I noticed in my last few posts I basically borrowed from other people to create something to write. Why? I asked myself that same question. The only answer I could seem to come up with is that my actual life is just too boring to write about. I mean, who REALLY wants to hear about screaming babies and stinky diapers and angsty 8-year-olds and housework? That’s really all I do every day. There are some days when I do not speak to another adult at ALL. I do not get any time to spend just for myself. Maybe that is why I am feeling so useless and “emotionally disabled” lately. And that’s another thing, when I DO try to talk about things, my posts dissolve into some kind of ridiculous “poor me” tirade. UGH. Like I said, boring. So maybe it is easier and safer to just get ideas from other people, and plug my own answers into them. It saves me from having to sort through my grey-colored life to find some spark of red or green or yellow or purple that is worth sharing. Maybe I need to go the other way, like some people do, and just spend my time plugging other people and sites, and leave the bulk of “myself” out of it. But no. That is SO not me. If I am going to continue doing this “blogging” thing, I can only be myself. I am WAY too intense and introspective of a person (wow, I have never been able to admit that before) to try to close off a part of myself when I write. I think it is very difficult for me to write this way, in the first person, about things actually happening around me. I tend to practise escapism, writing stories and poems and drawing, creating my own fantasy world, as a way of dealing with things. I sometimes think about sharing those things here, but they are mostly of such a dark and brooding nature that I would be afraid of turning people away. *nervous laugh* I was thinking of maybe adding a new section to this site where I could channel some of my negativity in a more productive way. Would anyone read it if I did?

On a brighter note, I did crawl out from under my rock long enough to join up with a project that sounds like it is going to me SO MUCH fun! It is called the Story-Go-Round, and it was thought up and started by the indomitable Gina. Basically, there are several participants, and each person writes a section of the story, then links to the next person in line to write the next section. The first part of the story is already up over at Gina’s place, so go check it out! I think I am 5th in line, so it could be about a week or so before I have to write my section. I hope I can live up to the legends that are participating. =D
OK, today I actually DO want to plug someone. LoL. She is such a sweetie, and her site is quite lovely. Go check her out and say “Hi!”

Penned by: Tricia | 4 Comments »

This is an interesting thing I found at Emerald Sky’s house, via Val.
Countdown
Nine things you wear daily:
1. Glasses/contacts
2. Unmentionables
3. Deodorant
4. Shirt/blouse
5. Pants (I rarely wear a skirt)
6. Shoes
7. Watch
8. Lip balm
9. Nose ring/earrings
Eight movies you’d watch over and over:
1. The Color Purple
2. Armageddon
3. Gladiator
4. Titanic
5. The Emperor’s New Groove
6. Shrek
7. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
8. Braveheart
Seven albums that matter:
1. Cree Summer – Street Faerie
2. Enya – Watermark
3. The Cranberries – No Need to Argue
4. India Arie – Acoustic Soul
5. Maxwell – Embrya
6. No Doubt – Return of Saturn
7. Lauryn Hill – The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
Six objects you touch every day:
1. Donovan
2. Gregory
3. Computer keyboard
4. Toothbrush
5. Coffee mug
6. Bed
Five things you do every day:
1. Hug/kiss Donovan
2. Hug/kiss Gregory
3. Shower
4. Check e-mail
5. Read something
Four bands/singers that you couldn’t live without:
1. Maxwell
2. Lenny Kravitz
3. Cree Summer
4. Lauryn Hill
Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. Cree Summer – Mean Sleep
2. Lenny Kravitz – Yesterday is Gone
3. India Arie – Strength, Courage, & Wisdom
Two people that have influenced your life the most:
1. Lori
2. Mom
One thing you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Nature

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »

I saw this at Jaziology
1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. Without you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique, in your own way.
9. Someone that you don’t know even exists, loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned it’s back on you, take a look; you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, you”ll probably will get it sooner or later.
13. Always remember compliments you received, forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel, then they’ll know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they’re great.

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

I will be back in a bit to add another post, but first, the Friday Five.
1. If you could eat dinner with and “get to know” one famous person (living or dead), who would you choose?
Tad Williams. I used to be on a mailing list pertaining to him and his books (I NEED to find that again, it was awesome) and he would write in to the list himself occasionally, and he seemed like a really intriguing personality. And I LOVE his books.
2. Has the death of a famous person ever had an effect on you? Who was it and how did you feel?
YES, Marion Zimmer Bradley. She has been my favorite author since I was 11 years old. I have read damn near close to ALL of her books, and I loved every one. When she passed away, I felt like a dear friend had gone.
3. If you could BE a famous person for 24 hours, who would you choose?
Probably Marie Curie. Wow, what must it have FELT like to make such a discovery???
4. Do people ever tell you that you look like someone famous? Who?
Nope, I am Mary Ordinary. LoL.
5. Have you ever met anyone famous?
Yep, I met Anne Rice when I was in college (wow, a lot of authors in here, can you tell I am a book worm??) and got her book “The Witching Hour” signed.

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

Well, gee, I sounded like a whiny little brat yesterday. I still feel basically the same, but I think I will refrain from posting about it anymore here. It sounds even more pathetic typed out than in does in my head! Anyway, on with the Monday Mission 2.12
1. What helps you get started every morning?
COFFEE!!! The Goddess Caffeina, The Great Java the Cup. I really NEED to cut down, but I can’t seem to live without it. Support groups, anyone?
2. What is the most memorable thing anyone has ever made for you?
Gregory made me a little picture of a heart with a note attached that says “Dear Mom, I love you so much that I think I am going to explode.” I still have it tacked up on my corkboard, and it can still make me cry.
3. What music are you currently listening to in your car?
Well, I don’t have a car, but if I did, there would be Maxwell, India Arie, Nas, Meshell Ndegeocello, Cree Summer, and Lenny Kravitz definitely. Probably some Disney Silly Songs in there too. LoL
4. One thing I like to do is buy USA Today on Wed, Thur and Fri. Even if I don’t have the money, I will find a way to buy them, because I just love reading them. What is one “splurge” you allow yourself, even when you shouldn’t?
I LOVE all kinds of body lotions, bath gels and bubble baths, shampoos and conditioners, good smelling stuff, and whenever I see one I haven’t tried I find myself picking it up. *smh* I think I need some new cabinets in the bathroom hehehe.
5. Have you ever been given a “second chance?” What happened and did you make the most of it?
Hmmm…not something I want to talk about now, but yes, I have been given lots of second chances, and no, for the most part, I can’t seem to learn my lesson.
6. Do you have a lot of friends outside of your own ethnic background?
Actually, the vast majority of my friends/associates are outside of my ethnic background. Why? Beats me. Maybe I have more in common, but really, I just tend to like who I like, and not think about ethnicity too much, so I was actually kind of surprised when I thought about this. In real life, I have about 2-3 white friends, and I don’t talk to them overly much. Even online, my white friends are few and far between.
7. What was the last situation that really, really pissed you off?
I don’t get to that point very often. Since I had kids, it almost ALWAYS happens because of something that gets done to them. So the last time I was REALLLLY pissed off was when Gregory was in first grade, and our neighbor, who doesn’t like me because I am white, told her children (who were 6, 11, and 12 at the time) to follow Gregory home from school and beat him up. (yes, she really told them to do this, that’s what those kids told the police after I had to get them involved.) I don’t think I have ever been more pissed in my life. That someone would TELL a 5th and 6th grader to HIT a small 1st grader is just heinous to me. This was when I was about four months pregnant with Donovan, and she also threatened to beat ME up (the woman is in her 30’s for pete’s sake), and kill my “ugly” baby. WTF? WE are the adults, if you don’t like ME, tell ME, how DARE you take it out on a child that never did ANYTHING to you or anyone else in his life?? Dang…OK…so I guess I can still get pissed about it. It doesn’t help that we STILL have to live next door to them.
BONUS: Who’s your friend when things get rough?
Kari

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

I am home. Whenever I am in this house, I start having a strange metallic taste in my mouth, and then the most terrible heartburn…ALL the time lately. Someone told me it is from stress. *shrug*
I noticed an interesting thing about myself this weekend. I was in a great mood, high expectations, ready for a nice few days away from “it all.” Then a strange thing happened. We were in Salem Saturday. We got there a bit later than I would have liked, and we ended up NOT having a car to get there like I had originally thought, but that was alright, we got on the bus and headed there. I got a few great things that seemed to jump at me from their shelves and say “You must have me!” Then we had a nice dinner, and began to head to the station to hopefully take the commuter rail back to Boston because it was faster. So we are walking, and I am feeling pretty confident, and still happy, and I recognized most of where we were, and I felt sure I knew how to get to the station. Of coourse, I made a wrong turn after being POSITIVE it was correct. After asking someone, we turned around, and this is when the strange thing occurred. I began to actually notice my “inner dialog.” That is, me speaking with myself about what was going on.
“Dammit, you should have known that.”
‘Well, it HAS been three years since I’ve been here.’
“Well, so? You LIVED here for two months that last time you were here, you shouldn’t have forgotten THAT easily.”
‘But it’s dark, and I just got turned around.’
“Oh, who cares? If you weren’t so stupid, you would have remembered. Now we are going to miss the commuter rail.”
‘Why should we miss it? We have 5 minutes still.’
“Because that’s what ALWAYS happens to you. You ALWAYS miss the bus/train/whatever. Nothing good will EVER happen to you if you keep being such a fucking loser. No wonder no one wants to be around you, you stupid fuck.”
‘OK…you are right. See, there goes the train.’
“I told you. You are damn lucky the bus is late, because it would serve you right to have to stand outside for an hour with these kids until the next one. Craig will never want you to come visit again.”
‘I know. I don’t even think he wants me here now.’
“Of course he doesn’t. He just feels sorry for you. And so do I. Loser.”
‘OK…sorry.’
Yeah. That was it. There’s more, but I don’t feel like typing it all out. The point is, from that point on, I felt a – shift – in my mood. It ruined the entire rest of the night. I couldn’t shake it. What’s more, I don’t think I WANTED to shake it. I think from the second I heard that voice, I felt – relieved. Like “YES, this is the way it is SUPPOSED to be.” Comfortable. In a place I could understand. And it really just fit with the way things happened for the rest of the night, too. I guess my expectations were a bit TOO high. It’s not that it’s Craig’s fault, he was having a creative thing going on (I guess) and he sat at the computer almost all night both Friday and Saturday. At least Friday he still talked to me. Saturday, I just sat there and slept for a bit, and then just vegetated while he stared at the screen nonstop, not only working on his music, but chatting with other people as well. I could have just stayed home with Corey to be around someone like that. [edit]OK, so I am sure that’s pretty unfair, because we did have some great conversations Friday night/Saturday morning, and I received a lot of insights into things that are going on with me, but whenever my inner dialog takes over, my perceptions become skewed to the point where I can hardly tell what is reality, and that is why I withdraw so deeply. And that is just…how I felt…how I still feel to an extent.[/edit] I felt even more unwanted, unseen, isolated, alone, lonely, depressed, a loser, a failure. I left early today because I just couldn’t stand being in the house anymore with those feelings that wouldn’t go away. They followed me here anyway. It didn’t help that on the way home, at the bus station, I went on an eating binge. Sat there and ate myself into a stomach ache with fast food. What the hell difference does it make if I gain more weight, or lose any? No one cares. They STILL won’t like me, or want to be around me, or want to look at me. And I still wouldn’t feel any better about myself. And if I couldn’t get these feelings out here on this screen right now, I would have to go throw myself off a damn bridge somewhere. And I really don’t give a crap what anyone thinks about that. I think I will just go to bed.

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »

Well, Sunday morning and here I am still in Boston. Although I am SO ready to leave. Not that I am looking forward to going back to the hellhole where I stay, but I get the feeling that my welcome is more than over here. *shrug* whatever. I don’t feel much wanted anywhere I am anyways. I did manage to scan a few nice pictures in, and I MIGHT get a chance to do some cam pics of the kids before I leave. Anyway, here are a few of them, including some blasts from the past of yours truly. I know the quality of these pictures stinks, I really couldn’t figure it out, except that it might be a combination of the scanner, and my inability to properly figure out the image editing software that I had to use. LoL. Deal.
I knew it, all along.
Ski bunny.
Sara-puppy at Blue Knob.
And here are a few quick ones of the kiddos.
Donovan at playgroup last year.
Gregory at school.

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

Wow, so I am doing another blogging session while I am not at home *grinz*.
I am visiting one of my bestest buddies Craig, in Boston. It was quite an adventure getting here UGH. First of all, it is COLDDDDD. Then, we are at the bus station, and the dummies overbooked as usual, so we have to wait for a second bus, THEN we have to get OFF that bus at the first stop to get on another one. Sounds simple? Try it with two kids (one who needs to be carried), stroller, bag, blanket, and baby bag. *whew* But anyway, obviously, we FINALLY made it (yay!) and I am SO looking forward to going to Salem tomorrow. =)
So, here’s the Friday Five for now.
1. What is your favorite time of year?
Definitely autumn.
2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season?
Indian summer, the smell of burning leaves, watching the colors changing on the trees, as if the Goddess decided to splash paint on a canvas, and now that I am an adult, the kids going back to school. *grin*
3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why?
Summer! I HATE the heat!
4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons?
Absolutely. The beginning of Spring is also Ostara, and I always do a private ritual to welcome the season, as well as a few things to get the kids involved, such as coloring eggs and tossing them into water (symbolizing life and fertility).
5. What’s your favorite thing to do outside?
Play with the kids in the park. I am such a big kid. I love going on the playscapes with them, swinging on the swings, just acting crazy.
More to come later. I brought some pictures I want to get scanned in to show. =)

Penned by: Tricia | 1 Comment »

Well, here is a new layout. Sheesh, I was such a baby about it all. Agonized for hours over the coding, then changed my mind about uploading it a half a dozen times. LoL. I miss my lady of the field a bit though, but I think she needs some rest. Maybe I will bring her out again sometime, like a lovingly worn old cardigan sweater, soft and fuzzy with many washings.
I hate change. Maybe even more than hate. I DESPISE it. I really don’t know why. Except that change – any kind of change, even a simple layout change – scares the hell out of me. I am always thinking: “Is this the right decision? What if I’m wrong? What will people think? What will I think of myself? Will I have regrets? Will this ruin my life?” Yeah. I really truly think like that. Years and years of conditioning have brought me to this point. And the change I need to make to alter this thought pattern/behavior is proving to be the toughest obstacle of all. Habits die hard. Most of you probably already know this. I don’t have any of the usual vices that people sometimes hate so much. I don’t smoke (EWWWW), I don’t drink (I fall down after about one drink), I don’t do drugs (did pot a few times, really can’t get down with it), I used to bite my nails, but I don’t anymore (well, I changed ONE thing…). But I have these…mental habits. Bad ones. And the road to changing them has so far been paved with thistles – large, pointy ones. But I am here to say that I am going to KEEP trying…as best I can.
Today it SNOWED. On the first day of Spring. Hardly any snow ALL Winter, then in the past few days it has snowed TWICE. It’s not staying, but it has been beautiful. Soft flakes of white blanketing the stark branches of trees, as if the Goddess was enveloping them in Her gentle embrace. Windowpanes moistened by Her frosty kisses. Baby looking out the window as if the falling snow were the 8th wonder of the world, and the most perfect thing he had ever seen. That look of innocent amazement on his face is worth every hardship it took for me to be in this place. I wouldn’t trade my kids for ANYTHING. Even when they scream for 20 minutes straight or complain endlessly about this, that, and the other thing. *grin*
But then, once again, I find myself wishing things could just stay the same…*sigh*. Am I the only one?
Hmmmm…I can’t think of anything else to say right now. Ain’t that a bitch? LoL =D
Daily Affirmation:
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. ~ Charles Darwin

Penned by: Tricia | 8 Comments »

Tuesday’s This or That
1. Run or walk? Walk.
2. Thistle or dandelions? I actually like dandelions, especially when they turn all white and you can blow the seeds away and make a wish. I love it that Gregory likes to do that too now. =D
3. Birds singing or crickets chirping? Crickets. I love night time.
4. Allergies or none? None.
5. A, B, C or 1, 2, 3? A, B, C.
6. “Easy as pie” or “simple as cake”? “Easy as pie.”
7. Trampoline or swimming pool? When I was around 9, we moved into this HUGE house that had a 50 foot swimming pool with a diving board in the back yard. I have exceedingly fond memories of that pool, so I have to say….yeah, pool.
8. Nickel or penny? Nickel, definitely. Pennies tend to procreate at a rather alarming rate of uselessness.
9. Basketball or baseball? Basketball.
10. Sliding doors or French doors? Sliding doors.

Penned by: Tricia | 1 Comment »