Wow….I just realized I never came back and posted like I said I was going to. (Sorry Lloyd!) I don’t think I ever really appreciated the amount of extra time I have when one of the kids is in school all day.
Anyway, she and I had a discussion the other day about children’s books, and which ones we felt were the most fondly remembered from our own childhood. It kind of turned into a “Top Ten Books That Should Be Read To Every Child” kind of thing. So I decided to post what we came up with here, and see how many people more or less agree. There were a lot more books I could think of, but these seemed to me to be the most important, memorable and/or enjoyable.
10. The Carrot Seed
What a great book to begin teaching the skills of patience, faith, hope and perseverance in the face of adversity. A little boy plants a carrot seed, and despite EVERYONE telling him it will never come up, the little boy continues to water and weed and care for his seed, until one day….he gets his carrot!
9. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Have you ever had “one of those days?” This is what happens to poor Alexander, and it seems like he is going to let his bad day get the best of him. Kids can learn along with Alexander that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
8. Where the Wild Things Are
The classic tale of the power of imagination, in which a little boy who has been punished sets out to find a place where he can truly belong, and winds up finding that sometimes the best place to be…is right where you are.
7. Goodnight Moon
This is one of the simplest of books, but by that very nature it becomes one of the best. This is an easy one to be one of the very first reads, and by the time they are old enough to ask, this will be a book your child returns to again and again. The comforting messages and warmly-colored illustrations remain ingrained in memory for a lifetime.
6. I’ll Love You Forever
Is this not the sweetest book? Kids sometimes forget that even as they get bigger, their parents still love them the same, and still sneak in while they are sleeping to get those special cuddles. This book will help them remember that no matter how big they get, they will always be our babies, and they will also learn that they have the power to give back that same kind of unconditional love.
5. Where the Sidewalk Ends
A brilliant way to introduce your child to poetry, rythym and rhyme. Hilarious, touching, shocking, and sometimes sweet poems, accompanied by the author’s own adorable illustrations, this book is sure to be a favorite forever. My kids have the CD version of this book as well, and they love to listen to it before they go to bed (although those nights are often punctuated by a LOT of giggling )
4. Corduroy
It doesn’t matter what flaws we posess. We are ALL worthy of love, and who we really are resides on the INSIDE, not in outward appearances. This is what Corduroy learns after a little girl is determined to buy him, not caring that one of his buttons is missing.
3. Green Eggs and Ham
Help teach your kids that it’s OK to try something new, even if it seems yucky. Try it, you might like it! This can apply to things to eat (and I try to read this book a LOT, because I swear Donovan could live on french fries and cereal lol) or to new experiences in general.
2. The Monster at the End of This Book
Well, not EVERY book has to have a valuable lesson, right? :LOL: This is perhaps one of the most fun books I read with my kids. I get really into it, and dramatically act out all of the pages until the “monster” is reached. Even my 9-year-old asks me to read this one again.
1. Amazing Grace
I chose this one as my number one book because I feel it sensitively and intuitively teaches one of life’s most valuable lessons; that no matter WHAT we look like, no matter WHO we are, no matter WHAT anyone else tells us we can or can’t or should or shouldn’t do…the fact is, if want to do it, we CAN. Grace has an avid imagination, and she loves to pretend to be all sorts of characters. But when she wants to be Peter Pan in the school play, she is told she can’t just becuase she is black and she is a girl. Well, with her mother’s and grandmother’s guidance, Grace learns that she CAN be Peter Pan, if that’s what she wants. And she was a wonderful one!
What are some of YOUR favorite childhood books?

Penned by: Tricia
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I hope everyone had a fabulous Xmas, and will be having an even more wonderful New Year. Our Xmas went pretty well. It was the first one in my entire life that I didn’t have any friends, family, or significant other to spend it with, but all in all, it definitely could have been worse. The kids ended up making out very well thanks to the place where I was taking my parenting classes. They were SO sweet and hooked the kids up with a lot of stuff. It sucks to be needy at such an important time, but I feel like if one day I can give back as much as I have been given, it will have been worth the struggle.
It snowed nearly two feet here on Xmas day. I mean, a white Xmas is fine and dandy, but come on! :LOL: That is carrying things just a bit too far, don’t you think? It was incredibly beautiful to watch coming down, though. Like being in the middle of a Hallmark greeting card or something.
Anyway, this really seems to be some kind of rambling going-nowhere post. Oh well. I really just wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing, tell you all how I was doing. I’ll be back later after I finish thinking about something else I would like to say.

Penned by: Tricia
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Just when you thought it was all over… :LOL:
I realized I must have had a lot more swimming through my thoughts yesterday than I had previously believed, because after posting yesterday, I continued to think on the matter, and discovered many more points that I wish I could have made, and a few other points that just refused to remain where they lay, so I decided I had to make a second post to try and make sense of everything I was thinking.
In the previous post, I mentioned how perhaps we had evolved in such a way that we NEEDED someone else to survive, no matter what the cost to ourselves or others around us. I am talking in particular about a partner here, rather than other family members or friends. Because it just seems like EVERYONE wants to have SOMEONE. And this is precisely where so many of us get ourselves into trouble.
Some people seem to spend their whole lives searching for that ONE special person, the one that can change their whole lives, the one that can make everything right. That elusive “soulmate” that makes us whole, completes our cipher, the one all the love songs croon about. Some of us search our ENTIRE LIVES…without ever finding that person. Wasting a lifetime thinking that we are the ones at fault, that we are unloveable. Years spent feeling alone, without ever realizing that we had our soulmate right with us all the time. WE are our own soulmates. Because, face it, how can anyone EVER love you for just who you are if you have never taken the time to make that amazing precious discovery for yourself? How can you meet the person who will complete you if you are not already whole in and of yourself?
I am not saying we need to be perfect, because we all already know that no one is perfect, nor do we need to have met some kind of “self-growth” quota. But we need to be RIGHT with ourselves. Love ourselves for who we ARE, flaws and all, and be comfortable sharing our flawed selves COMPLETELY with someone else. How many of us are truly easy with that fact? Me neither. But I am getting to the point where the thought of sharing myself wholly and honestly and openly (with myself AND with someone else) no longer terrifies me. Where I no longer think that if I show someone who I truly am, they will run in terror. Yes, I really have thought that way. And if I can begin to turn away from that darkness, then anyone can. And ANYONE can find that person that is perfect for them. They only need to find them in their own hearts and souls. The rest is easy…
Today’s Affirmation:
Let not your mind run on what you lack as much as on what you already have.
- Marcus Aurelius

Penned by: Tricia
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I have been thinking a lot lately about why we as human beings have such an overwhelming need to connect with others, to love and be loved by someone else, sometimes at great expense to ourselves in the process. What does it all mean? What IS love anyway, and why is such a mercurial emotion so important to our psyches, to our souls, to our very life forces? Where does the driving force come from, other than from the obvious instinctual need to preserve the species? In the human race, this need seems to have evolved into something more, something deeper, something that extends beyond the boundaries of a human “animal.” Even beyond the more practical needs of protecting or supporting one another.
Is it possible that love is nature’s way of attempting to control this strange evolving race of out-of-control beings? Love can make human beings weak. Love can make human beings destroy each other. Destroy themselves. But if this COULD be the case, perhaps nature’s plan backfired in a way. Because love can also make us stronger, love can inspire us to reach higher, and love can save us.
So where else could this love have come from? Is it a natural side-effect of an evolving intelligence? We really have no way of knowing, since we have never met any other beings who experience this strange phenomenon. Could it be nothing more than an instinct designed to further the survival of the species? Something that came about to make sure that, no matter how badly we are hurt or frightened, we will always seek out the company of SOMEONE else…even when we are most alone.
Yet sometimes it’s that very love that makes us feel so alone. Love is capable of inspiring great art, music, poetry, vision, capable of inspiring us to be better than we ever have been, to “climb every mountain,” to put someone else first. But at the same time that self-same love is capable of evoking the greatest despair, loneliness, heartbreak, selfishness, hysteria and melancholy. How could this be?
The only way to overcome the negative feelings brought about by this love emotion is for us to love OURSELVES. We will still hurt, we will still FEEL, we can still be broken…but if we love OURSELVES we can NEVER be shattered. And maybe that IS what love is really supposed to be about. Loving ourselves. Loving ourselves enough to be ABLE to love another person in the way that they want to be loved. And if two people who love themselves love each other…well, isn’t that what all the best love stories are about?
I am still struggling. I still don’t love myself. But I like myself sometimes. It’s a start. And for the first time in my life, I actually believe that I WILL love myself one day. That I will be able to define my self-worth not by how others see me, but by how I see myself. To not HAVE to hear him tell me “I love you” in order to feel loved. Because I will love myself and him enough to be able to wait until he is ready to say it because he wants to, and not because I want to hear it. And if he never wants to…well, it will hurt, but I will be all right. I will go on. Life will go on. Love will go on.
On a side note, I realized the other day that an integral part of my journal has been missing while I have found myself in that deep dark hole I so recently climbed out of. I used to put affirmations on every post to help myself and others heal. I want to start putting those back on, if people enjoy them. I know I do.
Today’s Affirmation:
Today, I celebrate all that I have accomplished in my life. I acknowledge that I am an ever evolving creation of life.
- Pamela J. Leavey

Penned by: Tricia
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Have you ever been so disillusioned by people and humanity in general that you truly lose complete faith in everything they represent? As if every cloud’s silver lining was tarnished to a dull greasy black, and every falling star was heading straight for your head. Yeah. It’s been like that for me for a long time. Then, has something so outrageously amazing, so incredible, happened that makes you think….MAYBE? Yeah, that has happened to me, too. Actually, it happened to me three times in one day. I was dealt a good deck this past Thursday, but I can take credit for some of it myself. See, I am learning to be more confident in myself. To ask for what it is I want, instead of expecting people to just guess, then give me what I want anyway. Yeah, you CAN learn that life isn’t like that.
I signed on to AIM Thursday morning, and someone messaged me that I didn’t know, although I had seen her name on a message board I have been perusing of late, so I said hi back. We chatted for a bit. She is a very funny and intelligent woman, and I was enjoying our conversation. We began talking about Christmas, and I was joking about how I hoped that Walmart still had fake trees left when I had the extra money to get one, because I knew the kids were looking forward to decorating. She suddenly asks me where the nearest Walmart to me is. I tell her, not really thinking much of it. Next thing she tells me is, she is on the phone with that Walmart, and she is telling them to hold a tree. I am confused for a second, and ask her if they will hold it for me until I have the money. She says, no, silly, you will be picking it up today. I am basically speechless at this point, but I am like hell, naw, I can’t let her do this! She doesn’t even know me! But, well, she is a stubborn southern lady and wouldn’t take no for an answer. This precious person bought me a small tree, PLUS lights, ornaments, AND stockings! Turns out she is an assistant manager for a Walmart in another state. What are the odds? I am SO thankful for this person for helping me to realize that people DO care, I AM worthy of being cared for, and it is not necessary to beg and plead and act pathetic to get that caring. I just need to be….ME. Not that my other friends weren’t trying to help me realize it. I guess it just took a little more than a couple of two-by-fours to actually make me SEE. :LOL:
Which brings me to the second thing that happened, which I put into motion on my own by asking for it outright and expecting that I deserved to get it. I won’t really go into details about this yet, because I REFUSE to jinx what could very well be a monumental development for me for the rest of my life, but suffice it to say as of Friday morning I am no longer…..”looking.” :lovey:
And also very soon there just may be a return for those of you that invested into a new computer for me. I should know for sure by the end of the week, so keep your fingers crossed for me, OK?
There is still this niggling little voice in the back of my head saying “What if? What if something bad happens tomorrow? You know it probably will.” I can’t seem to get it to be quiet. Positive thinking takes so much work when you aren’t used to it. I am still trying hard, but I can feel myself bracing for a “blow.” Someone asked me once if I use sources and events outside of myself to determine how I feel about myself. And, I had to admit that I do, although I never thought about it that way before. I was never taught to rely on myself, to think anything of myself, to WANT to be myself. So I look to other people or things that happen in my life to tell me whether or not I am OK. And most of what has happened so far has told me I am not OK. So I am trying to learn that it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I am OK or not. Only that *I* think I am OK. One day, I hope I can honestly say that I think I am.

Penned by: Tricia
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I am huddled under the covers, tired but willing myself not to sleep. If I go to sleep now, I will miss it, and who knows when it will happen again! I glance up at the clock for the millionth time, and realize that FINALLY it is almost time! I get out of bed, put on my slippers and carefully step out into the hallway, listening hard. I step as quietly as I can, hoping with every scuffle and creaky floorboard that no one will hear me. I finally make it down the steps and into the living room. It is JUST starting! A real, live lunar eclipse! And I get to be here to watch it! I am almost jumping up and down in my excitement. Then I see the shadow begin to move across the surface of the moon, slowly, as if it is trying to sneak up on it. It is a wondrous and awesome sight to behold, and I stand completely mesmerized. I didn’t hear him until he was almost right on top of me. I almost wished I had been startled enough to scream.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I wanted to watch the lunar eclipse,” I say nervously.
We watch it together for a while, and I actually start to relax a bit.
Then he takes my hand, and begins to lead me to the couch.
“Oh, but it’s not finished yet,” I protest.
“Don’t worry, the shadow is supposed to stay put for at least a half hour before moving off again. Plenty of time,” he tells me, gently sitting me down.
“But my Mom,” I protest, trying to think of ANYTHING.
“She won’t wake up. You know she sleeps like the dead,” he chuckles, slowly pushing my nightgown up over my legs, hooking his fingers around my underwear.
I give up, and help him, in that numb detached way I have learned. As his tongue begins to move over my most secret spot, I turn my head to the side, tears rolling slowly down my cheeks. I try to deny the feelings, to stop the tide, but I cannot. My orgasm takes me in a rush, and I bring my hands up to my face to stifle my noises, which sound suspiciously more like sobs than moans. He looks up, a pleased look on his face, then he slowly stands, his pants already down, waiting.
“Please,” I start to say, “I’m tired.”
“Hey, what was our deal?” he says sternly, but accenting it with a gentle kiss.
I sigh and begin what he has taught me. I try to turn my head as I finish, but he grabs my hair and holds me, even as I choke and sputter.
I catch my breath, and he kisses me lightly as he pulls his pants up.
“I love you so much, golden girl,” he whispers. “Never forget that.”
He disappears as silently as he came, and I get up to go back to the window. The shadow is just beginning to move away from the moon, and I watch as the darkness is peeled away, as if the moon is shrugging away the darkness with a laugh. I wonder if I will ever be able to peel away my own darkness.
Long after the eclipse has ended, I stand at the window. As the first faint pink streaks of dawn begin to be painted across the sky as if by some invisible hand, I make my way upstairs, picking up my underwear on the way. I lay on my bed on top of the covers, curl up into a ball, and as my eyes flutter shut I wish as hard as I have ever wished before that I will go to sleep and never ever wake up. Because only then will my mother’s boyfriend stop doing what he is doing.
I am 10 years old.

Penned by: Tricia
11 Comments »

OK, so I decided the best thing for ME was to bring this blog back. This is my site, my words, and my life. I realize that a lot of what I have had to say lately has been depressing or glum, but that’s the way I have been feeling, and I refuse to lie about how I feel inside. If I can lie to all of you, it would make it that much easier to lie to myself. And, as I have begun to realize, the more I lie to myself and push feelings down and hide things inside, the more those same feeling insist on floating to the surface when I least expect it, throwing me for a loop and taking away all progress I thought I had made up to that point. I can’t allow anyone else to speak for me and how I feel.
After some back and forth that really doesn’t bear mentioning anymore, my girl and I have kissed and made up and moved on after learning a lot. I wish the whole thing hadn’t happened, sure, but the fact that we were able to work things out puts some of my faith back in people as a whole.
I want to publicly thank EVERYONE who e-mailed me, left comments, or messaged me about this issue, offering encouragement, support, shoulders, ears, and kind words. YOU are also one of the reasons I need to stay. You hold me up, lead me onward, and lend me strength to continue on my journey, and I am SO grateful to all of you, you will never know how much. Thank you all for sticking by me, even if you had conflicting feelings. I will be responding to each of you personally as I have time, please forgive me if it takes a few days.
I don’t really know what more to say right now, but I do know that I still have some heavy work ahead of me. It scares me a bit, but I will be exploring some issues that have been coming up for me in the coming weeks, and I am hoping that by putting them down in print the demons will be dispersed upon their un-merry ways and I can continue onward with my healing process.

Penned by: Tricia
15 Comments »

I can’t even believe it’s December 2nd already. This year seems to have literally flown by, and yet it’s as if time is standing still, and the rest of the world swirls by in a frenzy without me. I am watching myself from above, like some weird, slow-motion movie, moving forward, but moving so slowly that progress seems impossible. But at least I am moving forward. As far as I can tell.
I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was as good as they could have hoped. Mine was OK. My downstairs neighbor and I pooled together our grocery store gift certificates that we were lucky enough to receive, and made dinner together. She made the turkey and the stuffing, and it was very delicious! I made baked macaroni and cheese, which I learned to make from one of the other residents at the shelter, and have since become quite good at it. I also made homemade mashed potatos, cornbread, and collard greens. (YES, collard greens! I am a woman of many hidden talents. :nyah: ) We each cooked in our own houses, then she brought my half of the turkey upstairs, and we all ate at my house. Her daughter is just about 8 months old now, and o beautiful, and it’s hard to imagine that I met her first when she was only 3 months old! No matter how many times I see it, the growth of a child, both physical and mental/psychological is one of the most amazing and miraculous things that I have ever been blessed enough to perceive.
My own children grow bigger and stronger and more full of presonality every day. Sometimes I still regret that neither one of their fathers will ever see these two beings become the wonderful men I see inside of them, but in the end I am selfishly joyous that I alone will be a sole influence over their growth, that I will not miss one single moment of their momentous childhood, and in the end it will my choices that help to mold them. A frightening prospect if looked at one way, and I guess sometimes it is overwhelming to be responsible for two small lives, but as long as I keep striving to do the BEST job that I can, how can I REALLY go wrong? I love these boys with every fiber of my being, or, as Robin Williams says in Flubber, I love them on a sub-atomic level. :LOL: I make mistakes, heck, a LOT of them. But I know that I am on the right course at least.
One of those mistakes I made last night. I didn’t realize it as it came out of my mouth. I was a bit peeved at Gregory, because he had decided to fight me on the bedtime issue. Being at home for 5 days in a row, going to bed pretty much when he wanted, had made him a bit bold, I suppose. He was writing a story on the computer, and when bedtime came I literally had to pull the chair away from the desk in order to get him moving. He went in the room, complaining that I was being mean, that I never let him do anything he wants, blah blah blah, the usual stuff that just goes over my head for the most part. I read them a story, and went to give them their kisses. Gregory refused to give me a kiss, saying that he wished he was old enough to move out now. I guess, for some reason, this just made me very mad. I said back to him, “Go ahead, move out, where are you going to go, move back with C?” I knew this was really not very nice, but I swear that boy knows just what to say to make me feel guilty, hurt, angry. And I haven’t yet gotten the skills to think through those feelings when dealing with him. Immediately after I said this, he just started bawling. Big, sobbing cries. I felt like shit. I tried to comfort him, to say something, but he just pushed me away, so I left the room. He stopped crying quickly enough, but I continued to feel bad. I guess I never realized exactly how afraid he is that I will go back to C. Maybe because I left him before, and went back. I know that this will pass, and as we become more stable and confident in our family trio, he will know that we are NEVER going back. My counsellor says he may need to come to this conclusion on his own. That there isn’t much I can say to convince him, I just have to show him. So that is what I will do. I want him to be proud of me, to feel safe, to feel like life is coming back under control, and he won’t be carted from place to place like a sack of onions without any choices. Most days I just want to curl up in bed and never get up, but still I get up and go about the day. As long as I can do that, there is hope.
Some of you who use my default skin may have noticed that I changed it to a new design, made especially for Yule 2002. I am in the process of changing pretty much all of my skins. I am getting bored with a lot of the old ones, and they don’t seem to “suit” me anymore. So over the next few weeks, be surwe to go over to the skins page and check them out and find one you like.
In case you don’t use the default skin, this is what it looks like:

Make this your skin
The old green default skin with the butterfly is still one of my favorites, and is still available here. I have also added a pretty brown version of the butterfly skin that reminds me of a lovely fall day.

Make this your skin
I hope you like them, and look for a blue version of the butterfly coming soon as well. :kissy:

Penned by: Tricia
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