I swear I HAVE to do the Monday Mission. Maybe it’s cause Promoguy is such a cutie.
Monday Mission 2.15
1. What caused your last case of psuedo-road rage?
Well, the last time I had a car, I lived in Boston, so “pseudo-rage” probably happened at least once a day, usually because some idiot actually thought they were going to try and cut in front of me. Ha!
2. Tell me about one of your favorite television shows that was cancelled (past or present).
Millennium – what a fabulous show that wasn’t given nearly enough credit.
Max Headroom (YES, I LOVED that show, I admit it, it was one of the first shows I watched when I was first allowed to start watching TV somewhat regularly. As a child, I just…wasn’t allowed to watch much TV. Maybe I need to take the same tactic with these boys. Hmmmm…..)
3. Have you ever gone online and pretended to be someone else? What’s the story there?
Only once, when I used to play trivia games a lot on IRC, once I signed on with an anonymous name because I wanted to play but didn’t want to be bothered with anyone chatting. I didn’t make up any big elaborate story to go with it, I just played for an hour then left. I don’t think I COULD effectively play anyone else but myself.
4. What was (is) one of your favorite Children’s books?
Gosh, there are so many that I liked myself, and that I enjoy with the kids, but I guess right now a few of mine and Donovan’s favorites are The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Amazing Grace, Boundless Grace, and The Tale of Mr. Jeremy Fisher. Gregory and I enjoy Harry Potter and the Goosebumps series. (OK, I was supposed to put ONE, huh? HAH….OK, if I HAD to pick ONE favorite of my own, I would say A Wrinkle in Time. Or….damn. I’ll list them all some other time. *grin*)
5. Can you recommend a CD (tape or otherwise) for me to listen to on the drive home?
Definitely India Arie. Or maybe Meatloaf‘s Bat Out of Hell. HAH! That’s a GREAT one for singing along if you are be yourself and don’t mind people in other cars pointing and laughing.
6. What is your online nickname and what is the story behind how you selected it?
Well, nowadays I mostly just use my own name, but I used to be Rhiannon, which WAS my pagan craft and magickal name, and I also go by WhtChocL8 and/or ChocL8GrL, because I love chocolate, of course.
7. Ever been bitten or stung before (snake, wasp, dog, etc)?
Bee, yes. I am not allergic, so it wasn’t a big deal. Nothing else that I can think of.
BONUS: Does anybody love anybody anyway?
The way I feel about love lately, I don’t even know if I believe it exists anymore, in a romantic way.

Penned by: Tricia
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First of all, I heartily apologize to anyone I worried, confused, exasperated, irritated, or otherwise annoyed with my last post. For those who wrote comments and/or e-mailed me, thank you, and I appreciate it, and if I don’t answer you directly right away, it is nothing personal. I don’t really have any explanation for it, other than the fact that, after my head cleared, I am positive that this was NOT an attention-seeking stunt for me. Some of you may not believe that, but *I* know it, and it’s all that matters to me right now. I barely remember even typing the words.
Lately so many feelings are coming to the surface in waves, tidal waves, veritable tsunamis of feelings that I cannot contain behind the tight wall of my mind. If the feelings don’t come out one way, in a safe, relatively non-destructive way like writing, or walking, they come out another way, like self-cutting or other self-abuse, or even attempted suicide (I haven’t done that one in years, so there really isn’t much need to worry about it). I drilled myself so long to NOT do the self-destructive things that it ALMOST always works.
I guess I have taken to writing the things here because I don’t feel safe at ALL expressing my feelings here in my real life. I get told I am silly, ridiculous, it’s all my fault that I feel this way, I don’t really feel this way, I should feel this other way instead, I HAVE to get THIS kind of help NOW. It all serves to push me further inside my shell rather than helping me come out. When I write here, I am sure most people are thinking the same things, but I can turn off the computer and escape it. I can’t do that with my life. I don’t even get so much as a 5-minute pee break to myself. Someone always wants something, needs something from me.
But it is getting to the point where I am giving so much and getting back so much less that the barrel is emptying faster than my current extremely meager self-worth can refill it, and I can’t seem to stop the madness. And I am afraid. And up until now I couldn’t quite figure out why.
Bran said something in her blog the other day that hit me like a ton of bricks. About taking medication. And the “flat” feeling it gives you. Like, you don’t feel really bad, but you don’t feel really good, either. I know the time is fast approaching when I will need medication again. But I think it is that weird flat feeling that is subconsciously stopping me. Like, I want to feel better, but I don’t want to lose the few good feelings I do have.
I think this is all part of the reason I have been putting off Donovan’s weaning for so long. I mean, partly, I don’t know if he will be my last child or not, so I wanted to prolong this most precious of mother-child bonds, but also for purely selfish reasons. When I am pregnant and/or nursing, I feel the BEST I have ever felt in my life. Whatever hormones are released within me at those times have never been able to be duplicated by any medication. And around two months ago, when Donovan first started to self-wean and dropped his nursing time dramatically, I began to feel the effects almost immediately. In fact, I think that might be around the time I took my first “break” from here. Then Donovan got sick and needed “boo-boo” again to help him through, and I felt better again. So now we are once again serious about ending nursing, and the scales tip once again. And I have been putting off making an appointment to be put back on medication. And putting it off.
In fact, I haven’t even seen a counselor since I was pregnant. Maybe I was getting too close to being “better.” I am not sure I would know how to be myself if I felt better. I have spent so long, so many years, as long as I can remember, being this way, that to feel better might be to become a different person altogether. And if I don’t like THIS person, how in the world could I like a different person? Of course, that whole thing is probably ridiculous, but it is how my mind starts working when things get too close for comfort. Irrational thought. Self-destructive behavior. Avoidance. Anxiety. Ugh. Which, of course, are all classic reasons for medication. Someone call the doctor for me? OK, I’m kidding. Maybe.
But now I need to go, because earlier Donovan was sweet enough to throw up on my pants, and now he is looking at me like he thinks a third outfit might look good on me. After all, it’s only 9:30am.

Penned by: Tricia
7 Comments »

I haven’t felt like posting. Haven’t even felt like being online. In fact, I am seriously thinking about closing up this portion of my site. I don’t even have any idea why the fuck I started this whole weblog thing. To be like everyone else? To be in the “in” crowd? Like that is ever going to happen. I am no writer. I look back over my entries sometimes and I just want to puke. What self-effacing twaddle. I am really fooling myself if I think I have anything interesting to say. I am just another psychologically and emotionally abused woman who can’t tell her ass from the way out, so she continually puts her head back up her ass. And despite people trying to help me, I STILL choose to be here. CHOOSE. Because I can’t see any way out. Or I don’t want to? Maybe I LIKE being the victim, eliciting sympathy from every corner, only to be found out to be a fucking loser with no intention of accepting anyone’s good wishes or advice or suggestions? So why the hell SHOULD anyone care? Why should they care that Corey is out “playing pool” tonight, but happened to leave his pool stick in the fucking closet? Why should they care that I am unhappy, that my kids are being affected by this mess, that I can’t sleep at night anymore, that I want to die every fucking pathetic day of my life, but am too much of a damn coward to just do it? If my sons grow up to hate me for making them go through this, then I will fully deserve it. And still all I can do is sit here in my shit and be reminded every day of what an asshole I am. And I am delusional if I think anyone cares to hear about that. So, I think I will no longer subject you to boring pre-made memes found at every site, or little “woe-is-me” tirades of little worth and even less charm. The rest of my site will remain, and I will just concentrate on that. If I even feel like it.

Penned by: Tricia
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Monday Mission 2.14
1. When was the last time your computer crashed? What happened?
Hmmm….it’s probably been at least a year. It wasn’t too bad. I was using yet another fabulous Microsoft product (HAH!), and some things just…got erased. I had to reinstall my system software, then just to be on the safer side, I saved all the important stuff and reformatted my hard drive. Other than, that, this old dinosaur of a computer has been peachy keen to me.
2. Recommend a movie (new or old) for us to watch.
Well, I happened to catch Prince Valiant last night around 11:00pm (wow, this change in time is finally affecting me), and I thought it was great. You might, too.
3. When was the last time someone told you that you were attractive (and you actually believed them)?
When I was pregnant with Gregory, Michael used to tell me all the time that I was sexy and that I had the softest, most velvety skin he had ever felt. I believed him because he was always up under me, stroking my arm or face or nuzzling me, and he made me feel good. I miss that kind of stuff.
4. Do you like to sleep in or wake up with the chickens?
Well, I LIKE to sleep in. But I have kids. So, I have learned to live with the chickens.
5. Are you gay, straight or bi? Ever been tempted to go the other way?
I am definitely bi, although my main preference is men. I have been with a few women sexually, although never in a relationship, so I still consider myself to be “curious.”
6. What will be the next computer-related purchase you will make?
Hopefully, if everything goes the way I want it, it will be to buy a whole brand spanking new computer! Wish me luck, send me money.
7. What is your role when you are in relationships? A giver, a taker, or is it an equal balance?
I am almost always the giver. I am so totally affectionate. I am very touchy-feely, I can’t help myself. Thank goodness both of my kids are little cuddlebugs, otherwise I would probably drive them bananas. But as far as partners go, I rarely feel like I am getting enough. In my current relationship, I initiate almost everything, and a lot of times when I do bother to initiate anything anymore, I am rejected. I need a hug.
BONUS: Would I lie to you?
My trust issues are enormous right now. I assume everyone is lying about anything and everything, because HE does. So, I think you would probably lie to me, too. I am working on that.

Penned by: Tricia
3 Comments »

OK, this post is especially for Rasmus and the Peer2Peer Review Project. I am honored to bring you a review of Yuck.
Kristine is a 13-year-old girl with a towering NSync obsession and a blog. Be afraid.
I. Graphics.
The layout and graphics of this site were simple, clean, and very easy to navigate. The colors changed several times over the months, but I never had any trouble reading anything. The cute little title graphic changed often as well, seeming to reflect how Kristine feels about each month.
II. Writing.
Since Kristine is only 13, the blog was a little more on the juvenile side than I usually prefer, but she definitely seems to be an intelligent girl. Although liberally sprinkled with internet “What __ Are You?” tests and NSync fawnings, nevertheless this girl’s upbeat and bubbly personality manages to shine through. She always appears to be happy and/or excited about something, and it infects the reader, making you want to find out just what makes her tick. Although half the time I didn’t understand what she was talking about, because most of her posts seemed to be geared towards the friends she knows are reading her blog, I also think it can be attributed to that thing that happens when you become an adult and you lose touch with the latest slang, and you can’t stand little boy bands like NSync. I think it’s called “un-coolness.” Yeah.
So, while this blog doesn’t have enough non-NSync related business to keep me coming back for more, I have a feeling her friends love her.

Penned by: Tricia
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Ohhhhhh….THIS is SO beautiful.

Penned by: Tricia
2 Comments »

OK, I FINALLY finished my section of the Story-Go-Round! I am SO sorry it took me so long, but I felt I was being conspired against by mountains of dishes and laundry and a baby that refused to go to sleep before 11pm two nights in a row! LoL. But anyway, I hope no one is disappointed. =D
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Emory, Jonez and Mack ran out onto the deck, watching in sickened disbelief as the chopper descended almost gracefully towards the lake, hitting the water with curiously little splash. The still-turning blades blended the waves like a disembodied cuisinart, tossing up fans of droplets that glittered in the wan morning sunlight. They waited helplessly in dreadful anticipation for some sign of life. None of them were exactly sure what had gone so terribly wrong, although they had all gotten a vague sense of the telepathic cacophany that had put the Company men in such a frenzy. They had observed one of the men running at full tilt right out of the chopper, his hands covering his ears in a vain attempt to shut out the torturous noise.
However, all of the rebels were pretty good at putting two and three together. Emory had always known there was something special, something a bit different about his sister, and this made the Company’s interest in her more comprehensible. Mack licked his lips in anticipation of shooting the additional men he knew the Company would send because of this. Jonez was just glad to see that the little waif had finally gotten some spunk.
“Look!” cried Mack, pointing.
Their gazes pivoted to the crash site, and they spotted the head bobbing in the water. It turned to face them. It was Liana! A joyous cry burst forth from Emory’s throat before he could stop it, but it proved to be a bit premature. Suddenly her head disappeared back under the water, and they watched in horror as Ez surfaced, holding Liana under the water, drowning her. Emory jumped to action, turning to bark an order at Jonez, but she was gone. She emerged from the glass panel less than 15 seconds later, simultaneously zipping up her skin tight wetsuit and strapping on her custom-made German Mauser 86SR sniper rifle with the attached Nightforce NXS scoping device.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” shouted Emory.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I swear, you are getting just as flaky as HER,” snarled Jonez as she swung her long legs over the rail of the deck, then jumped onto the jet ski in the water below. She shifted the sniper rifle onto her back, revved up the engine, and sped off in a shower of spray, giving one last flippant look over her shoulder, her white teeth glinting.

Penned by: Tricia
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OK, I have been remiss in my posting this week. Truth is, I have just had a very hectic time all week. Seemed like everyone wanted me for something all the time, and by the time I had some time for myself, all I wanted to do was SLEEP. Now, I have a ton of stuff to do here. I have to write the next section of the Story-Go-Round, which I will hopefully have up by tomorrow. I wanted it up tonight, but I feel like crap right now, plus the baby is STILL up *boggle* so, ummmm, thinking is out of the question lol. I also have to write up a review for the Peer-2-Peer Review Project.
BUT, on an up note, YAYYY go me! I successfully installed my first PHP script!! I’ve been getting a bit discouraged at the lack of interest in my message forum, so I decided to take the plunge and experiment with this new thing by creating a NEW forum!! I am so excited, and I even managed to import the entire userlist from the old CGI board! I rock! LoL. OK, so maybe not, but it sure was a satisfying feeling to get it right the first time. I couldn’t keep the messages, they got imported all weird, but then again, there were only like….6 of them or something?? *smh* So, anyways, go check it out, tell me if it sucks or not, sign up, post a message, have fun! Just excuse the umm….”default”-yness of the graphics, lol. I haven’t had time to figure out what is entailed in changing it yet. All in due time it will be all purtied up. =D
I think I am off to bed, to dream about a kick-ass shaved head tattooed chick and what I can have her do next in the story. *grinz*

Penned by: Tricia
3 Comments »

First, the Friday Five.
1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day?
During the week, I get up around 6:30, as long as Donovan hasn’t gotten up before his usual 7:30 (I PRAY that he doesn’t wake up before then, because we are in the middle of weaning, and I swear, to him, the boobies are like coffee in the morning, he can’t do without them lmfao), shower and get dressed to be ready in time for Anthony to arrive at 7:15 am. Then I have to push Gregory to move and get dressed and ready for school, get Donovan his breakfast, entertain Anthony, get Donovan dressed, almost ALWAYS have to change Anthony’s diaper, pack the two diaper bags if we are going out for the morning, all by 8:20 am. On the weekends I sleep as long as Donovan will let me (usually 7:00 or 7:30).
2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed?
Finish the dishes if I didn’t before, pick up any remaining stray toys/papers from the floor, brush my teeth, take my vitamin, and usually watch some TV or read for about a half hour.
3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day?
Nothing new that I can think of right now.
4. What routine do you wish you get rid of?
Cleaning the cat litterbox. My cat is getting OLD (he is 10 and a half), and he is progressively getting messier and more careless in his litterbox habits. It is a lot harder for me to deal with him, too, with everyone else that needs taking care of in this house.
5. What’s the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don’t do it some point within your day?
Right now, probably read a book to Donovan, and do the “High Mucky-Muck Ritual Bedtime Chant” with Gregory. (LoL, dont ask hehehehe)

Penned by: Tricia
1 Comment »

Monday Mission 2.13
1. When was the last time you wanted someone to take you seriously but they just humored you?
Well, I think people are humoring me almost all the time, but I think that is because I have a tendency to complain about things, but then never do anything about them. So no one ever believes me when I say I am going to do something :/
2. If you were going to get a vanity license plate for your car, what would it say? (Or if you already have one, what does it say?)
I would love one that said LVCHOCL8. LoL
3. What was written in the sweetest love note you were ever given? What’s the story there?
I think I have mentioned this already before, but I will say it again. Gregory once wrote me a little “love” note that says, “Dear Mom, I love you so much that I feel like I am going to explode.” I don’t think even the best love letter could top that one for me. =D
4. What is your ethnic background?
I am Italian, Irish, and English.
5. What, if any, is your personal exercise routine?
I walk about a mile at least 3-4 times a week. It’s not nearly enough, I used to go down to the gym at least 3 times a week, but since Donovan has gotten bigger and more into things, I have stopped doing that, and it shows. :/ I am thinking of paying Gregory to keep him occupied while we are down there LoL.
6. Have you ever had any “one night stands?” How did that come about and how did you feel the next day?
Sadly, yes, I have had several. The only one I really felt bad about the next day (and it was more of an “oops” bad than a real “ashamed” bad – does that make me a slut? Nah, I was just young…but SAFE!) was when I was on Spring Break after graduating from high school, and a bunch of us went to Ocean City, and I was walking on the beach at around 3 in the morning, met this guy, and ended up going back to his place. I never even knew his name. Ooops.
7. What is your fondest Easter memory?
Being at my Grandparent’s house as a teenager and watching all of my younger cousins running around the yard screeching, laughing, and looking for Easter eggs.
BONUS: Who am I to disagree?
I hate to disagree with anyone. I tend to think they won’t like me anymore if I disagree with them. I know you think that is silly. I won’t disagree with you. *chuckle*

Penned by: Tricia
12 Comments »