*sigh* It is really hard to write this right now. This will probably be my last post for quite some time. The children and I are moving, maybe tomorrow, definitely by Friday. And the place we are going for the next few months will not have any type of internet access, and I have no idea if there is a library within walking distance. So, I will bid you all adieu, until we meet again. If I was unable to personally say goodbye to any of you, I sincerely apologize. I will miss ALL of you SO much, and I hope that now and again you stop by and leave me a little note or something, so that when I get a chance to get my e-mail, I will be able to smile a bit. If any of you have my attbi address, I will be deleting that one, but my MM.net address will still be valid, or you can also reach me here, but since I cannot guarantee that I will be able to check my mail at all for a month or so, if you use the hotmail one, please forgive me if I do not receive your message. I love you guys, and I will be back when I can. :kissy:
So, all that sad crap said, on with the next deadly sin. I hope I remember which one is next the next time I can post.

Anger

Right now I am angry. So angry that there are times I wish I was allowed the freedom to punch a hole through the wall. Beat my head against it. Punch someone ELSE in the face. HARD. And I am afraid of that anger. Because I don’t feel as though I have any place to put it. And I think that might be the key. Anger is a healthy emotion, but it needs to have an outlet. It needs to be released somehow. And if it is released regularly in a proper way, such as by boxing or lifting weights or other physical activity, or by creativity, or by talking it out, then it never reaches such a toxic level as to get us into trouble. We never need to reach that level where we are capable of hurting ourselves or someone else just to get some release from these feelings.
People today are at highly toxic levels of anger. Ever-increasing numbers of tales of road rage, school shootings, hate crimes, domestic violence, child abuse, and other senseless acts of horror are very telling symptoms of this. We live in a rush-rush no-time-for-you kind of society, where we seem to almost be encouraged to forget about our neighbors, to disregard them because they are probably out to get us too. And the government’s response of adding more and more laws is in no way curbing the flow, in fact, it is only creating more anger as people chafe under the rope of their lost freedoms.
I really don’t have any answers for this disheartening trend. Hell, I can’t even stem my own anger right now. Anger is frightening. Anger can feel overpowering. Letting your anger out in unhealthy ways can feel powerful…for a moment. Almost like a drug. You need to feel that power more and more in order for it to give you the same satisfaction. And in the meantime, people around you suffer because of it. I think it just really takes each person taking responsibility for themselves. And we can only start the process one person at a time. Stop letting television raise our kids. Talk to each other. Stop holding everything in. You don’t have to be all big and bad and proud. Be angry. Embrace it. And then let it go. Because life is way too short to walk through it in a red-tinged haze. I’d rather wear my rose-tinted glasses.

Penned by: Tricia | 17 Comments »

Lust

When I first thought of writing this post, I figured I should just write a long kinky sexual fantasy. Then I woke up from my dream. (OK, stop the sighing in disappointment, I know who you are! :LOL: )
I can totally see where this emotion could get people into trouble. Just look around you at society today. Sex shoved under our noses wherever we look. Music videos, movies, television, the internet, billboards. Women and children being sexualized and/or exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Heck, the other day we were at the grocery store standing in line to check out and Gregory turns to me and asks “Mom, what are sexual positions?” Holy COW, one of the magazines in the very prominent display (I cannot even recall which one) had an article on what are the best sexual positions boldly typed right on the cover. Is it any wonder some people get obsessed with sex, turning a beautiful, special act into a tawdry, voyeuristic “thing?” Believe me, I am not just talking out of the left side of my mouth. I have first-hand experience of a pornography/sex addict. And it is NOT pretty.
Now, don’t get it twisted. I’m not talking about people that use pornography, movies, toys, or anything else as part of their normal, healthy sex life, or people that happen to have sex a lot. (even if they may only be having it with themselves ) I am talking about being so obsessed that you are not even able to have sex with the person you are with. Or you can only have real sex by thinking of pictures or movies you have seen. Or you are no longer be able to be a functioning member of society. Or you cannot wait to be alone so you can look at something more. Or you start a collection of things that begins numbering in the hundreds of gigabytes or video cassettes. Or you start spending so much money on strip clubs or prostitutes or pornography that your own living situation and finances are jeopardized. When does it end? When you have nothing left? When is enough enough? When do you hurt yourself and others enough to say “no more?” I wish I knew. But, in the context of the “sin,” I feel like if lust was considered something not good for you thousands of years ago, how much worse is it today when you can barely open your eyes in the morning without being accosted with a sexual message. And it is almost like society is enabling people who might never have thought of doing anything remotely related to easily become instant connoisseurs of child pornography, voyeurism, or any other type of distasteful sexual deviance that is available today.
Now, before y’all take me for some kind of ridiculously uptight prude, I guess it’s time for me to enter my own realm of this sin. While I think having children and being in a committed relationship definitely gives you a different outlook on things, it doesn’t make you dead. :LOL: That being said, it has been a long time since I have actually felt lust. Desire, certainly, even longing. But not that earthy type of “I-want-you-now-come-here-so-I-can-rip-off-your-clothes-get-inside-me-NOW” type of lust. (*whew*) Although things between C and I were dying a slow death for several years, somehow our sexual relationship was always fantastic. At least, for me it was. It has really only been in the past six months or so that things have really been falling apart. Whatever trials he feels he is going through, whatever dark road he is travelling down, it does not and can not include me. So…I am not sure if I recall when I began feeling needy. Lustful. But it is certainly an interesting thing to be feeling again. I know I am not able to act upon anything right now until my personal situation is more stable, and honestly, now that I am older and I have more responsibilites, I am pretty sure I could never act upon lust as I did when I was younger. I see the consequences much more clearly. And I am much more mindful of the examples I am setting. But one thing I do know about myself, is that I could never allow an emotion such as this to take over my life, to make me forget that other things are so much more important to me. As much as I love sex, I honestly would rather go to my grave never having it again than to allow it to ruin everything I have worked for and everyone I love.

Penned by: Tricia | 12 Comments »

Gluttony

I am still scratching my head trying to figure out just WHY this particular bad habit is considered a “sin.” The nearest I can come to an answer is that this is one of the most obvious ways to see that people are not taking care of themselves. Not taking care of the gift they have been given of a body, a mind, and a life. And since the result of habitual overeating is almost inevitably becoming overweight, this is a fairly obvious physical clue that something may be wrong, whereas things may not always be so clear when dealing with other physical or mental problems. And since this was deemed bad enough to be one of the Seven Deadly Sins, obviously overweight persons have been dealt with harshly for thousands of years, with the excuse that we have been told it is a sin, and therefore must automatically be bad.
But I really won’t go into the semantics of the actual sin here. Obviously I do not hold similar beliefs to the system that created these sins, so I will just take it at face value here and go forward from there.
I suppose I am certainly guilty of this sin. I freely admit that I am overweight. I don’t like it. I do the best I can. I lose and gain the same 25-30 pounds over and over again. Since I don’t smoke, and I don’t drink, and I don’t do drugs, when I get stressed out, I eat. It’s definitely a learned behavior. I have tried many times over the years to change my habits, to do other things when I am stressed. I do go to the gym, I walk, especially with the stroller, I eat a lot of salad, I drink a lot of water, I slip up every so often like everyone. I do really well for a little while, then BAM! another stressor appears and I head right back to the old habits. Of course, I think that in most instances, overeating and emotional problems/stress go hand in hand. I have a lot of work to do on my MIND before I can truly conquer the problems of the stomach. But maybe acknowledging the problems is the first step to vanquishing them. And until such time as I am able to get a better handle on those problems, I would rather have an eating problem than a drug problem. :LOL:

Penned by: Tricia | 4 Comments »

Just a quick break for an unrelated post before the next deadly sin arrives. Gee, one internet scandal ends only for another to begin. While I was lucky enough to not even know about the first one, seems I happen to be right in the middle of this one. But I am not even bringing it here. This is MY site. Here is where all things relating to the issue reside, and there they will stay. I’ll just say this. Girl, I was ready to act in the nice role, and allow you to play out whatever game you thought you were trying to play, because the honest truth is you never personally hurt me. You never meant that much to me. But seems other people had different ideas, people I care deeply for that you truly hurt, truly screwed over, so things are playing out a bit differently than I envisioned. Just remember, though, you brought this on yourself. Playing the victim won’t get you out of it this time.

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

Envy

A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

Oh. Envy. This is a hard one. The first thing that came to my mind when I thought about this was that I am envious of anyone and everyone that is NOT me. Is it any wonder that I felt for a while like I really had nowhere else to go with this post? Right now, for me, everyone and everything is better than me, and I can’t seem to find my way past that yet.
Envy is an interesting emotion. There is a point where envy fuels you to change yourself or what you are doing, but if you envy too much….it freezes you. When you envy someone or something too much, you begin to despise yourself. And envy separates you from the person you are envying too. Like a big huge road block. I know about this only too well. You want to be around this person, but you are so envious of whatever that you begin to avoid being around them. And eventually, there goes the friendship, and often the other person really has no idea why. And how the heck would you admit something so seemingly trite and petty, no matter how strong the feeling seems to you?
As I said, I have tons of envy right now. I sit here for HOURS racking my brains trying to figure out how in the wide blue hell people do what they do…HOW they manage it, WHERE they come up with the “whatever it is” to do it. And how the hell I missed that train. And where do I stand to catch the next one. And sometimes I hate them for having what I don’t feel like I have. Funny thing that. Like a good friend said, soon enough, envy and hate go hand in hand.
I am envious of the fact that Donovan has decided that the way he is going to handle all this stress is to have fall-down kick-ass 20-minute tantrums three or four times a day, no matter where we are or what we are doing. And the fact that he CAN. And the fact that I can’t join him, I just have to sit there and have everyone stare at me like I am the bad guy…while I am getting a headache, and playing referee so he doesn’t scratch the hell out of his face like he has been doing lately just because he is mad. I am envious of the fact that those people in the rental office who so blatantly insist that I will be held responsible for the unpaid rent in this apartment even though they know I have never been the one paying the rent and they know I don’t even have a job right now and they know that C has left and none of the bills have been paid in months will go happily home in their big fancy cars and not have a nightmare about becoming one of those bag ladies that picks their way through the garbage dumps in the apartment complex. I am envious of that couple walking by holding hands that paused just to smile into each other’s eyes. I am envious of people that can create awesome graphics at the drop of a hat.
My envy has frozen me. And until now, I feel like I have been trying to unthaw myself with a lighter. If only I had directions to the bonfire. No one told me I had to draw my own map.
Oh, and I guess I wasn’t really clear in my first post about this. I do NOT believe that ANY of these “sins” I am writing about are actually sins, or bad things, or things that we should never feel or never do. I think they are just a part of human nature, but that, like most things, if they are done to great excesses, this is where things can get questionable in regards to how they affect us and our personalites and our behaviors. And I only grouped them together here as the “Seven Deadly Sins” because I believe that most people are familiar with the term, and it made it easier to explain where I was going with this whole group of posts.

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

I’ve decided to do something a little different over the next week or so. I have a lot of personal garbage going on, some very scary stuff, some very sad stuff, some very not-so-nice stuff. It has become so hard to deal with this on the real life level that I just don’t feel it will do me any good to bring those things here. I may only have a very limited time left to be online before I will be forced to take an extended break, and I don’t want some of my last moments to be tarnished by needless junk.
So I came up with something that will probably end up being an interesting exercise in character. I am hoping to make this as honest and open as possible, even if I don’t like what the results are. Although I am no longer Catholic or even Christian, as should be pretty obvious by this site, there are many things from that faith that are worthy of contemplation and study. One of these things is the Seven Deadly Sins. While I view them in a completely different light, I still feel that all of these “vices” are things that we humans do that, done in excess, have very little moral or ethical value.
I decided to explore each one of these “sins” as they pertain to myself, and explore where I may display these vices within my life, either in the past or presently, and just kind of take it from there. I may look into how I can change some things, how I feel about a particular vice, or why it is that I have have acted upon a particular vice more or less at certain points in my life.

Pride

I feel that pride doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It depends on how far you decide to take it. You can take pride in your grades, your appearance, your children, your accomplishments. And you should. But if you start crossing the line of being proud of yourself to actually believing that the things you are so proud of make you somehow better or more worthy than ANYONE else…then you are guilty of the “sin” of pride.
That being said, I have never been much of a prideful person. Not because I am humble, but mostly because I am too busy putting myself down to be proud of anything that I do or have done. That is something I am NOT proud of, and I have been working for a long time to change it, and although the going is very slow, I think I may be alright.
But of course I have slipped into pride at times. It almost surprises me when it happens, because it seems to creep up on me. Is it like that for everyone? Is that how people end up getting in so much trouble over pride? It seems like a natural progression, and therefore can’t be wrong? Take the web, for instance. I am guilty of numerous deadly sins on the internet, and pride is just one of them. When I open my mailbox and see those MT comments, I can sometimes feel my head swelling. Especially if it happens to be a comment from a new person or someone I view as “important” in net society, or someone I have a lot of respect for. And don’t even get me started on how often I check my stats. How silly is that? I stop myself pretty quickly by saying things just like that, and I always remind myself that being popular online really isn’t important to me in the long run, but the fact remains that the thought comes to me in the first place, and there are some days when the thought is harder to push back than others.
I have some good kinds of pride, as well. I am proud of my kids. They are good kids. Smart. Sweet. Polite. Good-natured. Fiesty. Snuggable. All of that had to get some help from SOMEWHERE to develop. And since I am the only one here, it must be me, right? Sometimes I am even proud of myself for raising them so well despite all the crap I have been through and am going through.
I think pride has more to do with an insecurity within yourself, a need to look outside yourself for approval, and sometimes the more you get it, the more you need it, until it is some weird kind of drug, and it affects your mind in all kinds of ways, until you cannot function without it. Maybe that’s why I try to squash it before it can even get a hold. I don’t want to be that kind of arrogant, hateful person. Ever.

Penned by: Tricia | 4 Comments »

Objectives: to work in a friendly, loving and gentle environment that gives ample opportunity to breathe, and to grow, and to be able to fulfill my full potential.
Professional Experience:
(February 1997 – present) Corey Enterprises
Job Title: Insignificant Other
Duties:
- Loving unconditionally
- Maintaining acceptable level of buoyancy while being pushed down
- Expanding to incorporate additional family member
- Fulfilling all expected duties without complaint
Reason for Leaving: Extreme job disatisfaction and disillusionment, mostly pertaining to having to perform many duties not on my job description, and repeatedly getting unsatisfactory reviews despite putting forth best effort.
(October 1995 – September 1996) Ray Industries
Job Title: Loved One
Duties:
- Loving unconditionally
- Responsible for accepting many other people into the fold in direct relation to employer
- Learning how to laugh at myself
- Expected only to be myself
Reason for Leaving: Let go for failing to perform all job duties as expected.
(January 1993 – October 1994) Michael Productions
Job Title: Chick on The Side
Duties:
- Staying on the down-low emotionally, or never becoming too attached outwardly
- Delving into my inner recesses to reveal the real me
- Encouraged to become a stronger person
Reason for Leaving: Decided a career change was in order, and worked freelance for a while instead.
(July 1991 – January 1993) The Trevor Corporation
Job Title: Baby Girl
Duties:
- Loving as much as would be accepted
- Being understanding of a mercurial personality
- Being flexible with a wandering spirit
- Discovering the joys and pangs of first love
- Expanding to accept additional family member
Reason for Leaving: A better position opened up elsewhere after job satisfaction began dropping off precipitously due to several suspicious incidents within the job setting.
Education:
Roland’s Technical School for the Unlearned and Willing: Attended November 1988 – August 1989; Graduated with Honors
Major Accomplishments:
- Survived sexual abuse
- Persevered through homelessness and single parenting
- Survived and rose above learning that the term family does not guarantee that you will be treated with respect or love
- Learned from mistakes
- Discovered that unconditional love does NOT mean unconditional acceptance of behavior
Weaknesses:
- Stubborn
- Malleable
- Overly-sensitive
- Sometimes TOO open and forgiving
- Tends to withdraw at first indication of pain
Strengths:
- Caring
- Giving
- Loyal
- Loving
- Forgiving
- Gentle
- Open
- Willing to try again and again

Penned by: Tricia | 19 Comments »