Wow, I have been so busy I forgot when the last time I posted here was. Thank you SO much everyone who complimented my precious lil babies. Now, if only one of you would volunteer to take them off my hands for a few days…:LOL:
Busy with what, you ask? Well, nothing that would be PRODUCTIVE for me to be busy with. Messing around with graphics, planning on getting rid of most of my skins and starting over. Or not. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the task long enough to actually get it DONE, but I have wasted many a pleasant hour doing so. Busy attempting to get back into the groove of being a “decent” mother. Meaning, going for walks, reading books, playing with play-doh and blocks and action figures and doing arts and crafts. I think my medication may just be leveling off a bit finally, because, although I am still quite exhausted, I am not falling asleep at the drop of a hat anymore, and doing some of the above activites doesn’t seem quite so taxing. I am still struggling a lot with the depression and anxiety, but I will give this medication a bit more time, I think.
I think it is especially difficult for me since this is really the first holiday season I have ever been COMPLETELY alone. No family, no partner, not too many friends, or at least none really close by. I feel angry, guilty, alone. Not exactly in keeping with the holiday spirit. I kind of wish the holidays would just creep by like a wraith in the night, barely noticable among the day-to-day monotony. But, alas, people in my neighborhood insist on having their lights on their houses already, and toy commercials on the television are out of control, and it’s not even Thanksgiving. It’s heartbreaking to hear Donovan watching those cool commercials and pointing and saying in his husky little baby voice, “I want that me! Wook(look)! Oh cool!” and knowing that I will be lucky if I can afford to buy him more than ONE thing this year. :huh: It’s probably even worse when Gregory says, “I really want that, Mom, but it’s OK if you don’t have the money to get it this year.”
I know I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty, but I guess you just can’t help your feelings. I want my kids to have everything, and so far I really haven’t given them anything. And I don’t necessarily mean material things, but that’s a part of it. And my brain just swims and races and ducks and dodges every time I try to sit and think about where I am going in this life, and what I am reaching for, and what I am planning for these boys. And I am so sick of feeling this way, but at the same time, it is familiar. Comfortable. And how does one begin an entire new way of thinking? Where is the starting point? I need a good witch Glinda to show me the beginning of my own personal yellow brick road. But we all know that life is not a big screen movie, but somehow, some way, we bumbling humans seem to continue to make it again and again. So therein lies the answer. At least, I hope so.

Penned by: Tricia | 8 Comments »

So I finally got the pictures from Donovan’s second birthday developed. I am so proud of myself, it only took me three months! Enjoy and gawk, but don’t take, please.

B-day Boy!	I’m Cool	Awww!
Candy!	Mm, Cake!	Party Animals
The Pinata	The Cake	Seriously!

Penned by: Tricia | 16 Comments »

I saw this over at Tasha’s site, and I just had to do it too. I’m such a follower. :nyah:
I WANT: A stable home, a good job, and for my boys to be happy.
I REGRET: Not finishing college, and not leaving C sooner.
I WISH: I could learn how to be content with myself one day.
I LOVE: My kids, one man, designing web pages, and learning.
I HATE: Myself sometimes.
I MISS: Living near the ocean.
I SEE: Yu-Gi-Oh! ( OK, so I have a penchant for late night Cartoon Network, sue me :LOL: )
I HEAR: India Arie. Yeah…still.
I SEARCH: For the meaning of life.
I WONDER: If I will be all right.
I KNOW: That I have to allow that to happen.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU…
SMILED? Earlier tonight when the kids were pretending to be firemen and “hosing” down the couch with cardboard paper towel tube hoses.
DANCED? At J’s wedding. About a year ago, I think.
GOT HAMMERED? Not since college. I am a BAD BAD drunk. I cry. Enough said.
KISSED SOMEONE? Last Saturday. :sigh: I miss you.
HUGGED SOMEONE? Tonight when I put the boys to bed.
HAD A NIGHTMARE? About a month ago.
LAST THING YOU READ: Warlock by Wilbur Smith
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN: Spy Kids 2 (VERY soon to change to Harry Potter 2….seeing it Thursday yay!)
LAST PHONE NUMBER YOU CALLED: Craig’s
LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED ON TV: Yu-Gi-Oh!
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: Some song by Sunshine Anderson…the name of it escapes me right now.
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Fruit Punch Gatorade
LAST THING YOU ATE: An english muffin pizza specially made by Gregory.
DO YOU…
SMOKE? No way!
SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? No
HAVE A CRUSH? :sigh: Yes
HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? No
HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? Not that I can remember.
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? I could never forget.
STILL LOVE HIM/HER? Sadly, yes.
READ THE NEWSPAPER? Occasionally
HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? Yes
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? Not really
BELIEVE IT’S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? For myself? Absolutely. For most men? I’m not so sure anymore.
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS? Yes
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? Not particularly. Well, maybe wine coolers.
BELIEVE IN GOD? No
HAVE ANY SECRETS? Yes
HAVE ANY PETS? Not anymore. I miss my Morgan-kitty. :huh:
GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY? I have been, but not finished, and I hope to go back some day.
HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? Yes. Five in my right ear, three in my left ear, and one in my nose.
HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Yes, one tattoo, of two dolphins encircling a yin-yang symbol on my left calf.
HATE YOURSELF? Sometimes.
HAVE A BEST FRIEND? I am lucky. I now have two.
HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? Yes. I eat when I get anxious, and lately an old habit that I had stopped has been resurfacing, I have been biting my nails.
CARE ABOUT LOOKS? Somewhat
TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Not at all. I have been burned many many times. It takes a lot of work and time for me to trust someone new.
LIKE SARCASM? Are you kidding? Who me?
TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN? If it’s warm enough.
KISS WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED? Always *mmm*
SING IN THE SHOWER? Yes. Mostly broadway show tunes. (wow, that’s embarrassing)
HAVE ANY SCARS? Not any horrible ones, mostly just your run of the mill falling off my bike scars.

Penned by: Tricia | 1 Comment »

I guess it’s been a while since I wrote here about what’s going on with me. Probably because it’s all so boring, embarrassing, and drepressing.
Let’s see. I am working on a POTENTIAL job lead (*crosses fingers*), but I’m not going to jinx it by telling you all yet.
Other than that, there’s not much good going on. I didn’t get into the nursing program I applied for. Which I guess is probably fine anyway, because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t get financial aid in any case. I am TRYING to take it in stride, but I kind of feel…like a loser. Like if I can’t even get into a COMMUNITY COLLEGE nursing program, then what am I EVER going to be able to do with my life? Seems like nothing much lately. I feel…restless, agitated, irritated. My medication was changed because the other one wasn’t working well at all, which I am sure is exacerbating these symptoms until I get used to it, but it is also making me so exhausted and weary that I can barely function. I am afraid to sit on the couch because I am guaranteed to fall asleep within minutes, no matter what time I woke up or how much sleep I got. I don’t want to do anything. I hardly even want to sit here at this keyboard.
Which brings me to my novel. :ha: That’s a laugh. I am at 2,100 words. I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I won’t ever make it to 50,000, but I guess I AM still having fun, and I do still have a story to write. *shrug* I will have to learn to just do what I can, and stop stressing over trying to stretch myself too thin.
Gee, I’m in a good mood today :huh:. Because, of course, the last thing is, as some of you MAY have noticed, my site got hacked today. Luckily for me, they didn’t change anything but the front page. My files were untouched. Seems they were just letting us know they CAN do it if they want to. I have to keep the front page the way it is for a day or two until my administrator figures out how they got in. *sigh* Sorry about the lovely language they left there.
Anyway, my computer is fussing at me again. I had to reinstall all my system software for the second time in less than two months. Thankfully, I now have $181 towards a new computer! I will be setting up a thank you page for those that are donating very soon. And anyone else that has an extra few bucks to spare, I would greatly appreciate it. :kissy:

Penned by: Tricia | 3 Comments »

Standing with my back against the wall
The feelings hammer into my brain
My heart has broken into a million pieces
My brain sinks slowly into
Despair
I can feel my back sliding downwards
In a detached otherworldly kind of way
The body moving hardly seems like mine
This pitiful lump curled into a ball
On the bathroom floor
The tears come unbidden
Carving rivers of
Despair
No way out
No way forward
Nowhere for this life to go
Nothing left but
Despair

Penned by: Tricia | Comments Off

There you are before me
Caramel skin glistening
Supple and soft
Muscles bunching beneath
Liquid brown eyes fathomless
Gazing into mine
Long graceful fingers
Stroking down my arm
Sending shivers
Sweet succulent lips
Capturing mine in a feverish dance
I place my hands
Behind your smooth bald head
Press my breasts
Against your broad chest
Mold my thighs
Against yours
Feel my heart
Beat madly with
Desire
Your hand reaches down
Seeking
Finding the moist recesses
Of my very being
I moan against your lips
And you smile
I melt against you
Whispering your name
We sink to the bed
Caught in a desperate embrace
I clutch the sheets helplessly
Powerless to stop the
Desire
I taste myself on your tongue
I rise above you
Hair trailing down your stomach
As your muscles tense
And I hear you groan
And my knees grow weak
We join together
In an ancient rythym
Lips entwined
Reaching
Finding
Utter satisfaction
Even though you’ve gone for now
Your taste still lingers
On my lips
Your scent remains
On my sheets
Your essence still
Holds my soul captive
Until the next time
We’re overtaken by
Desire

Penned by: Tricia | 6 Comments »

Well, things are a BIT better on the novel front, I am at about 1200 words now, but I am still lagging far behind. When Donovan takes his nap today, I plan on buckling down for a good hour of typing. I haven’t really had any plans to post my novel anywhere on here, but if people are dying for me to, maybe I’ll consider it. But it’s not all that. You can view excerpts of it over at Nanowrimo.org, just click on “Authors & Novels” and search by my name.
The worst thing about the combination of Nanowrimo AND having a slow computer with a recent penchant for crashing and burning is that I feel like I am neglecting all my good friends and favorite daily reads, which is so not my intention. I have even considered going over to the library to access a faster computer just so I can make my rounds. I feel disconnected (there’s that word again) from everyone on here, and I don’t talk to a lot of the same people as I did before I left. I know things change, and people move on to other things, but I have a really really hard time with change.
It’s bad enough that my entire life has changed, my home, my income, my support system, my independence, my parenting status, my relationship status among many many other things. Now things here have changed a bit, and I guess maybe its been a bit more than I can handle all at once, so I have been avoiding, as usual. Just letting the days slip by, feeling bad about not clicking those links, but feeling relieved in another way that I don’t have to be responsible for reaching out to anyone. I don’t have to “put myself out there” where maybe someone won’t bother to respond to something I said, or they will just ignore the fact that I visit their site all the time, or they just won’t care. Of course, I know *I* shouldn’t care about all that, but I just can’t help it. Right now, I do care. But I really want to keep trying.

Penned by: Tricia | 9 Comments »

Blessed Samhain to one and all, and Happy Halloween. Yeah, I am late, so what? Last night I gave myself a ritual bath for the first time in a long long time, and meditated for a while. I had planned on doing a re-dedication, but the timing didn’t feel quite right to me, so I settled for the meditation while I tentatively reach out my hand to the gods once more after a long time of turning away.
I am also late wishing my Lexa-girl a Happy Birthday!!! So head on over there and harrass wish her a good one! :LOL:
This starts today. Oh, the horror. I have written 36 words. :what: Hopefully having no money this weekend will force me to sit my butt here with a few pots of coffee and start producing unmitigated amounts of crap.

Penned by: Tricia | 4 Comments »