The following is from a blog I have followed for a long time. She wrote this about two years ago, and, although I have taken the small liberty of paraphrasing it slightly to better fit my situation, it is mostly worded so perfectly that there was no way I could even think of to improve upon it.

THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW. THIS is where I have become stuck. No matter how much work on my self that I feel like I am doing/have done, I always seem to end up back in this place. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS PLACE ANYMORE.

If I’m not taking care of my family, cooking, cleaning, wiping asses, scolding fresh mouthed teenagers, crying my eyes out, doubting my potential, wondering where my life is going, talking myself off ledges, justifying my actions, backtracking, loathing myself, questioning my heart, mucking through other peoples bullshit, harboring resentments, wasting my day away, gaining weight I can never lose, overdosing on all things bad for me, mothering, silently missing what could have been, beating myself up, pouring my heart out, closing my self off, cloaked in self pity, perfecting my instability, apologizing my feelings away, breaking promises, getting in over my head, juggling way too many responsibilities, hiding my true intentions, avoiding the task at hand, running for the door, ignoring my inner child, tossing and turning, dreaming with my eyes open, needing a break, looking for a quiet corner to lose my mind in, pretending everything is just fine, being shown the door, denying the obvious, becoming unrecognizable to myself, and hanging on to the slivers of my former self…THEN WHO THE FUCK AM I?

Penned by: Tricia
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Four months ago, I had weight loss surgery. Specifically, the Lap Band. I took a VERY long time to come to this decision. As in, 10+ YEARS worth of time, therapy, and medical and nutritional consultations. I have been overweight since I was 10 years old. I have been through every diet known to man. Lost weight. Gained it back plus some. Again. And again. I’ve been ridiculed. Shamed. Yelled at by people driving by in their cars. Laughed at. I’ve internalized EVERYTHING to the point where even now I blame myself for anything and everything that happens in my life, even things clearly beyond my control. I do not have much of a life at all. But four months ago I started the journey to truly start changing, from the inside out. I can’t say whether I will ever be there. I struggle every day. But *I* am worth trying.

Happily, I’ve been met mostly with support for my decision by those I’ve told. But not always. And I haven’t always been able to respond the way that I should to the nay-Sayers. So here is where I start.

I was told, “Oh you don’t need that, that should only be a last resort, you’re strong enough to do it on your own, you’ve lost weight before, you’re taking the easy way out, you just need to eat less, you’re a food addict.” My response: “Really? Well, thanks for thinking so, but I and my doctors disagree.”

Easy way out? So…if I needed cardiac bypass surgery or just had to live miserably and at risk of a heart attack or stroke, I should not take the medically proven treatment to get better? If I needed a kidney transplant, and one became available, I should not accept it because dialysis is fine and a transplant is the easy way out?

Many in our society see obesity as a sign of laziness, not as a medical condition. So, I don’t “deserve” to get well? I don’t deserve to get my blood pressure under control? Or my blood sugar? I don’t deserve to avoid losing limbs to diabetes?

Easy way out? I have to eat carefully for the rest of my life, or else I will be in extreme pain and/or vomit. I can never have a carbonated drink again. For the rest of my life, I will have an implanted medical device inside me that I need to be concerned about. See a surgeon several times a year. Have yearly tests to be sure all is well. So, by having major abdominal surgery, wrapping a ring around my upper stomach that will forever change my relationship with food and also change the relationships I have with the people I love, I have taken the easy way out? Cry me a fucking river.

Easy way out? Easy way out from what? Endless diet attempts that all end up in the same place, with me heavier that I was before it began? My joints hurting worse as I put more pressure on them? Taking medication for blood pressure?

I have currently lost 26 pounds since my surgery, bringing my total weight loss this time around to 70 pounds. I feel better. And this time I know this feeling will last. That’s the only thing that matters.

I say, it might not be the right choice for you, but after all my research and soul-searching, it was the right choice for ME. Thank you for your concern.

Penned by: Tricia
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A bird that once knew freedom will fly out of a door to its cage if left open. A bird held captive for too long may forget freedom lies beyond the door. A bird that is born into captivity and a cage will likely stay in a cage even when one opens the door. A bird that is allowed out of its cage to fly at will with the door always open will return to the cage for food and the safety it offers.

Penned by: Tricia
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These are a bunch of random word snippets posted to Twitter that didn’t fit the haiku or full poem categories, but I felt that they should be preserved somehow.

thoughts to words / words to pen / here I sit / alone again / wishing, as I often do / that I were sitting there with you

emotions trapped / like rats in a cage / unable to escape / the bars of my thoughts

You just stood there and watched / as I fell to my knees / Better be ready for the jolt / when I get up and leave.

lessons learned / bridges burned / feelings spurned / emotions discerned / take me, cant break me / understand me.. or forsake me

We go through life searching for the missing pieces to the puzzle of ourselves…not realizing all of the pieces are already in the box. We just have to figure out how to put them together.

If you try to put me in a box / better watch yourself kid / I’ll change my name to Pandora / and smash open the lid

Let me worship you / wrap my tongue around your hymns / pour libations on your altar / set your candle aflame

The words tumbled from your lips like alabaster pearls / pure and clear and radiant / and shattered upon impact.

Let me slide my hand down the back of your mind / stroke my tongue across your thoughts / wrap my thighs around your psyche

come write with me / come think with me / let your heart link with me / come talk to me / lets get lost, take a walk with me / come sing with me / when your eyes close, come dream with me / just be / with me

dip the brush of your thoughts into the palette of my mind / stroke a multicolored panorama / onto the canvas of my soul

Searching for the right combination of metaphors and similes to make you believe that my love is more than fiction…

Be my dream when I’m awake. Be my smile when I can’t. Be the music that makes my soul dance. Be you. Just be.

I wrote your name in the sand / you told me in time it would disappear / I wrote your name on my heart / you ripped it out and walked away

Your aura paints blue and gold / upon the walls of my soul / a permanent stain

head aching / thoughts of you / cut deep with knives of impossibility / heart burning / with the fires set / to rid myself of you

these added complications / so unnecessary / extricating myself strand by strand / my presence fading into darkness

the lock was rusted / on this box full of dusty feelings / somehow you pried it open / I tried to slam the lid / but you filled it with love

sleep is hesitant / not wanting to drown / in the river of tears / on my pillow

my wishes unfulfilled / my needs inconsequential / my place fully understood / I fade into the background / a mere dream within a dream

vast empty chasms / of lost faith and hope / gape open below me / as my fingers slip from the ledge

time scurries away / like a thief in the night / but no matter how deep the scars on my heart / time refuses to steal the pain

If I had the courage / If I could only make a start / I’d whisper everything I wish you could hear / sing you all the songs in my heart

nothing makes sense / thoughts upside down / stomach knotted / fear paralyzing / yearning to reach for the light / afraid to burn / again

pupils obscenely dilated / in this perfect dark / I searched the corners of my mind, frantic / and dreamt of me dreaming / of you

I / saw myself / through your eyes / I never knew that / I could shine so brightly

I / just want / to lay my / head on your pillow / and sleep next to you

I / wish I / had been stronger / had let you go / when it was still possible

All / I desire / is to gaze / deep within your soul / as our bodies melt together

I / wonder if / it is right / to ask so little / yet expose myself so much?

tired / of feeling / unsure of everything / let me tell you / the dreams in my heart

Pulsating / pounding drums / intertwined limbs writhing / glistening bodies keeping time / surrendering to an ancient rhythm

butterflies / carefree sentinels / heralding spring’s approach / sipping the morning dew / fluttering off drunk with happiness

Destined / to have / a lonely heart / the one I desire / always dancing out of reach

you were really something / all painted in black / dressed in the skin / of every wound / you placed on my back

Is reality destroying my dreams, or are my dreams destroying reality?

thoughts screaming up from my lungs / now perched upon my tongue / ready to be sung / for ear drums to be rung / I’m like a loaded gun

Smile / pretend you give a fuck / swallow the lies like rainbow pills / till you are numb / can’t feel the blade / or which way it slices

black ink / spilling words across the paper / my soul poured out like bitter tears / of longing

My / sanguine heart / loves far deeper / than my fearful lips / will allow me to reveal

get the fuck out of here with all your tired ass lies / I’ll shove my foot up your ass, try that on for size

your pain rubbed off on me/ and I found I was bleeding too/ the wounds you licked were only your own/ while mine stayed raw, black and blue

emotions trapped in my heart like thick black clay / words lodged in my throat with no escape / I am suffocating

alone I stand beneath barren trees / the night is vacant / the stars mute / seeking refuge in the shadows / from the monsters in my mind

hanging on to my sanity by a thread / that’s wrapped around my neck / slowly suffocating my soul

I wish I were dew upon the grass / I could sink into the ground / become one with the dark, cold earth / never to be found

awake / shaking off the foggy tendrils of a dream / that never should have been

in your mirrored image / reflected / you are beautiful beyond measure / even if by your eyes it remains / undetected

Penned by: Tricia
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I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately. Most of it is just various fragments and haiku, since my main medium has been Twitter, with all it’s glorious character limitations. I feel like it’s actually been helpful to me to attempt to limit my words and express meaning in as small a space as possible while still managing to create something worthy and beautiful. I’ve been saving most of these words, and thought that maybe I should share them all together, as I did with my color haiku. So here is some lovely haiku madness. I hope you enjoy them!

PS, I shouldn’t even have to say this, but I will anyway. These haiku are my own original words. Please don’t steal. Thanks!

alone in the dark / stumbling over my thoughts / wishing you were here

She froze at the sound / realizing she was trapped / echoing footsteps

The edge of the blade / poised so closely to her neck / her heart pounds in fear

Please forgive me but / I think I’m falling for the / flyness of your mind

To get to my heart / stimulate my intellect / make love to my mind

It’s a brand new day / don’t waste it being angry / hug someone instead

I offered my heart / but you tossed it carelessly / aside with a laugh
So all I can do / is pick up all the pieces / there’s still one missing

Hearts leap in our chests / eyes still on each others’ flesh / aching for a touch

Letting go isn’t / the hardest thing you can do / moving forward is

your breath touches mine / lips hover inches apart / anticipating

Everyone’s broken / the secret is to pick up / the hammer and nails

so disconnected / looking in from the outside / cut off from the world

vibrant melodies / dripping into my ears like / succulent nectar

twisted up inside / like a sickness; coiled, waiting / for me to slip up

dark tendrils of night / reach out to touch my cold face / the tears aren’t dry yet

Dawn’s wispy fingers / touch the blanket of darkness / lifting it gently

Light kisses my brow / an ethereal lover / morning promises

translucent drops of / dew fall from chrysanthemums / chased by the sunlight

you immersed me in / silk-draped aphrodesiacs / such beautiful lies

You tore down my walls / then broke through my skin so you / could rip out my heart

I don’t know if it’s / the summer heat or the pain / I’m fading away

when I say goodbye / hold me in your memories / I’ll always be there

beams of light emerge / romping playfully in the / cerulean sky

few aureate words / can adequately describe / blazing emotion

missing you today / wishing you were here to fill / the void in my heart

a band of misfits / with just the right-sized key to / fit into my heart

the window is shut / I gaze longingly out as / the light fades away

bleak, frigid raindrops / fall sorrowfully against / glass like bitter tears

I hold out my arms / inviting you into the / softness of my mind

please just walk away / don’t look back at the pieces / of my broken heart

rain clings to the screen / as though afraid to let go / and face the unknown

contemplations of / inward visions of what could / be if I let it

looked in the mirror / my reflection turned away / she did not know me

mere words could never / articulate the depth of / emotional seas

I wish that you knew / how the very thought of you / intoxicates me

remnants of sparklers / reaching out into darkness / tiny pale tendrils

reckless tendencies / stumbling in abandon / tripping on a dream

feeling so confused / trapped between fear and desire / help me find my way

words flow like water / undulating in the waves / crashing on the shore

humor is a shield / to fend off the pain as I / hide behind a smile

the edge of the blade / swoops downward; she trembles with / anticipation

dawn creeps silently / discarding night’s deep shadow / in a lonely heap

barely a twinkle / shining bravely nonetheless / summer’s last firefly

I open my eyes / knowing I must survive on / dreams of your kisses

I do hope you find / someone worthy of your love / or who can stand you

dawn stretches her wings / swathed in gossamer sunbeams / sprinkling dewdrops

love sings to me with / half-forgotten melodies / I listen, entranced

she stands in the rain / hands outstretched, a supplicant / but her tears won’t cease

lizard fingerprints / flit across the fresh, dark earth / playing tag with me

ambivalence is / threatening to take over / tearing me apart

she doesn’t notice / the pain until blood flows forth from / the cut of his wit

unvanquished demons / stain the depths of my soul with / melancholia

tomorrow you’ll wake / and I’ll be just memory / forgotten nightmares

dawn crept inside with / slippers tattered, dress threadbare / danced the night away

uncertain thoughts, as / conundrums confound and / steal away my peace

if I knew how to / maybe I wouldn’t be such / a disappointment

I don’t like haikus. / Seriously, I hate them. / I never haiku.

cold October nights / immeasurably warmer / your words make me smile.

truth is indeed great / friendships built on its words and / nestled in its arms

catch me with your truth / words formed from the strongest threads / woven into trust

soft silken bondage / armor no longer needed / safe within this sphere

fluffy soft pillows / escort you gently into / the sweetest of dreams

the icy shadow / of the ax upon my neck / as it swoops downward

dawn pulls the blanket / of night up over her head / not ready to wake

trying to make them / disappear and fade away / all these useless thoughts

napkin tentacles / deviously concealed the / dumb check engine light

push your doubts aside / let your heart fill with wonder / place your trust in us

I wish I could lie / to myself; then I wouldn’t / see how this will end

can’t fight this sorrow / seeping through my shattered soul / drowning me in tears

dreaming of nightmares / that overshadow the light / swallowing my fate

Penned by: Tricia
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Being a part of social media has opened up a lot of new avenues, including the ones where you get to see lots of pictures of the people you connect with. Smiling pictures of people hanging out with friends and family. Then I look at my pictures. Some pictures of me performing, pictures that I take myself, pictures I take of myself, pictures with my kids that I take myself, pictures with people that I requested be taken. But not really any pictures of me just hanging out and smiling with anyone. But then, I guess one has to actually have friends to be able to have pictures taken with them.

I’ve never really had many friends. I was always a bit of a loner, probably partially a by-product of being an only child. I know from stories from other people that once upon a time I had a very gregarious and cheerful personality, but it was crushed so early that it may as well not ever have existed. By the time I was aware enough to realize that something had happened, I was too busy coping with it. Since one of my coping mechanisms was eating and subsequently becoming overweight, this did not help me much in making/keeping friends. I also had a lot of secrets to keep revolving around my stepfather’s abuse of me. Secrets are harder to keep if you get too close to people.

So I already had barriers in place. But I still had some friends. So lately I’ve been asking myself what the heck happened. And I was able to pinpoint the general time when I think things took a decided turn towards the more solitary for me.

I had a really good friend once. Oh, how I loved her. I thought the world of her, and felt like I could tell her anything and everything. She was the first person I called when I got pregnant with my older son, even before my family or the father. She was with me at the birth. She taught me so much about so many things, and I will forever be grateful that I knew her.

One day she told me she really couldn’t be friends with me anymore, because I was a “psychic vampire,” a negative energy sucking the life out of everything and everyone and never giving anything back.

I was honestly completely shocked. I felt like it came out of nowhere, and I never was aware that she felt like that. I guess what happened next was that I completely internalized her words. Yes, I realize this isn’t the best thing to do, but I guess maybe you’d have to realize how damaged I really was at that time, and how much I had survived already, only to be told that I was too negative to be friends with. Although, I can’t even really be angry with her, because in a way, she was right. And I’ve never let myself forget it for a second.

That was pretty much the time that I stopped having friends. I never wanted to be too negative, or be seen as complaining, so I started dropping away from everyone, and keeping things on the most superficial levels possible. I still try to do this today. When people start to get too close, or I start feeling like I want to say too much, or talk about things going on with me that may not be so pleasant, especially if I am going through a particularly depressive spell, I start to fade away. I don’t call, or text, or show up anywhere, until eventually they forget me. And maybe it’s still better that way. Even without the pictures.

(Edit) Case in point, I even feel like this post is too “complain-y.” *sigh* I KNOW there are people who care about me, and who are my friends. I don’t mean to imply that they don’t exist at all. I only mean to say that I feel a sense of isolation, of loneliness so deep that I feel like I could drown in it. I have an almost pathological fear of abandonment. I have nightmares about it. All the time. I have grown to feel that if I don’t let people too close to me, if I don’t get too close to THEM, then it won’t hurt as much when they leave me. And I feel like if they really get to know me, that “vampire,” then they will opt out, and leave, so I need to make them leave before the attachment grows too strong to bear the separation.

I’ll never claim it’s logical. It’s something I TRY to work on, but then someone else leaves, and it puts me down at the bottom again. Hell, you want to know something crazy? I even STILL, after all these years, feel abandoned by my stepfather. Because he stopped abusing me. Because I thought that meant he loved me, and then suddenly, he didn’t love me anymore because I was a bad person.

I want to be able to accept love, but I don’t know if I can when I feel so all alone.

Penned by: Tricia
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the voices rise like hot steam from the darkness
I claw my way upward amongst
the empty rotting corpses of thoughts

 unspoken
my bones crack, my skin stretches taut
blood flows freely from my mouth
the world fades away as I fall again
then turn and embrace the darkness
following the footsteps of a legless man



Penned by: Tricia
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emotions trapped in my heart like thick black clay / words lodged in my throat with no escape / I am suffocating

Penned by: Tricia
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Weary of wishing things could be different
Exhausted from midnight contemplations replete with misery and self-pity from the unfairness of it all
Hope drained from all the things I want but know I can never have
Pain forced inward to protect you from my dreams
Tired of missing you
Time to go to sleep

Penned by: Tricia
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When he and I make love…
I mean when I make love… and he fucks.
Better yet, when I pretend to make love,
I open my mouth and taste the air,
In that air I taste your kiss.
In that kiss I see a thousand kisses.
In those thousands of kisses I see our children.
In our children I see the life we will complete together.
In that life I see two old folks, sitting on the front lawn in their pajamas, as in love today as they were 50 years ago.
I see in their eyes so much love that it is unspeakable.
Only to fall backward into my reality,
Where I am tasting the air, pretending to kiss your full lips.
And pretending to make love to a man who is fucking me.
Fearing that you will never be more than thin air.

Penned by: Tricia
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