say by the time kids are 10-12 years of age, they are able to understand the consequences of moral decisions. Long before then, you should begin laying the groundwork of the values you want to teach. Again, you can't control what another person says or does, but you can counteract negative influences with positive ones. Develop clear-cut rules in your household and begin having family meetings when your children are young. It has been proven kids want and need boundaries. In a friendly and non-emotional setting, outline the rules of bedtime, homework, television privileges, curfews, disciplinary consequences, chores, and whatever else makes up your family system.

Don't forget to also reward good behavior, inject a lot of humor, and plan family fun activities to counteract all the rules. Balance is the key. As your kids get older, you will have the luxury of sitting down with them and talking calmly about the differences between the two households. You can explain that experiencing different ways of doing things will help them choose how they want to live their adult lives. Understanding differences also teaches tolerance. If there are inconsistencies, immoral behaviors or painful circumstances going on at the other household, it won't take a child long to begin to see the differences between stable and unstable lifestyles. In the end, they will choose stability.

Herbert Hoover said, "Children are our most valuable natural resource." If we don't prepare them for the complications in the 21st century, we are endangering more than an earthly resource.

Written by Diane Chambers.

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