Self-Esteem

Positive self-esteem is essential to children's ability to function at their best. Their sense of themselves begins very early, based on the way they are treated in their formative years. A child can only develop high self-esteem by being nurtured in an environment where there's empathy, concern, and reinforcement.

Helping them develop high self-esteem is one of the biggest challenges facing parents. All too often, the primary method of teaching and guiding children is through criticism rather than encouragement. (In fact, our school systems are set up in this fashion with a "red-pencil mentality" where MISTAKES are noticed and given a red-pencil mark while CORRECT answers are ignored.)

We can temporarily control a child's behavior through criticism, threats, or discipline but at a very high cost. The lasting impact of hurting a child's self-esteem makes it difficult for them to ever develop the kind of confidence and optimism that allows them to be open and trusting as well as to be outgoing and successful.

Unfortunately, criticism can become such a habit that we sometimes fail to notice we're doing it. But the children are noticing and learning. Some of what they're learning has been described in a poem by Dorothy Law Nolte. Here's an excerpt:

"Children Learn What They Live:

If a child lives with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If a child lives with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If a child lives with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If a child lives with approval, they learn to like themselves."

Don't be afraid that helping children develop high self-esteem will make them self-centered. Noone is more self-centered than the anxious, uncertain, fearful person with low self-esteem. All of us, including children, have a basic need to feel good about ourselves. It's at the root of almost everything we do. Children either learn to feel good about themselves or learn to live with anxiety in fear of being criticized and rejected. If children are demeaned, they may become very cautious and watchful about how they interact with others, leading them to be "difficult," or to drop out and stop trying.

So what, specifically, can we as parents do (as opposed to what we "shouldn't" do)? We can start by thinking about how it will be when the children are grown and we look back on how we've raised them. What would we do differently? Here's an excerpt from a poem by Diane Loomans that reflects on this idea:

"If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first, and do other things later."

Self-esteem has become one of those buzzwords - like "good communication" - we hear from all the experts how important it is but no one tells us exactly how to achieve it. On these pages I will show you how to use the Internet to explore in practical, concrete ways how to build your child's self-esteem.

The best advice I have found for building children's self-esteem comes from two prominent researchers in the field, Harris Clemes and Reynold Bean. In their 1981 book, "Self-Esteem: The Key to Your Child's Well-Being", they define the four conditions of self-esteem in children:

A Sense of CONNECTIVENESS:

To Develop a Sense of CONNECTIVENESS Children need to feel:

  • Connected to a heritage, both cultural and family
  • They belong to and are special to someone
  • Something special belongs to them
  • Their family and peer connections are held in high esteem by others
  • They are important to others
  • Connected to their own bodies
  • Related to others, part of a group
  • Part of something of value

    Some ways to communicate with your children to build their sense of CONNECTIVENESS:

  • Touching them and holding them
  • Making sure that your facial expression, posture, and words fit together
  • Telling them that they are important to you, that you love them
  • Praising them, both their actions and their personality
  • Communicating your feelings to your children so they don't have to guess
  • Listening non-judgmentally
  • Doing special things for your children
  • Sharing your activities with your children
  • Being gentle with shy children

    A Sense of UNIQUENESS:

    To Develop A Sense of UNIQUENESS Children need to:

  • Know there is something special about themselves
  • Know and do things that no one else can do
  • Know others think them special
  • Express themselves in their own way
  • Use their imagination and expand their creativity
  • Respect themselves
  • Enjoy being different

    Ways to build your child's sense of UNIQUENESS:

  • Communicate acceptance of your children.
  • Allow children to explain their feelings, attitudes, opinions, and actions.
  • Point out to children things about themselves that are different or special.
  • Increase opportunities for children to express themselves creatively.
  • Allow children to do things their own way as much as possible.
  • Don't ridicule or shame children.
  • Help children find acceptable ways to express themselves.
  • Use private praise with children who have a low sense of uniqueness.
  • Treat each child as an individual.

    A Sense of POWER:

    To Develop A Sense of POWER Children need to feel:

  • They can do the things they set out to do.
  • They have the resources necessary to carry out their own purposes.
  • They are allowed to make or influence decisions about things that are important to them.
  • Comfortable when fulfilling responsibilities.
  • They know how to make decisions and solve problems.
  • They can be in control of themselves when dealing with pressure and stress.
  • They can use the skills they've learned.
  • They can cope with failure.

    Ways to build your child's sense of POWER:

  • Help children become responsible by setting limits and rules effectively.
  • Offer alternatives when you want them to do something.
  • Let your children know they can control their own feelings, and are responsible for doing so.
  • Teach children how to influence people in positive ways.
  • Teach children how to do things.
  • Require children to make decisions.
  • Teach children to solve problems.
  • Help children have successful experiences.
  • Allow your children to do things they have shown they can do well.
  • Help children set limits for themselves and others.

    A Sense of MODELS:

    To Develop a Sense of MODELS Children need to:

  • Experience people who are worthy models for their own behavior.
  • Feel confident that they can distinguish right from wrong; good from bad.
  • Feel that their own values and beliefs can successfully guide their behavior.
  • Have a broad range of experiences, so that new experiences aren't intimidating.
  • Be aware of their goals and to feel that they can work toward them.
  • Feel that they can make sense out of what's going on in their lives.
  • Know the standards by which their performance will be evaluated.
  • Feel that they can learn, and know effective ways for going about it.
  • Feel a sense of order.

    How to Relate to Your Children to Build Their Sense of MODELS:

  • Help children talk about and understand their beliefs.
  • Share what you believe with your children.
  • Help children set reasonable and achievable goals for themselves.
  • Help children understand the consequences of their behavior.
  • Let children know what you expect, and make performance standards clear.
  • Be a good model for children.
  • Help children relate appropriately to others.
  • Help children broaden their range of experiences.
  • Do not lie to children about things that are important to them.

    >>Return to my musings on motherhood.