Gregory’s first day of third grade was yesterday. He was SO excited. I had to smile just watching him set his alarm the night before, then getting up as SOON as it went off (wonder of wonders!), getting himself dressed, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, and face washed all before 8:00am! He was so adorable, he even put some Pink Oil in his hair. (gawd, it is getting SO long, he really needs a haircut before he grows a bona-fide afro hehe!) I wonder how long this will all last?? Haha. Anyway, I don’t know if the seriousness of being in third grade has really set in yet. He won’t get any homework until Tuesday, so he has a little bit of a reprieve, although I HAVE started having him read for the required 20 minutes after school already. Thank goodness I had picked up that egg timer, it makes it a lot easier for him to sit and read for that amount of time if he can SEE how much time he has left.

I don’t know why I am so depressed about it, though. Maybe because I am reminded of how much older I am becoming, and still going virtually nowhere in my life. My whole life is the kids. I know that’s not healthy. I really have no interests outside of them, no friends to pick up and go anywhere with, not even a boyfriend who takes me out anywhere or even takes the kids out somewhere so I can get a break, nothing to do but sit here and wait until one of them needs something. Hmmmm, that’s kind of sad and pathetic.

[RANDOM-ASS RANT ABOUT VIRTUALLY NOTHING] OK, I admit it. I’m the world’s biggest idiot. EVERY freaking time he tells me a new line, I fucking believe that crap. Then he just acts like everything is hunky-dory, he gave me a kiss or some ass and everything’s great again AND HE JUST GOES OUT AND DOES THE SAME SHIT ALL OVER AGAIN. And I sit home ALONE and go “what’s going on?” like a complete dork, like I don’t already frigging KNOW what is going on with his selfish ass. He wants to do whatever the HELL he wants whenever he wants, with no thought to anyone but HIMSELF, forget a girlfriend, never mind two kids, fuck RESPONSIBILITY, he’s gonna get his. Does he REALLY think those hos like him for anything other than his new car??? Cause there isn’t much more TO him to even like. He won’t even buy his ONE YEAR OLD son a fucking CRIB!!!! I should put one on my freaking wishlist (HA not like anyone is reading this or cares to buy me one, but what the hell, everyone else is a wishlist whore LoL). And I go out there day after day going on interviews and not getting CRAP. Connecticut sucks big hairy ones for jobs lately. Holli hasn’t found anything either. I can feel myself sinking even further into this depression. I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to be on the computer. I don’t want to chat or talk to anyone. I don;t want to be AROUND anyone but my kids. Gee, maybe cause those are the only people I am EVER around for 90%+ of every damn day?? Sometimes I feel like they are the only people in the world who know or care that I even exist. Then I want to slap myself for being selfish, because I start feeling like that’s not enough. Like I need MORE from life. If I am going to BE with a partner, I need a PARTNER, not a fucking roommate (cause that’s how he acts) that causes more stress than he is worth. I’m not even sure why I am writing this, except I am in great need a a major catharsis, and maybe if I keep writing about the crap that is really going on, I’ll wake up and smell the musty armpit that is my life and get the hell outta dodge and over to the deodorant. LoL, OK, I made myself smile at least with that corny joke. Guess I’ll go to my lonely bed now. [/RANDOM-ASS RANT ABOUT VIRTUALLY NOTHING]

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

Wow, it’s so sad about Aaliyah and the plane crash. Why does it take a tragedy for people to see life how it really is? How fragile we are, how quickly it can end before it’s even begun? I wonder if someone didn’t get a chance to make things right with her. And now she’s gone. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s really not worth it. Life is too short and precious to argue, fight, fuss, bitch, or be angry all the time. And life is too short to allow yourself to be constantly unhappy. Yeah, it was pretty much of a wake up call for me. If something happened to me tomorrow, would I have been happy about the way I have lived my life. The answer: a big, resounding NO. I wouldn’t be happy about always bowing to everyone else’s wishes, always saying yes no matter how I feel, always holding my feelings in so I don’t make anyone else angry. And always bitching and complaining about everything wrong in my life instead of DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Time waits for no one, and time doesn’t care about your own selfish needs and petty wants. If I want out of this relationship, I need to get up and get out, because I don’t want to have to live with an eternity of regrets.

Read the MTV story.

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

OK, so that poem yesterday sucked. Really bad. Oh, well, at least I got some things off my chest with it. Nothing too much to say right now, except that all my permissions on my cgi’s got reset when I tried to access them today, which is weird. I hope that doesn’t happen every day. I guess there always has to be SOMETHING wrong with these servers. Grrrr.

*Addendum: It was just a temporary problem, everything should be fine now. *Whew*

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

Sometimes I wonder

why we even live at all

with all the pain and all the strife

and obstacles too tall.


I wander through the days and years

beneath a cloud of gloom

I do not want to have it there

but its weight has been my doom.


I wish that I was never born

to feel such emptiness

to bear society’s hate and scorn

and utter callousness.


Some say that I should just get up

and stop my whine and groan

do they believe that I prefer this?

no, I hate it to the bone.


This low has trapped me in its jaws

and no matter what I try

it keeps on holding tighter

till all i can do is cry.


Gawd, I cannot shake this horrific depression. I just sleep all day, I don’t even want to interact with the kids, although I keep trying, since I am the only one HERE for them. Let’s see, it’s Friday at 11pm. Of COURSE Corey isn’t here. Yeah, I know, I’m a fucking door mat. I just don’t know what to do. It was always so easy for me to get a job before. Now I have been on several interviews, and they don’t even bother to call me back, for pete’s sake. It’s hard enough for me to ge OUT there lately, I swear I am starting to develop some sort of agorophobia. I never want to leave the house. I would be perfectly happy staying inside in bed all day every day lately. But deep down I hate it. Deep down I hate ME. Who I am. Who I have allowed myself to become. And staying here with HIM helps it NOT. I am so SICK of crying EVERY DAY. Will this EVER get better???????

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

Another day, another website. LoL. Oy, my head is spinning. Kind of makes me mad that I paid $10 to Hobbiton to remove my banners, then I can never ever ACCESS the darn thing. Well, this seems like a SUPER fast server here, a little more money to remove banners, but still do-able. Cool. =) OK, so this time I SWEAR this is the last time I am moving EVERY damn thing. Hehehehahaha. Nothing else to say right now, kids are hounding me for some dessert, just wanted to try out the ole Greymatter thing to see if it would work. Hoo-rah! =)

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off