Daily Affirmation:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ” ~ Carl Rogers
I have only one problem with this affirmation. I cannot accept myself. I don’t think I have ever been able to. There is always something wrong, something bad, something not quite good enough. And as much as I try and try to counteract those feelings, something comes along in my life and knocks me back down to the bottom. I am not strong. I am not resilient. It takes me a LONG time to climb out of the pit. And it is so easy for me to slide back in again. I don’t have a safety net.
And I am falling again.
I used to cut myself. With razors. I have never said this to anyone before, except my (now-ex) psychiatrist. I suppose it is easier to share with people I have never seen before, people who likely only have a passing interest in the saga that is me. I don’t have any horrid scars, I never was a deep cutter, I didn’t do it often. I guess maybe you could say I was just a scratcher. A deeply private one. So private that I never admitted this to ANYONE until I was 27 years old. And I had been doing it for years. Just enough to feel the physical pain, to cover up, deaden the spritual pain. I worked hard to stop doing this.
Now, I have…thoughts. Cutting thoughts. If I cut, just once, maybe I can release some of this agony building up inside me. If I don’t release it, I will explode. I will come apart. I will be undone. And I will not survive.
These thoughts scare the hell out of me. And I just don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to turn. My inner self is darkness. My outer self is becoming a lie. My life around me beyond my children is meaningless. I am reminded every day, when he stays out all night time and time and time again, how I am not wanted where I live, that I am no better than a maid and a babysitter, and that I have to sit and deal with it because I have nowhere else to go.
I am struggling.
I feel like I am losing.

Penned by: Tricia
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OK, so I am late. I got sidetracked last night working on this project, and by the time I looked up, it was almost 12:30am. So, since I was already late, I figured it wouldn’t matter too much if I went to bed first and posted later. *smile*
1. What was your first job?
I was a shampoo girl for a little local hair salon up the street form where I lived.
2. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
13. I was at summer camp.
3. What was your first car? What happened to it?
My first car I got on my 16th birthday. It was a Mercury Topaz. I had to give it to my Mom the next year when she had to sell her car, and she got ME a little Mercury Lynx. Much more appropriate for a high school kid, I think. =)
4. What was your first concert?
Motley Crue. DON’T even ask. I had a friend in high school that was a total 80′s stereotypical heavy metal chick. I loved her. Hence I went to a Motley Crue concert with her. I don’t think my hearing has ever been the same.
5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
Well, it’s half over already. LoL. Today, I had to go get Gregory a pair of snowpants so he can play outside on the playground at recess. He tries them on, comes out and says, “These make my butt look big.” Hah!! Priceless. What is society doing to our poor kids?? So we buy them(lol), and I found him a pair of footie pajamas too! I couldn’t believe they had them in his size! And they are SO cute on him. Didn’t really do much else today, right now we are watching The Kid (Bruce Willis). Cute movie. Tomorrow is going to be another housework day. Ugh!
Daily Affirmation:
True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice. ~ Samuel Johnson

Penned by: Tricia
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Daily Affirmation:
…first, breathe.
deeply.
In so doing,
you remind yourself,
your physical being-ness that you are,
at this moment,
alive.
Your soul and your spirit are *not* broken, as yet you live and breathe. And your heart??
What if the pain you are now feeling is not the sharp rocks breaking your back after you naively took a leap of faith– but
wings
poking through and opening out to catch the breeze below you. This is the moment when the Beloved is holding you the closest. The yearning and hurt you now feel is your soul’s reaching out to be held, and Spirit is here, and will answer your heart’s cry. This experience is going to transform you, to kill you and re-form you anew, for the highest good…and all will be well.
I believe this change is for the highest good, as all change is, even if, as of right now, we’re too close to see the pattern of the mosiac tiles laid in place around this particular moment. I believe it signals the potential for a new beginning, a further birthing of your highest self– if you dare. The way you demonstrate your willing soul, o beloved, is to keep on breathing.
This, too shall pass.
Blaming yourself for what you think you caused to manifest, does *not* serve you, at all. At this moment, however, you do have a choice- you can allow yourself to get caught up in the anger loop, which, really, is fear wearing a fancy disguise… or you can draw closer to Spirit, however Spirit manifests to you.
This situation is, for some reason, manifesting so that you can demonstrate your mastery over it, learning and growing through witnessing yourself and those around you. I firmly believe that when one door closes, there’s a window opening somewhere, for the highest good.
Hang on, dear heart.
When the ocean of emotions in motion crashes over you, know that it will pass, and that all will be well again. May you learn whatever lessons your soul has chosen, quickly, and go on from this uncomfortable place, into the light which is your nature. Know that you are not, and have never been, alone.

Penned by: Tricia
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POSITION: Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. clientsof all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
—
Daily Affirmation:
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. ~ Rudyard Kipling

Penned by: Tricia
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Daily Affirmation:
I don

Penned by: Tricia
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Daily Affirmation:
The only way you can truly control how you’re seen is by being honest all the time. ~ Tom Hanks
I really don’t have anything much to say about this affirmation other than it is a really good idea for me to remember it, and it should definitely be food for thought for some others. I’m sure you know who you are.
In other news, Donovan FINALLY has decided to say some words!! Well, OK, a few he has been saying inconsistently for about a month now, but he has started to expand a little. His favorite new one is “Hi!” Nothing special, but when you have been waiting 16 months to hear actual words come out of your baby’s mouth, it is like sweet music. So today, that has made me happy. It has been so hard for me to be patient and wait for Donovan to take his own pace with everything. Gregory was….raring to go. All the time. Talking at 7 months. Walking at 10 months. Two and three word phrases at a year. Donovan is slower. More deliberate. A little less frustrated at mistakes. So he takes his time. Sizes things up. Makes me impatient. LoL. But more and more, I am finally learning to appreciate the differences in my two little men. And revel in them. Childhood only comes once. They will only be this age, at this moment, for ONLY this moment. I don’t want to miss a second of it. They need me, and I will slow down and smell the sweetness, see the wonder, taste the splendor, touch the softness, and hear the joy that is childhood.

Penned by: Tricia
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Daily Affirmation:
“Remember this – that very little is needed to make a happy life.” ~ Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
I wish I could say that today’s affirmation made me feel better. It didn’t. I’m tired. Tired of being lonely. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being STUCK. Tired of trying to figure out how the hell to get UNstuck. And today I think I am tired of being a mother. Am I allowed to feel that way? I don’t know, but I am. Took the boys to the mall today, thought it would be a special treat before I start watching Anthony on Monday again, and don’t have too much time. I know Gregory LOVES the arcade there. So we go, on the bus, thank goodness it wasn’t too cold, takes about an hour and a half to get there. Things going fine, eat lunch at Friendy’s, kids have their ice cream, Donovan gets to ride on a few little kiddie rides they have. Then off to the arcade. I give Gregory five dollars. You get 24 tokens for that, so that’s four free. Should darn well be plenty. So of course I end up giving him a few more dollars. LoL. But anyways, he gets a bunch of those tickets you can turn in for prizes, and gets a pair of googly-eyed glasses and this cute little keychain with a light saber that lights up and makes a laser noise when you push the button.
OK, so I TELL Gregory NOT to give the googly-eyed glasses to Donovan. Because of the springs, and because I KNEW Donovan would mess them up. He is predictable like that. So, we are picking up a pair of boots for Gregory, and as I am looking around to see if there might be anything else, what does he do? Give the damn glasses to Donovan. What does Donovan do? Break them. All written in the laws of life. LoL. So Gregory, my little drama king, makes a big show of sighing, blaming, complaining, and then trying to fix the darn things, all the way to the other side of the mall where we have to catch the bus to go home. He can’t fix them. He throws them on the floor. I pick them up, and throw them in the garbage. HELL yeah I do…that is our rule, and he KNOWS it. You throw a tantrum, throw something on the floor because you decide you are mad, it’s MINE. And I will put it in the garbage. End. So. My eight-year-old-third-grader child. CRIES. LOUDLY. On the FLOOR. For TEN minutes. Will NOT get up. All hunched up like he lost his freaking mind. Over a cheap plastic pair of novelty glasses. So I am basically ignoring him while I am getting Donovan ready to go outside. Then I give Gregory his coat, put my own coat on, and head out the door. (The doors are glass, and I am only going to stand right there at the bus stop, don’t y’all go having heart attacks on me that I’m all leaving my child lmao) So he comes out, the bus comes, we get on. He is STILL crying. Good grief. I REFUSE to over-analyze this crap, like, “Oh, what are the underlying reasons of his crying? blah blah blah” HELL no. He has a home, he eats, he has clothes, he has toys, he has a brother, he gets hugs, he gets heart-to-heart talks, he does well in a top-notch school system. He was crying because he thought it would make me feel sorry for him, and give in to whatever it was that he wanted, which was probably to go back to the arcade and try to get another pair of those stupid glasses. HA! It may have taken me a LONG time to learn, but after seeing this today, I feel like I have been skating on the verge of raising a completely spoiled BRAT. Now, granted, MOST of the time (like 91%), he is a really great kid. But he gets these damn moods…..must come from being born on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus…everything is someone else’s fault….and everything consists of DRAMA. Damn. I can’t get AWAY from drama. On the net. At home. With my kids. LMAO. I mean, he has been throwing himself on the floor ever since he could stand up. In first grade, this was one of his biggest issues in school. FIRST GRADE! Throwing himself on the floor when he didn’t get his way, or when someone tried to guide him along when he didn’t want to MOVE when he was told to. Making like someone pushed him. Yelling “Stop PUSHING me!” *sigh* I CAN’T and WON’T beat him, I have tried talking, I have tried cajoling, I have tried encouraging, I have tried yelling, I have tried ignoring, I have tried taking away privileges….anyone have any OTHER suggestions? Help? Snide remarks about my crappy parenting? LoL.
Anyway, I guess my point today is I am just tired. I wish I could just get a little break. ONE day all to myself. Wishful thinking……

Penned by: Tricia
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Oh what the heck everyone else does it. LoL.
1. You’ve just won a complete collection of movies starring one actor – what actor would you pick?
I think I would have to say Bruce Willis. A combination of action/adventure, comedy and thought-provoking movies. What could be better?
2. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
The Lord of the Rings. I want to see it again!
3. What was the last video or DVD that you bought?
Mission: Impossible Collector’s Set with both M:I and M:I-2
4. What movie could you watch over and over again and not get sick of?
The Color Purple
5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
Nothing special. Spend some quality time with the boys, take them out somewhere, maybe out to lunch, on Saturday. Staying home on Sunday, doing some tedious and much-needed housework. *sigh* =D
Daily Affirmation
One of the things that my parents have taught me is never listen to other people’s expectations. You should live your own life and live up to your own expectations, and those are the only things I really care about it. ~ Tiger Woods

Penned by: Tricia
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I am doing the daily affirmation thing in my paper journal as I said I would. But I thought, a double dose is better than a single one, so I decided to post some affirmations here as well. They may not be EVERY day, because I can’t always get online every day, but I will post them as often as I am able. If you can use them, that’s great too, but mostly, they are another way for me to begin learning how to accept positivity into my life. They might be in the form of quotes, stories, or personal statements, whatever feels right to me at the time. Enjoy.
Today’s Affirmation:
“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Penned by: Tricia
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Well, it’s the start of a New Year. I decided on something a little different for the layout of this site. I hope people like it, because I might not want to change it again anytime soon lol.
I didn’t really do anything special for New Year’s Eve. Stayed home with the kids, working on this site mostly. Had Donovan blowing noise makers and throwing his arms in the air trying to shout “Happy New Year!” LoL pure comedy. Gregory was DETERMINED to stay up to watch the Times Square ball drop, but guess what? At 11:52, he layed down on the couch. I look over at 11:56, he is SOUND ASLEEP!! Haha! Well, there’s always next year. *chuckling*
So I was reading Rose‘s entry about New Year’s resolutions, and I have to agree with her. I always try to avoid making one, because I have this sinking feeling I won’t be able to fulfill it, anyway. Then it just seems as though the year starts off badly when I fail, and it can only go down from there. Yeah, I know, negativity. So I have a similar resolution to Rose (Thanks sis!). I am going to resolve to allow less negativity to sneak its way into my head and heart. Note, I didn’t say not ANY negativity, because THIS year I am not going to set myself up to fail. I have acquired a journal, and each and every day, whether I want to or not, whether I feel like it or not, I am going to write in it. An affirmation. Just one, if that’s all I can muster. Something positive. Encouraging. Self-aware. That’s all. Just something to remind me every day that there IS something worth living for, after all. Besides my kids even. And that thing is ME. Happy New Year all. =) It just might be a good one after all.

Penned by: Tricia
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