I should have posted this at the START of Kwanzaa, but there were just so many other things going on in my head…..
Sympatico Wishes you a Happy Kwanzaa
Today is Day 6 of Kwanzaa – Kuumba(Creativity) — to always do the best we can to leave our community more beautiful than when we inherited it.
This year is about the third year in a row I have seriously attempted the Kwanzaa celebration, at least with Gregory. But I think this may be the first year we have REALLY gotten into the true meaning of it. We seem to get all into these deep conversations about the meaning of each day, and what we can do as a family or an individual to improve upon each of the principles. It’s just great. Although, between all the holidays we observe now, Yule, Xmas(at least the gift-giving part of it), and Kwanzaa, my kids are going to start thinking they are going to get a gift EVERY day! Hahahaha…NOT. Thank goodness their birthdays are way far away from now. =)

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So I got my rejection letter from the American School for the Deaf today.
“Thank you for recently interviewing with the American School for the Deaf. We are unfortunately unable to offer you a position at this time. We will keep your name on file in case another, similar, position becomes available.”
What the FUCK ever.
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to the classifieds I go. AGAIN. Pffftttttttttttttttt.

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Well, this is going to be one of those “woe is me” posts, so if you don’t like it, move the fuck on.
I hate Xmas. Hate it with a passion. I met Corey on Xmas Eve. 1996. Five year ago. Five YEARS. And last year I got a fake necklace I can’t even wear because I am allergic to it, and this year I get perfume. It smells nice, and I keep TRYING and TRYING to tell myself it’s the thought that counts, but where was the thought put into it, really? Five year, one child together, and no ring. And it looks as though I won’t ever get one. So WHY THE FUCK ARE WE WASTING OUR TIME????? I am going to end up like his friend Tammy, who was with Jason for TEN YEARS, they break up and a YEAR later he marries someone else. W T F?? Gods that shit is pathetic. I wish I had somewhere else to GO right now so I could just end the inevitable meltdown. We aren’t even a couple anymore. We do NOTHING together. And I do mean NOTHING. I had to literally force him today to take his ONLY child, our son, to see his MOTHER for pete’s sake. That is the FIRST time since we had our son 16 MONTHS ago that he has EVER taken him somewhere, just the two of them. I want to cry for my baby just thinking about it. To actually HAVE a father here, but not really have him *here*. He is too busy with his strip clubs, his casinos, his porn, his other women. Staying out EVERY night until at least midnight. And his lies. So many damn lies, he can’t even keep them straight among the people he lies to. UGH! OK, I am done. I will get over it. I guess it’s just that this is SUPPOSED to be a special time of the year, and once again I get this disappointed sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, like something is missing. Like LOVE is missing. RESPECT is missing. TRUST is missing. Aren’t those the ingredients of a relationship? I thought so. *sigh*

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Yes, I am actually here blogging on Christmas Eve. When I have so much other stuff to do. LoL. So sue me. I wanted to get this out before I forgot what I wanted to say. So yesterday I took the kids to go see Lord of the Rings. Oh gosh, I didn’t think I would see a movie so soon that would top Harry Potter, but this was it. Gorgeous set. Wonderful acting. Great animation. Horrifyingly realistic battle sequences. They even managed to sneak a little bit of romance in there. LoL. Ah, Hollywood. Of course there was the usual movie-making mumbo-jumbo, just like in Harry Potter, but I am afraid you cannot escape that (Gee, I am getting a deja-vu feeling from when I talked about Harry Potter hehehe). They did manage to follow the storyline, if not the book PRECISELY. But, hey, this movie was even longer than Harry Potter, at three hours and ten minutes, but even that wouldn’t be enough to fit EVERYTHING of Tolkien’s book in, so they are forgiven. Go see it! I heartily recommend it.
So anyways, with that, Happy Holidays, my friends, and I will see you after tomorrow! =)

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I am 47% evil.

I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

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I just can’t seem to find my holiday spirit this year. I wish I knew where to look. I have the tree, the stockings are hung, the kids have seen Santa, the cards have even been sent. I didn’t have a lot of money this year, but I feel like I did OK as far as gifts are concerned. And I have to smile each time Donovan breaks out with a loud and wondrous “Oh, wow!” every time he sees a holiday decoration or lighting arrangement.
But the smile seems to fade more quickly this year. And if it’s not for my kids, the smile has a hard time coming at all. I think it’s just that my life is still going nowhere, after all the effort I have finally been putting into it. You know, you get told, YOU have to change your life. OK, I finally accepted that. Knew it all along really. But I have been really working hard this past 6 months or so. Going on interviews. Sending out my resume. Networking for jobs in the community. And nothing. NOTHING! I have been on so many interviews my head hurts thinking about it. And since when was it considered good business practice to not even bother to give a simple courtesy phone call to let someone know they hadn’t been chosen for a position? It boggles the mind how rude people can be. And now I am losing one of my major sources of income. Not that it amounted to much, but it insured that my children would eat at least. And as much as I love the baby that I babysit for, the money I get from that is NOT enough. *UGH* So I have been literally racking my brains as to what to do. And all I see are people around obsessed with spending spending spending, when I am worried about my empty freezer. And it makes me feel sad. Cause I am STILL struggling. And it is getting harder to pinpoint the reason as to why. BUT, I am still taking my at-home classes, although I worry a LITTLE that it may become hard for me to even pay THAT bill. Hopefully I will have solved this problem before that happens. Because I am really enjoying taking the course. No pressure, semi-challenging material, taking tests online. SOOOOO….if I could finish that course and have the money to pay it, I should be OK (as long as I can find a job – HA! on that one). In the meantime, I still need to find some more money coming in. Watch another child? UGH, could I handle it? Not sure right now with the mood I have been in. OK, so I am rambling here now. Shoot me. *grin*
If anyone has a money spell or ritual that will draw money to you that has worked for them in the past, send it my way, would you? I need all the help I can get.

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Welcome to my brand-spanking-new domain!!! [butt-kiss]SO many thanks to my fantastic sister for helping me to set up the registration and for hosting me! She totally rules![/butt kiss]
Anyway, PLEASE be patient with me while I move stuff over. I have moved my site SO many times in the past year, and I am finally saying “forget it!” and using relative URL’s in my pages. LoL. So I still have to change them all AGAIN, but I HOPE this will be the LAST time I ever have to change all my pages at once. I am also trying something a little new for my blogs. It’s called Movable Type. So far it seems to be a really great system! I will be importing my old Greymatter entries as soon as I get a chance. So, anyway, congratulations to me, and so on and so forth, and I look forward to getting settled in! =D

Penned by: Tricia | 1 Comment »

WOW, I got my first fan sign today!!!! I am so overwhelmed! Thanks SOOO much, sis!!

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I wish I knew what to even write here. My life is so very un-interesting that the very thought of putting it all down in writing makes my mind go numb. And the fact that I hate reading other people’s constant “I got up, I ate this, I peed, I had sex, I went and looked at all these stupid sites online, I went to the mall, can you believe this?, I went to bed, blah, blah.” OK, so that was not meant to be a put-down to those types of blogs, some people enjoy writing that way and many more others enjoying reading them. I am just not one of them, I guess. And the only othewr things I ever can think of to write are just endless complaints and botches that sound ridiculous as soon as I finish writing them down. Although that is probably the point of writing them down, in a sense, To put things in perspective. To turn things that seem so big and insurmountable into something much more easily dealt with. So maybe the occasional whining tirade would be theraputic. LoL, but I guess I just keep thinking aboutbthe audience. No matter how much I say this is only for me, well…..I put it here, don’t I? For people to see. Not that anyone really reads this, but the possibility is there. It’s kind of like Kindred. You are anonymous, you are pretty sure no one knows who you are, but you still feel like you are on display, like no one will like you, palms sweaty as you get ready to hit that “add this entry” button. I feel like that all the time. Not just online. I feel like everywhere I go, everything I do, someone is watching me, judging me, talking about me. Why the hell do I care?? Honestly, I have no idea. In my heart I KNOW I shouldn’t give a crap what anyone thinks, but my mind persists. I think some of it stems from HIM, how he always watches me and makes me feel like everything I do isn’t good enough, that I should be better than I am in order to be with him. Then I see how low I have allowed him to bring me, and I feel even worse. I am trying to get better, trying to make him not matter, and it IS getting better, but it is still an uphill battle. Especially since I am stuck here for the time being. It is harder when it is happening all in your face every day, I think. But I keep looking at my balance grow larger in my account, and I keep trying to look ahead to the time when I WON’T have to deal with him, or with anyone, and it gets easier. So now I need to learn how to transfer this “better” feeling onto other people, so I don’t care what the hell THEY think, either. LoL

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