I know a man who met a killer--himself. He had systematically killed the spirit of someone he loved the most -- his own son. What hurt this man the most was that he had done it out of his love and his desire that his son grow up with none of the flaws he saw in himself. He discovered that he had killed his son's spirit, not on purpose, but with love and criticism.

Now, this dad doesn't know how to go back and change what he did. His grown son is seeing a therapist to try to rebuild his shattered self-confidence and attempt to discover happiness. Sadly, he has become the same kind of critic he once despised his father for being.

It's interesting that parents who are critical with their children never admit to using criticism. When asked what they want most for their youngsters, these parents say they want them to grow up to be happy adults. Yet, children who live under criticism grow up to be both critical and chronically unhappy. Isn't this ironic?

As one extremely critical parent said tome, "I don't criticize my daughter. I guide her! She must know what she's doing wrong so she doesn't continue to make the same mistakes."

If you could spy into this home, you would hear Mom's constant scolding about how the daughter washes her face, puts on a blouse that does not match and talks too loudly during breakfast. She even criticizes the quality of the child's kiss as she leaves for school.

She humiliates her daughter in front of her friends with reprimands. "Your computer disks are all over the floor! Those disks are expensive. Maybe if you had to pay for these things you'd be a little more careful!" She marches the child into the house right in front of her friends.

Regardless of the terms we use to describe this style of parenting, the results are the same -- deadly. And, these results don't show up for years. Children grow up to become less and less confident. They even become their own best critics. Their spirits are slowly eroded away.

I have a friend who grew up this way. He has never found true happiness. He says he always has been afraid to try things that appeal to him for fear he won't do them right. Even though the person who criticized him so severely is no longer living, the voices are still in his mind.

"It's no longer my dad that does the criticizing," he says. "I have taken over that job for myself. I constantly remind myself of my inadequacies. I spend much more time paying attention to what I do wrong than what I do right."

This man has another regret. "The sad part of this is that I find myself criticizing my own children the same way my dad ragged on me. The more unhappy I get, the ore I try to correct my kids so they don't grow up just like me. I've become part of a vicious circle."

Do yourself a favor. Do your children a favor. Remember that youngsters don't learn by being corrected. They learn through example and modeling.

Try to see your children as children, not small adults. They will learn by making mistakes when and f they are allowed to experience the consequences of these mistakes. Be sad for them as they live with these consequences. Bite your tongue when you want to tell them what they did wrong. They can figure that out for themselves. Bite your tongue when you have impatient words that indicate they don't measure up.

Do yourself a favor. Do your children a favor. Focus upon the things they do well. Call these things to their attention 10 times as often as you talk about the things they don't do well. You will be rewarded with children who treat you well, notice your strengths instead of your faults, and grow up to be happy adults who have broken the criticism cycle.

-- written by Dr. Jim Fay

>>Return to my musings on motherhood.