Reflections
I am huddled under the covers, tired but willing myself not to sleep. If I go to sleep now, I will miss it, and who knows when it will happen again! I glance up at the clock for the millionth time, and realize that FINALLY it is almost time! I get out of bed, put on my slippers and carefully step out into the hallway, listening hard. I step as quietly as I can, hoping with every scuffle and creaky floorboard that no one will hear me. I finally make it down the steps and into the living room. It is JUST starting! A real, live lunar eclipse! And I get to be here to watch it! I am almost jumping up and down in my excitement. Then I see the shadow begin to move across the surface of the moon, slowly, as if it is trying to sneak up on it. It is a wondrous and awesome sight to behold, and I stand completely mesmerized. I didn’t hear him until he was almost right on top of me. I almost wished I had been startled enough to scream.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I wanted to watch the lunar eclipse,” I say nervously.
We watch it together for a while, and I actually start to relax a bit.
Then he takes my hand, and begins to lead me to the couch.
“Oh, but it’s not finished yet,” I protest.
“Don’t worry, the shadow is supposed to stay put for at least a half hour before moving off again. Plenty of time,” he tells me, gently sitting me down.
“But my Mom,” I protest, trying to think of ANYTHING.
“She won’t wake up. You know she sleeps like the dead,” he chuckles, slowly pushing my nightgown up over my legs, hooking his fingers around my underwear.
I give up, and help him, in that numb detached way I have learned. As his tongue begins to move over my most secret spot, I turn my head to the side, tears rolling slowly down my cheeks. I try to deny the feelings, to stop the tide, but I cannot. My orgasm takes me in a rush, and I bring my hands up to my face to stifle my noises, which sound suspiciously more like sobs than moans. He looks up, a pleased look on his face, then he slowly stands, his pants already down, waiting.
“Please,” I start to say, “I’m tired.”
“Hey, what was our deal?” he says sternly, but accenting it with a gentle kiss.
I sigh and begin what he has taught me. I try to turn my head as I finish, but he grabs my hair and holds me, even as I choke and sputter.
I catch my breath, and he kisses me lightly as he pulls his pants up.
“I love you so much, golden girl,” he whispers. “Never forget that.”
He disappears as silently as he came, and I get up to go back to the window. The shadow is just beginning to move away from the moon, and I watch as the darkness is peeled away, as if the moon is shrugging away the darkness with a laugh. I wonder if I will ever be able to peel away my own darkness.
Long after the eclipse has ended, I stand at the window. As the first faint pink streaks of dawn begin to be painted across the sky as if by some invisible hand, I make my way upstairs, picking up my underwear on the way. I lay on my bed on top of the covers, curl up into a ball, and as my eyes flutter shut I wish as hard as I have ever wished before that I will go to sleep and never ever wake up. Because only then will my mother’s boyfriend stop doing what he is doing.
I am 10 years old.
