Well. Seems like a lot of fluff posting and test taking this past week. I think I have finally figured out why. I have been avoiding talking about things. I do that a lot in real life, and it was something I had told myself I would try not to do here. So of course I did. LoL. OK, I guess maybe it’s not a lot of really BAD stuff going on, as much as I am just feeling stressed in general, so any little thing will just set me off.
1. Gregory. We saw the pediatrician last week. She looked him over, of course he appears fine now. She contacted the cardiologist, who finally got back to me on Monday. Gregory has an appointment February 22nd with them, and upon reading the EKG, they said it looks fine. So I shouldn’t be worrying anymore right? Riiiight. Tomorrow a technician from some medical equipment company will be coming in to fit Gregory with a “loop recorder” which will record his heartbeat/rate for a period of time. I am not sure yet how long it will have to be on. Somewhere between 24 hours and 1 week I think. I’ll find out tomorrow I suppose LoL. So hopefully this recorder will be a reliable indicator as to whether or not something is going on.
2. Corey. But I have nothing to say about him right now. Moving on.
3. My job (or lack thereof.) This babysitting thing is really beginning to stress me out completely. Yeah, technically, I only watch the one baby, but he is a difficult one, then after school there is STILL Ernie and Ronnie and my own kids still there, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I walk to my second childcare job for two hours, than walk home, getting back home around 9pm. *sigh*
Then add on top of that the fact that I can barely sleep because I am always sleeping alone, and so far I can’t get used to that, (I can’t get it to feel RIGHT without him there next to me, never mind the constant thinking about and wondering where he is all night), and Donovan not wanting to go to bed before 10pm all of a sudden, and it all sums up to me being TIRED. This week I haven’t even really been online too much. Haven’t felt like chatting. And I have even been neglecting all my good online daily reads, friends, and loves. So I think I just need to find a way to slow down a little, take some time for myself, even take a break. Ugh. But that entails taking time to figure out how to do that. LoL. How to find time to figure out how to find time for yourself. Things that make you go…hmmmmmm.
Daily Affirmation:
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. ~ Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

Penned by: Tricia
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We don’t need a psychic to tell us that you’re giving off a Sapphire vibe. People with blue auras feel everything strongly — you tend to get a little emotional at the drop of a hat. You’re also deeply spiritual and introspective. Matters of the heart, mind, and soul are important to you, and your waters run as deep as the ocean. Nurturing by nature, you’re likely a loving, supportive caretaker. That’s why friends, family, and co-workers adore you. They know you’re a good listener and always have great advice and a shoulder for them to cry on. In fact, if we had to find a fault, it’s that you can be a tad too self-sacrificing. Remember that it’s okay to say no sometimes. You forgive everyone else their weaknesses, so go ahead and forgive yourself for a little well-deserved selfishness. Indulge your creative side and do something artsy, or just take a break from being the world’s counselor. You’ll come back refreshed and ready for more.

~*~*~

See which Greek Goddess you are.

Penned by: Tricia
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“Hi, Tricia!!”
Jish asked me to say HI! to my webloggers webring neighbours.
» to the left of me: Single-Blend.
» to the right of me: BarbaraFletcher.com.

Penned by: Tricia
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Whoa…..I have been remiss in my posting. My apologies. I will be back later to write more, there has been a lot, but right now there are three babies in my house wreaking havoc. =D

Penned by: Tricia
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Congratulations!
138 is your Ultimate IQ score.
Your Intellectual Type is a Visual Mathematician. Interesting…
Like Albert Einstein, you have a strong ability to process visual-spatial and mathematical information. These skills combined with your strengths in logic are what make you a visual mathematician.
You’re able to understand patterns visually and in numbers. That means your mind can create a mental picture for any problem. In addition to that skill, you possess an intelligence that allows you to apply math to that picture, too. That helps you manipulate multiple parts of the picture (or problem) to come up with a solution.
You have many skills that are critical to success and problem-solving. Your talents help you understand the “big picture,” which is partly why people may turn to you for direction

Penned by: Tricia
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I was looking around my computer, and I came across a couple of pictures of the boys that I had meant to post, but I think amidst all of the moving around this site was doing I must have forgotten. Enjoy! (pictures open in a new window)
Halloween 2001 – Who ARE those masked men??
Christmas 2001 – Look closely and see that big crocodile tear…

Penned by: Tricia
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Since the pediatrician’s office has been closed all weekend and then again today for Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, I am going to be calling tomorrow to make an appointment for Gregory. So far, though, he seems fine. But I was talking to my mother (more on that in a moment) on the phone, and in mentioning it to her, we got to talking more in depth about that cousin of mine I had mentioned, Renée. It seems like, starting at the age of 8 (Gregory’s age now) she was having the SAME types of episodes, fainting, pulse racing, etc., and went to a battery of doctors before they figured out what was wrong and inserted the pacemaker. So this pretty much scares me, as it does indicate a family history. But I am still hopeful that it is just a fluke kind of thing, and all will be well.
Anyway, back to my mother. We have only been talking again for about 8 or 9 months, after 7 YEARS of not speaking. I am not going into the whole story here, if you really need to know, go into my Motherhood Musings section, I spelled it all out there. So anyway, since we have been talking again, we really have not delved into the reasons behind our not speaking. Probably for good reason. Well, the other night I guess she felt a need to talk about some things pertaining to her probationary period. As usual, she talked about them as if SHE were the victim (at least I know now where I learned how to do that so well…a well-learned habit is SO hard to break), and I am the one who has the power to pull her out of all her problems. Which I do NOT have. As far as I am aware, once a criminal judgement has been made and a sentence given, there isn’t anything the victim of the crime can do to lessen or “forgive” that charge, as she was saying I could. Am I wrong here? Does anyone know? How does it become “my” fault that SHE decided to forge my name on documents and get caught, merely because she thought she was “helping” me. And she had the nerve to say that she continued to pay Boston University for a third year (AFTER she KNEW I had dropped out) and that she never got any of the money from my annuity fund, when I have PROOF that she did. Huh????? To make a long story short, she managed to confuse me, enrage me, make me feel guilty, and make me cry, all in the space of 25 minutes. Some things never change I guess.
Which brings me to some tough self-examination. I am a manipulator. I am so subtle, sometimes I even miss it myself. This is something that I have observed in almost every woman in my family from the day I was born. And I learned it SO well. And I haven’t the faintest idea of how to go about UNlearning it. I always want things my way, even if I have to use force, guilt, or outright put-downs to get it. And I have done it with my own children. THAT is why I have decided to do this self-examination. Because I was brought up dealing with a manipulator. And it was much more pain than it was ever worth. And I don’t want my sons to go through the same kind of confusion and hurt that I did. So I figure even if I don’t know how to change it yet, maybe just ADMITTING it and being AWARE of it can be a first step.

Daily Affirmation:
“People are usually more convinced by reasons they discovered themselves than by those found out by others.” ~ Blaise Pascal

Penned by: Tricia
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I have some more to say later, but for now, I just wanted to post this. I thought it was cute.

You are Kimahri! Always faithful, and a little quiet, you’re a true and noble friend. You’ll stick up for them and always put them above yourself. People wouldn’t want to be your enemy. You’re often judged by your appearance.

Which Final Fantasy X Character would YOU be? Take the test.

Penned by: Tricia
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Today I saw one of my deepest fears touched upon. Something happening to one of my children. Everything seems fine now, but this day has been one filled with anxiety, fear, questions, and even terror.
Gregory passed out in school today. I got a call from the nurse at around 2:00pm. Apparently he was standing in line, waiting to come in from recess. The teacher heard him say “Whoa,” and the next moment he was on the ground. (I can only thank whatever gods watch over me that I wasn’t there at that moment, because I am not so sure I would have been able to handle it.) Two teachers rushed to help him, asking if he was alright. His eyes were open, but he would not focus on them or answer. After about 20 seconds, they helped him to his feet, but he was still unresponsive. Finally after about a minute or so, he began to answer. He says he does not remember falling, or even being on the ground. The nurse reassured me that he appeared fine, although his pulse was a bit high. I talked to him on the phone, and he said he thought he would be OK to finish the school day, and I reluctantly agreed. Then I called his doctor, one because, well, he PASSED OUT, and two, because this past year Gregory has had at least three incidents where he said he felt like his “heart was beating really really fast, and it was hard to breathe.” The doctor himself promptly got on the phone, instead of a nurse, which was the first warning bell. He tells me to take Gregory to the ER right now. (Then he says “Now don’t worry.”) UGH!!! So I call the school to tell them to have him get ready to go while I am trying to figure out how I am going to do this. Then I call Sonia to ask if she can come and get Anthony so that I can take Gregory. She is such a sweetheart. She not only leaves work immediately and comes to pick up Anthony, but she gives us a ride to pick up Gregory, go to the hospital, she WAITS there at the hospital, and drives us home. I love her right about now.
We didn’t have to be at the hospital too long thank goodness. While we were there, Gregory got an EKG. Donovan kind of got a kick out of the doctors putting “stickers” all over Gregory. LoL. The EKG turned out slightly abnormal. But then the doctor tells me that’s perfectly normal. Huh??? Then why does the EKG copy for the pediatrician have “abnormal ekg” across the top of it?? I swear, I am going to go postal on someone. So now I have to make an appointment with Gregory’s pediatrician, and talk about getting a referral to a cardiac specialist.
I feel all tight and wound up and scared inside. I am pretty sure everything is going to be fine, and this is all just a precautionary thing, but I can’t help it. My kids are all that keep me going. I couldn’t bear for something to happen.
I have a cousin, I haven’t seen her in years. She is maybe 7 or 8 years younger than me. Well, when I was in college, she was around 12 or so. She had to have open-heart surgery to insert a pacemaker, one that hooks up to some little computer thing to check her heart every day….for the rest of her life. I don’t know the FULL details, but I do know that her problems started out with little “spells” somewhat eerily similar to what Gregory is experiencing. I am TRYING not to freak out, trying not to assume, but it is so hard. I am a mother, after all. I can only pray to the gods that this all turns out to be nothing, just a fluke, just a random unexplainable fainting spell.
*soft sigh* I am glad I was able to get this all out. I feel a little bit better now.
[it just gets better]And to top it all off, my two godsons got JUMPED getting off of their school bus today. UGH! By THREE kids who aren’t even supposed to BE on the bus! Everyone on the bus, including the bus driver, saw this begin, but no one helped. That’s just sickening! They are alright though. Thank goodness.[/it just gets better]
Oh yeah – and here is my Friday Five.
1. What do you have your browser start page set to?
Just a blank page.
2. What are your favorite news sites?
I like Yahoo news and sometimes MSN.
3. Favorite search engine?
Google.
4. When did you first get online?
In August of 1996 I bought a computer, and in October decided to go ahead and use those free AOL hours…and the rest…just goes down from there. LoL.
5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
Well, we are supposed to get a lot of snow tomorrow, and what with my concern for Gregory right now, we are probably just going to stay home and annoy, I mean enjoy each other. Oh, and the inevitable housework *grin*
Daily Affirmation:
For success, decide upon your true dreams and goals and come up with a plan to achieve them. Plan for the worst and expect the best and believe in yourself and your dreams.

Penned by: Tricia
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I just wanted to express my heartfelt gratitude for the many kind words (and phone calls lol) I received after my previous post. I never meant to alarm anyone. I am going through a very dark time, and when I made that post it felt as though writing about it was the only way I had of expressing some of how I was feeling. I don’t want anyone to figure this out for me, I don’t know if I could take any advice right now, I just wanted someone to listen. That’s all. I needed to know that somewhere, someone was just…listening.
I think part of the problem is that I am literally starving for human touch. Not that I don’t have the boys, and I swear sometimes they think I am smothering with the way I am alway hugging them and patting them, but I guess I am needing more. I don’t even necessarily mean “touch” in any sexual way either. Just…touch. A hug. A pat on the back. A comforting squeeze of the hand. The things I haven’t gotten in SO long. The things I would grovel on the ground for if they were so much as offered. I broke down and cried yesterday. I don’t know why really. I haven’t cried in months. But I brought the babies home from playgroup, and since Donovan was sleeping, I left him in the stroller, and took Anthony into the kids’ room. Then I closed the door, sat down, and burst out crying. HE was sitting in the living room at his computer, as he had the day off. Never asked what was wrong. Never even acknowledged the fact that I had cried. I remember now why I haven’t cried in so long. Because of this. He doesn’t care if I cry. Not that I NEED someone to care, or to offer me a hug, but, after a while, you learn. What’s the point of crying? It just makes me feel worse because no one cares if I do or not. He doesn’t want to listen. He doesn’t want to comfort me. It probably annoys him. I am working on getting over that, I know it shouldn’t matter, because that is HIS selfishness talking, but it still hurts me very deeply. More deeply than I have allowed myself to admit. I try to walk around, putting up a tough front, talking my shit about him, trying to force myself to anger…..then late at night, when I am lying all alone in that bed yet again…I hurt.
And I just need someone to listen.
Daily Affirmation:
You are the only person on earth who can use your ability. ~ Zig Ziglar

Penned by: Tricia
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