I can’t even believe it’s December 2nd already. This year seems to have literally flown by, and yet it’s as if time is standing still, and the rest of the world swirls by in a frenzy without me. I am watching myself from above, like some weird, slow-motion movie, moving forward, but moving so slowly that progress seems impossible. But at least I am moving forward. As far as I can tell.
I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was as good as they could have hoped. Mine was OK. My downstairs neighbor and I pooled together our grocery store gift certificates that we were lucky enough to receive, and made dinner together. She made the turkey and the stuffing, and it was very delicious! I made baked macaroni and cheese, which I learned to make from one of the other residents at the shelter, and have since become quite good at it. I also made homemade mashed potatos, cornbread, and collard greens. (YES, collard greens! I am a woman of many hidden talents. :nyah: ) We each cooked in our own houses, then she brought my half of the turkey upstairs, and we all ate at my house. Her daughter is just about 8 months old now, and o beautiful, and it’s hard to imagine that I met her first when she was only 3 months old! No matter how many times I see it, the growth of a child, both physical and mental/psychological is one of the most amazing and miraculous things that I have ever been blessed enough to perceive.
My own children grow bigger and stronger and more full of presonality every day. Sometimes I still regret that neither one of their fathers will ever see these two beings become the wonderful men I see inside of them, but in the end I am selfishly joyous that I alone will be a sole influence over their growth, that I will not miss one single moment of their momentous childhood, and in the end it will my choices that help to mold them. A frightening prospect if looked at one way, and I guess sometimes it is overwhelming to be responsible for two small lives, but as long as I keep striving to do the BEST job that I can, how can I REALLY go wrong? I love these boys with every fiber of my being, or, as Robin Williams says in Flubber, I love them on a sub-atomic level. :LOL: I make mistakes, heck, a LOT of them. But I know that I am on the right course at least.
One of those mistakes I made last night. I didn’t realize it as it came out of my mouth. I was a bit peeved at Gregory, because he had decided to fight me on the bedtime issue. Being at home for 5 days in a row, going to bed pretty much when he wanted, had made him a bit bold, I suppose. He was writing a story on the computer, and when bedtime came I literally had to pull the chair away from the desk in order to get him moving. He went in the room, complaining that I was being mean, that I never let him do anything he wants, blah blah blah, the usual stuff that just goes over my head for the most part. I read them a story, and went to give them their kisses. Gregory refused to give me a kiss, saying that he wished he was old enough to move out now. I guess, for some reason, this just made me very mad. I said back to him, “Go ahead, move out, where are you going to go, move back with C?” I knew this was really not very nice, but I swear that boy knows just what to say to make me feel guilty, hurt, angry. And I haven’t yet gotten the skills to think through those feelings when dealing with him. Immediately after I said this, he just started bawling. Big, sobbing cries. I felt like shit. I tried to comfort him, to say something, but he just pushed me away, so I left the room. He stopped crying quickly enough, but I continued to feel bad. I guess I never realized exactly how afraid he is that I will go back to C. Maybe because I left him before, and went back. I know that this will pass, and as we become more stable and confident in our family trio, he will know that we are NEVER going back. My counsellor says he may need to come to this conclusion on his own. That there isn’t much I can say to convince him, I just have to show him. So that is what I will do. I want him to be proud of me, to feel safe, to feel like life is coming back under control, and he won’t be carted from place to place like a sack of onions without any choices. Most days I just want to curl up in bed and never get up, but still I get up and go about the day. As long as I can do that, there is hope.
Some of you who use my default skin may have noticed that I changed it to a new design, made especially for Yule 2002. I am in the process of changing pretty much all of my skins. I am getting bored with a lot of the old ones, and they don’t seem to “suit” me anymore. So over the next few weeks, be surwe to go over to the skins page and check them out and find one you like.
In case you don’t use the default skin, this is what it looks like:

Make this your skin
The old green default skin with the butterfly is still one of my favorites, and is still available here. I have also added a pretty brown version of the butterfly skin that reminds me of a lovely fall day.

Make this your skin
I hope you like them, and look for a blue version of the butterfly coming soon as well. :kissy:

Penned by: Tricia | 18 Comments »