I’ve never been the kind of girl people fall in love with. I’ve never been proposed to. Only one man has ever told me he loved me, and this has proved to be so patently untrue it is laughable. I always try to pick myself up, convince myself it’s THEM and not ME, and go on, but it just happens again and again and again. I have never been in a relationship where I wasn’t cheated on. My current relationship is my longest running one, beating the next one by a full 4 years and 8 months (my current relationship has lasted 5 years), and for the past 4 years of that time I feel like I stay here because this is all I am going to get, all I deserve, all I should hope for. At some point, I HAVE to acknowledge that it’s me that is the problem.
I have a friend who seems to have this invisible power to draw people to her. And they fall in love with her. In fact, the one person in the world that I love above all others, that I would give up everything to be with, but can’t or won’t ever return my feelings, told HER he could fall in love with her. Damn. That HURTS.
In many ways, she is just like me. Depressed, lonely, alone, with feelings of failure and inadequacy. So what does she have that I lack so severely?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her for this. Quite the opposite, in fact. I love her even more. For telling me. For being HER. For not changing who she is for anyone else. She is the friend of my soul, the sister I never had. I feel like I have known her forever, I can tell her anything, I NEED her. But then, I guess a lot of people feel that way about her. She can’t help it if these people are feeling this for her. She can’t even imagine why. But, I have to admit, I am jealous. Why? I probably don’t have any reason to be. Maybe I am so starved for someone to love me, and feeling so unworthy of that same love, that the thought of someone else being told by this person then that person that they love her is a little unbearable.
I feel lost. Alone. Useless. Defenseless against the onslaught of feelings.
I would have preferred to stay the way I have been for months now. Without any feelings at all, numb, not even able to cry. But I know from experience that when I get to the point where I can’t FEEL, I may be well on my way to something bigger and darker. And I can’t afford to do that right now. If I land in the hospital now, I doubt I will have my children when I get out. And they are the only thing that I have done or have in my life that is worth living for. I am hanging on by a thin, stretched, gossamer thread.
And all I can think about is how I can change myself so that I can be loved. I don’t want or need to be just like her, I know that is a useless endeavor. But I wish I could figure out how to make my outside self more like the me I feel I am on the inside. The me no one knows, or cares to know. Because I don’t know how to let them.

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »

Gee, there are so many of these things to fill up your blog….do we really have so few things to talk about off of our OWN heads?? LoL
Monday Mission 2.8
1. What part of your body would you most like to change? Explain.
Errrr…..the fat part? LoL, OK…mostly my stomach. I would like it to be smaller.
2. What are the Blogs you absolutely must visit each time you log on, no matter what?
Well, there are actually a lot that I LOVE to read, but I always make sure to check out Kari, Rose, Tashia, and Mike at least once every time I come online if I have time.
3. What part of your (current or most recent) significant other’s body would you most like to change?
Nothing, really.
4. At what age would you consider yourself as “old?”
Old? Sheesh, at LEAST 70…..probably closer to 90…lol
5. I hear many stories about children who show potential in a certain area, only to have their spirits crushed by parents or teachers because they are told they aren’t doing it right, or will never amount to anything. Was there a point in your life where you feel like you were discouraged in some manner that had an effect on your life?
Well, my ex-stepfather used to tell me on a regular basis that I was just like my mother, I would never amount to anything, and it was a good thing that he loved me (by “love”, I guess he meant that secret thing he did to me when my mother wasn’t home that made me feel dirty) because no one else did or ever would.
6. Eek! I left home without my Visor today, I feel nearly naked! What item(s) make you feel naked when you walk off and forget them?
Hah….I think I would have to say my kids (or, at least, the baby) for this one. If I don’t have him with me, I feel like I am forever checking around me for…something. Sad, isn’t it?
7. I believe we are all artistic in some form or fashion. Not just limited to drawing or painting, but carpentry, baking, music, gardening, collecting, you get the idea. What is it you do that best expresses your artistic side?
Well, I draw pretty well, even though I don’t have much time, and I write and/or tell lots of silly little kids’ stories, and my crocheting skills are gowing by leaps and bounds, I can make a really pretty afghan now (crocheting is really very soothing and meditative).
BONUS: Stop, hey… what’s that sound?
Must be Gregory again. “Ma…..Ma….Ma……….MA!” Oh my GODS, and he’s teaching Donovan how to do it!!!!

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »

Courtesy of MizDos and Hoopty, here are 12 amazing but true facts about me.

• I have a tatoo of a yin-yang sign with two dolphins “swimming” around it on my left outer calf.
• I have 9 piercings (5 in my right ear, 3 in my left, and my nose). And I would be interested in more, most notable my eyebrow.
• I did drama/theater/musical theater all through high school, college, and beyond, including semi-professional and community theater, until I had my first son. I miss it A LOT.
• I can play the piano, the flute (and the piccolo), and the accordion (yes, really, the accordion). I once won honorable mention in a national high school band soloists competition playing the flute.
• When I was 12, my family and I went to Aspen, Colorado to go skiing and saw a man skiing naked (nothing but boots and skis on – it was a dare), and we have the pictures to prove it (and no, I won’t post them here ).
• I didn’t meet my biological father until I was 15 years old.
• I have dyed my hair nearly every color of the rainbow (including pink and green).
• I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.
• I REALLY LOVE go-go music (this is music that is native ONLY to the Washington, D.C. and Baltimore area, you have to hear it to understand what I am talking about….maybe I will try to get some clips up of it).
• More times than I can count I have been the only white person in the immediate vicinity, and really didn’t even notice until someone pointed it out to me. LoL.
• I absolutely adore breastfeeding. (And NO, it isn’t a sexual thing, you nekkid FREAKS!). I just love the COMPLETENESS I feel, the knowledge that only I can feed my child, only I can comfort him, and he is completely healthy and happy because of something I can provide for him. Given how hard I worked to get breastfeeding right with my younger son, and almost failing several times, I feel like I deserve to enjoy it.
• I am currently experiencing a deep sense of disappointment at not being married by the time I turn 30 (which will be in 5 months). Any takers? LoL.
• I am a closet freak. (Oh, wait, I guess that’s not such a little known fact after all. Oooopps. =D…..OK, OK, OK, so I’m not exactly in the closet either…technicalities, I tell ya. hehehehe)

Oh, I guess that was 13 facts. Cool. A coven of facts.

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »

My Friday Five.
1. Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Do you think it fits you pretty well?
I’m a poster child for Cancer.
2. What’s the worst birthday gift you’ve ever received?
Ummmm…no gift at all?
3. What’s the best birthday gift you’ve ever received?
A beautiful hand-carved box with a gold pentacle on the top, with a lovely sheer scarf, incense, and scented candles inside.
4. What’s the best way you’ve celebrated your birthday thus far?
I am a serious homebody, so my favorite celebration so far was when all of my friends gathered at “La Casa Rosada”(another story), and we sat around singing songs, joking around, drinking, and eating lots of yummy cake. That’s the life. =D
5. What are your plans for this weekend?
Don’t really have any plans right now, it’s been pretty nice weather-wise lately, if it continues through the weekend I will probably take the kids to the park to get out some of that excess energy they have been building up all week.
Daily Affirmation:
In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. ~ Ann Landers

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OK, so I am posting this on Wednesday. SO WHAT??
1. January or July? July. But then, my birthday is in July, so maybe I am partial.

2. Email or letters? Letters. Although I don’t write them nearly often enough.

3. Milk or orange juice? Milk

4. Brunette or blond? Brunette

5. Digital or film camera? Film

6. Camping or hotel? Hotel. I love the romance that is camping, but when it comes right down to it, I guess I’m just a girlie-girl who hates to get dirty. LoL.

7. Pencil or pen? Pen

8. Rollerblading or roller skating? Neither

9. Fly or drive? Drive. Can you say road trip?

10. White or black? Black
Hmmmmm… I almost forgot. I think I REALLY need these now.
Daily Affirmation:
Anyone can be successful, and yet no one becomes successful in exactly the same way as anyone else. Be who you truly are and you’ll become the best that you can be. ~Ralph Marston

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

OK OK, you win. People really DO love me! *sob*
Or, at least, stalk me. Which might be just as good.
I intend to have a real post up here, like, at some point. Really. I really didn’t mean to worry anyone, and I apologize. These past several weeks have been pretty tough for me, and I guess I just needed a break. Then, of course, the kids and I got sick. Me, I still feel like I was run over, squished flat, blown back up with torture straws, and then buffeted back and forth between two mountaintops for some giant’s amusement. But other than that, I am GREAT! *sarcasm, drip drip drip*
hehehehe
OK, seriously, I will be back sometime before the weekend with a real post. Now, back to bed *yawnnnn*

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

Ther is no point to this post. Hell, there is no point to life. Just an endless stream of pain and misery and hopelessness and pointlessness. Forget it all. I’m done with this site, I think. I don’t know, I haven’t really decided yet, but what’s the point? It doesn’t mean…anything. Nothing means much of anything anymore. Bleh. Bye.

Penned by: Tricia | 9 Comments »

So…you think you know me?? Take the test and find out!
That said begged, I HATE tests. Any kind of test. IQ tests. School tests. Medical tests. I hate the test that Gregory has to deal with right now. I am sorry I didn’t elaborate earlier, it has just been hard for me to see him like this. OK, the guy from the medical supply company came last Thursday. He gave us this thing called a “King of Hearts”. It’s basically a portable EKG machine, about the size of a beeper. There is a wire plugged into it, that splits into two wires, which are attached by plastic snaps to two locations on Gregory’s torso, where he has these electrode stickers attached to his skin. It is a 30-day test. 24 hours a day. If he feels funny, he has to press a big button on the front of the machine, and sit still for a minute. The machine records his heart rate for the 90 seconds BEFORE the button was pushed, the one-minute of recording, AND the 90 seconds AFTER. So wild. THEN there is a 1-800 number to call, and I tell the person there that I am calling in for Gregory, blah blah and so forth, then they say, “Send it!” and I hold the machine up to the phone, and push a little “Send” button, wait until it is done transmitting for the 2 1/2 minutes, and voila!, the recording is transmitted from our machine to their machine. Then I guess they have technicianswho look the reading over, and see if anything is wrong or suspect, and if something is, we would get a call back from them telling us to go to our doctor to be sure.
So far we have had to transmit one time. He was dizzy in school the day BEFORE we got the machine. Then he was dizzy TODAY, told the teacher, went to the nurse’s office, and the nurse pushed the button. (I am kind of upset that Gregory didn’t push the button on his own, I KNOW he is only 8, but no one else is going to know how HE feels, he NEEDS to learn how to be a bit responsible with this. I am not sure how I can stress this to him. All of the teachers know to push the button if he happens to pass out again, but other than that, HE needs to be aware of what is going on.) Anyway, when he got home from school, there was NO recording in the machine for me to send! ARGHHHH!! He calims he didn’t touch anything, so I don’t know WHAT could have happened to it! I meet with the nurse Wednesday morning to show HER how to call it in, but I assumed it could wait until he got home to call in today. I really think this would have been a good reading, because his teacher said he had gotten really upset about thinking he lost a glove just before he said he had a headache and felt dizzy. *sigh*
Anyway, I am just really stressed over this whole thing. Add to that, his poor skin is getting really red and sore under the stickers, and when he takes them off he is almost in tears from the discomfort. I am trying to get in touch with the cardiologist to ask him if maybe Gregory wouldn’t have to wear the machine at night, since as far as I know, nothing has ever happened at night, and at least it would give his skin a chance to BREATHE.
OK. I am glad I got that out. For anyone brave enough to get of the end of this boring tirade, I thank you. LoL. Now go take my test. *muah*
Daily Affirmation:
Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine. ~ Thomas Jefferson

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

The Font Quiz – You are Redensek!
Wowie! You are Redensek! You are techy yet cute, and pretty much all around cool. Everyone loves you! You’re fun, popular, and can mold yourself to fit right in to any situation.
Check out the redensek font at fontalicious!

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

And now, for the Friday Five.
1. Have you ever had braces? Any other teeth trauma?
I’ve never had braces. The only interesting thing to ever happen to my teeth is I had to have a silver cap put on one of my baby teeth to prevent it from falling out too soon, thus CREATING a need for braces. I was *so* proud of that cap, I cried when it finally fell out. Oh, and I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 18. With only local anesthesia. Ugh, the sounds of bone cracking as they were pulling those teeth will be with me forever. I was at college, and my Mom came up for three days to be my slave take care of me… Of course, I only had three wisdom teeth. They never found a fourth one. Leave it up to me.
2. Ever broken any bones?
Never
3. Ever had stitches?
Never. GEEZE, how boring am I??
4. What are the stories behind some of your [physical] scars?
Only things that stand out to me are a couple of obligatory knee and elbow scars of a certified former tomboy. Those and a few odds and ends on my forearms from my days of working as a teacher’s aide in a school for handicapped children. They had a lot of behavioral issues there, and needless to say, sometimes I just wasn’t fast enough to avoid a pinch, scratch, or occasional bite. LoL
5. How do you plan to spend your weekend?
I have to babysit tomorrow for Anthony. Yeah, I know, a glutton for punishment, I have him all week, and I am going to throw Saturday into the mix?? Well, extra money for me. La dee da. Sunday, I don’t know. We usually go to a Superbowl party with some of Corey’s friends, but I am not sure I feel up to an entire day of pretending we are anything close to a real couple anymore.
Daily Affirmation:
Balance, peace, and joy are the fruit of a successful life. It starts with recognizing your talents and finding ways to serve others by using them. ~ Thomas Kinkade

Penned by: Tricia | 1 Comment »