Have any of you who have children ever looked at them and wondered just HOW the heck something as beautiful as them could come from someone as homely and flawed as yourself? Sure you have. ( at least while they are still little :LOL: ) And when other people “Oooh!” and “Aaah!” and compliment your child, it only heightens the surreal feeling that this can’t possibly really be your child, they MUST be some kind of faery changling.
I swear I ask myself that question every day. More so since I had Donovan. I mean, Gregory is a beautiful kid, but he is SUCH a “manly-man” kind of boy. Very rugged looking, cut face, muscular body (even at 9!), deep, husky voice. Donovan is…well… for lack of a better word… PRETTY. Truly, disgustingly, awe-inspiringly pretty. OK, like I said, I am prejudiced, obviously, but I just can never get over his face, and the fact that two people SO mis-matched and messed up could have created someone so utterly perfect I almost cry every time I look at him. Maybe that’s the reason I have gone on for SO long with this dead relationship. Because there HAS to be something good there if something so wonderful came out of it, right? Yeah, I know…NOT. I am learning that. Very slowly. I am extremely stubborn. Or maybe it’s just hard-headed.
So, anyway, I know all of you are just sick to death of cam pictures, but I got a few GREAT ones of the baby, and since the cam went back home with its owner yesterday, I HAD to share the last few pictures I took. There are more, of course, but these are the best. :nyah:
What a cutie pie
I’m the man!
Mom never knew my face could stretch like this!
My big brother is SO weird.
Chicken dance!

Penned by: Tricia
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We played around with the camera a little more in the light, and BOY, what a difference it made! I still need to take a few more of the baby, he was asleep when we did these, but I thought you guys might appreciate some of these pictures.
What are you looking at?
You know you want to look again
This one’s for you, C
Me and my big birthday boy
G-Rock
I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Mine is not so great. Boring. And lonely. Really, noticably lonely, especially with no phone (no, the phone has not been turned back on yet ). I was talking to Kari earlier, and as always she managed to keep me in check without making me feel like I am crazy or stupid. I asked her if I was feeling more lonely because someone is SUPPOSED to be here, and they aren’t, and would I feel any LESS lonely when I am gone from here, and there ISN’T supposed to be anyone with me? I was really thinking this might be true, but she said something that made me realize it was probably just wishful thinking. She said it just makes more sense that way so that it is easier for us to swallow. Logic always has a way of talking us out of feeling lonely, as if you don’t have a right to feel it even when you do.
I feel like it is even more extreme for me, because C was all I have had for years. I don’t have anyone else. And please don’t tell me I have my kids. I KNOW I have them, but they don’t keep me from feeling lonely at ALL, in fact, they make me feel MORE isolated at times, because I am not free to pick up and go out or meet some friends or even just take a walk by myself. And children are not companions. I can’t talk to them about world events in-depth, I can’t talk about vibrators or drinking or bars or make stupid “Jerry-Springerized” jokes. I do have certain people online that I can talk to about those and other interesting subjects, and I love them all dearly, but those times are few and far between and not face-to-face, which, when it comes right down to it, DOES make some difference.
I’m not saying I need a partner. Hell, that’s the LAST thing I want or need right now. But, I just feel that, so many people tell you that self-love is all you need, but have some of those people ever really TRULY been lonely, without ANYONE around them? Just how far can self-love go if there isn’t any outer validation whatsoever?
On a side note, I never did figure out the &*%# clickable smilies in the Individual Archive Index template thing. But, as a good friend pointed out, how many people actually make comments once the post scrolls off the screen? I might just take them out of those templates altogether. In fact, I don’t even really know why I keep the individual pages there, they just take up space.

Penned by: Tricia
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Please don’t mind me for a few, I am working on adding clickable smilies in the comments, and I can get them working fine in the pop-up comments template, but for some &*^$% reason, they won’t work in the Individual Archives Index templates. So, for now, when you view an Individual page, you can SEE the smilies, but they don’t do anything when you click on them. Arghhh! Any suggestions as to what I am doing wrong?

Penned by: Tricia
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OK, my friend was able to bring over the webcam tonight, so we played around a little bit. The lighting stinks, so I scrapped most of the pics until tomorrow when there is some sunlight, but a few of them came out pretty nice, especially some really cute ones of the kids.
Gregory and the cat
Gregory and Donovan being silly
Gregory and Donovan being cute
Me looking like I need to go to sleep

Penned by: Tricia
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Wow. My baby boy is 9 years old today. He had a pretty good day. It was Field Day for him at school. so he basically got to run around all day long, so he was in his element.
When he got home, we had a few kids over, and had cake and ice cream. I didn’t have money for much this year, but I think that was harder for ME than for him. He got a squirt gun, a “Creepy-Crawlies” kit, some jogging pants, and a few little toys that shoot foam things out. :LOL: What a bunch of boy stuff. Tomorrow we are going to get his Build-a-Bear that he has been wanting since we got one for Donovan. And he might be able to sucker me into a Gameboy game. But mostly, we are going to go downtown and play at the great park they have there, and go on the carousel, and just spend time together. I don’t have to watch any other kids for THREE whole days, so I am going to have fun with my kids and not think about ANYTHING.
A friend of mine let me borrow his digital camera, so I will be taking pictures tomorrow. I can’t wait to show off my babies. And I know that is SUCH a horridly blurry picture up there.

Penned by: Tricia
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Well, I talked to the management company today. Seems C went down there to talk to them yesterday, right at the last minute. Funny, since he was right downstairs yesterday, yet he has not set foot in this house since Tuesday afternoon. Whatever. At least, for now, things are not in a crisis situation regarding housing. But I am still leaving. Even if that means I have to deal with a shelter. I can NOT sit by and watch my kids be so confused and hurt. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fun, I am scared half out of my mind just talking or thinking about it, but I know I have to do this. For my kids. For myself. I am worried that Gregory will be going into a school system that is behind his level, because he is ahead of most of his class even in the awesome school system he is in, but I already talked to the social worker at his school, and she has said she will advocate to get him into “gifted” classes wherever we end up.
And speaking of my gifted, special boy, TOMORROW is his 9th birthday!! So (shameless hint) I kow he might enjoy getting a card or two. You can send them to me, and I will make sure he gets them.
But, anyway, I promised myself that, at least for Gregory’s birthday weekend, all the other crap is going on the back burner. So, here is a bit of fun. The first teaser for The Matrix Reloaded is out. (I am probably the last to know, though :LOL: ) That is the next movie I am truly looking forward to, besides The Two Towers.

Penned by: Tricia
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Rising shakily from the bed
Rubbing swollen, tired eyes
Pushing back hair stuck at awkward angles
Avoiding own reflection in the mirror
Ignoring empty side of the bed
Shuffling off to the shower
Struggling to feel alive
Hoping maybe upon emerging
It will all have been a dream
Trying to find clothes
That don’t have holes in them yet
Praying for just five more mintes
Before the kids awaken
Today was rather interesting. In addition to Donovan and the baby, I had a new little girl today that I began watching last week. The difference today was, I actually ventured out to playgroup with them all. The little girl’s mother was a saint and let me use her car so that I could get there and back. I loveth her. OK, it wasn’t horribly bad. Except the poor little girl is NOT used to playgroup. It was like stepping back in time to the beginning of the school year, when Donovan was that way. She followed me around, screaming instantly the second she couldn’t see me. I basically had to stay in one spot, or make sure she was right behind me, or she would lose it. Well, at the beginning of snacktime, I had a call of nature that would not be ignored. I THOUGHT I could sneak out real quick and be back before she noticed, since she was at the snack table with Donovan. Oh no. I could HEAR her screaming. Through two closed doors and down half a hallway. I finished up as quickly as I could, and flew back. Oh…dear. She had gotten herself SO upset and worked up that she had thrown up all over herself. I felt SO bad, but as soon as she saw me, and the ladies who were helping her clean up had let go of her, she was fine. Her mother hadn’t left any clothes for her, so luckily I had some of Donovan’s clothes, and they are pretty much the same size, so they worked well. *phew* After changing her, she went right back to being fine, as long as I was right there where she could see me of course. I learned my lesson, that’s for sure. If I ever take all of them there again, she is going with me if I get the call again. Just like I used to have to do with Donovan. *sigh*
So anyway, we leave there and go back to the house. Gee, more good news. We now have no telephone service. So, so far, the cable and the phone have been shut off, and the rent is not paid. Yes, everything is in his name. What next? Am I supposed to just HOPE that nothing happens to these kids, and I won’t need a phone? Sure, I could go over to H’s house, but her house is SO not child proof. Case in point, Donovan broke ANOTHER glass candle holder over there today. Grrrrrr. Thank goodness he wasn’t hurt, because I do NOT need that right now!
If the phone isn’t back on by the end of the week, I am going to have to get an account in my own name, just so I can have a phone until I can find a way to get out of here. I am still waiting for the lights to get shut off. I can feel it coming. If that man EVER dares to claim that he does ANYTHING to take care of this child, I will laugh in his pathetic face. I might not have had much money when I was single and by myself with Gregory, but I NEVER EVER had the lights OR the phone OR the heat shut off. Yes, I have been evicted before, I won’t deny it. But, let me tell you, I have handled my business, made deals, TALKED to the people involved, and never had to pay a dime of the money I owed for back rent, because it ended up being written off. If he would bother to make ANY kind of effort to talk to the people who want him to pay, he would not have ALL of us in this situation. And it sucks even more because now I am restricted on when and where I can make my OWN phone calls regarding what is going to happen to me and these kids.
Wheeeeee, a lot of my posts lately have been very angry. Sorry. Anger is a much safer emotion for me right now than some others. I would rather be angry at the situation than start blaming myself for everything that is happening, which is exactly where my mind wants to start going every time I start to let go of the anger a bit. And I do NOT want to go there. That is a dark, dark place.

Penned by: Tricia
5 Comments »

iVillage In-Depth IQ Test
Good grief! I happened upon another one of those “IQ” test links, so I took it just for the heck of it. Mind you, at the same time I took it, I had Donovan on my lap, I was singing to him, and the baby I care for was screaming (happily, he was playing, but he is LOUD heh).

Congratulations! Your general IQ score is 153.
A person whose IQ score falls in the range of 144-160 is considered to be “gifted”.

There MUST be a reason I keep taking these things and getting such crazy astronomical results. I know they aren’t professional tests. I certainly don’t FEEL that smart, especially with what is going on in my life. But maybe something is trying to tell me, “HEY, dumbass, look at that, you ARE smart, and you could be something if you could just figure out HOW.” You think?

Penned by: Tricia
4 Comments »

Wow, I went to click on the “Create New Entry” link in good old MT, and saw that this is my 100th post. This might not mean a lot to some of you more prolifically verbal people out there, but for me, this is a pretty big thing. I never thought I would still be at this for so long when I first started this “weblog” thing. Honestly, I really started this to be more a part of the “in” crowd, doing what everyone else was doing, and it felt shallow even to myself when I started. But I really have grown to love this new form of self-expression. It has kept me sane, kept me connected, kept me from falling off the edge.
I wish I had something a bit more compelling to talk about for this event, but as I was telling Kari earlier on the phone, it seems like the only thing I have been talking about lately is how crappy my life is, and how crappy I feel about it. People have enough problems without having to come here and read about mine. Especially when most of mine are my own fault.
I DO have opinions and things to say about things like current events and religion and even sports, but I feel like my skills in talking about these things have rusted over, because it has been so long since I actually talked about any of these things with anyone else. C refuses to discuss ANYTHING where there is any possibility of someone disagreeing with him, even if only in a friendly debate, and H just talks over top of me with her own opinion and I can’t even get mine in. And those are pretty much the people I have contact with. So, here is a question. How does one begin to get their communication and debating skills back after having them lie dormant for so many years? And who could I even practice on? I had hoped that people would come to my forums and maybe I could talk there, but so far they are pretty much dead. And I get so nervous about just going to another forum or to someone’s site and stating my opinion or offering feedback. I tried to do so recently and got blasted out of the water. Before, this would never bother me. Now, it causes me to retreat right back into my shell, and I have an even harder time pushing myself back out to try again each time it happens.
When did I become so anxious? I have always been the shy, retiring type, but I could at least go out there and do what I had to. Now, I would rather sit in the house and hide. I have done so much soul-searching lately, but I feel like I am not finding anything. Like, I have hidden “me” so well from myself and the world than I can’t even find myself. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I can do this. I wish it would all just go away. I try to gather strength from my kids, but sometimes I find myself almost resenting them. How nonsensical is that? They didn’t ASK to be here, they didn’t CHOOSE to be in this situation. I DID.
But pretty soon, it looks as though the decision will be taken out of my hands after all. C hasn’t paid the rent yet this month, and we received our eviction notice last week. He refuses to tell me what is going on, and he won’t take any money from me to help. He says “That’s not nearly enough.” Well, of course, I know that. But, gee, I thought I would offer, and maybe with what we have combined the rent could at least be paid. He is always putting me down because I don’t contribute to the rent, even though I pay for the food and for everything related to the kids. He isn’t interested. He doesn’t seem to comprehend or care that these children are in imminent danger of being tossed out into the streets because of HIM. He has essentially left us, in any case, seeing as how he doesn’t come home anymore except to shower and change every day or two.
So…what am I going to do? And what buttons do I have to push within myself to get me to stop taking this crap and just get up and do what I need to? I know no one has the answer. I just thought maybe typing it out for me to see for myself might help. We’ll see. :frazzled:

Penned by: Tricia
3 Comments »

Thank you everyone for making me feel better about my previous post. I DO deserve some “me” time, and I really need to learn how to say no more often. It’s a curse. :LOL:
Anyway, nothing much to say right now, I just had a few inane updates to share. I replaced one of my skins, the Blue Flora, because although I still ADORE the graphic, I was tired of trying to force it into a usable layout as it is. I still will be playing around with some things with it, but for now I just replaced it. Hope you like the new skin!
I have been published! The wonderfully sweet Brandy has published one of my poems in her awesome Sum and Substance ‘zine. I am so honored, thank you baby!
I think I have finished tweaking the sidebars on all the skins – for now. One note about the valid xhtml link, I know for a certainty that it works on all of the blog pages, and it should work on the entire site as well, but I haven’t had a chance to do a whole site sweep to validate every page individually (eww). So, if you happen to be in a geekified mood, and come across a page that by chance doesn’t validate, just let me know, ok? :kissy:

Penned by: Tricia
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