Have you ever been so disillusioned by people and humanity in general that you truly lose complete faith in everything they represent? As if every cloud’s silver lining was tarnished to a dull greasy black, and every falling star was heading straight for your head. Yeah. It’s been like that for me for a long time. Then, has something so outrageously amazing, so incredible, happened that makes you think….MAYBE? Yeah, that has happened to me, too. Actually, it happened to me three times in one day. I was dealt a good deck this past Thursday, but I can take credit for some of it myself. See, I am learning to be more confident in myself. To ask for what it is I want, instead of expecting people to just guess, then give me what I want anyway. Yeah, you CAN learn that life isn’t like that.
I signed on to AIM Thursday morning, and someone messaged me that I didn’t know, although I had seen her name on a message board I have been perusing of late, so I said hi back. We chatted for a bit. She is a very funny and intelligent woman, and I was enjoying our conversation. We began talking about Christmas, and I was joking about how I hoped that Walmart still had fake trees left when I had the extra money to get one, because I knew the kids were looking forward to decorating. She suddenly asks me where the nearest Walmart to me is. I tell her, not really thinking much of it. Next thing she tells me is, she is on the phone with that Walmart, and she is telling them to hold a tree. I am confused for a second, and ask her if they will hold it for me until I have the money. She says, no, silly, you will be picking it up today. I am basically speechless at this point, but I am like hell, naw, I can’t let her do this! She doesn’t even know me! But, well, she is a stubborn southern lady and wouldn’t take no for an answer. This precious person bought me a small tree, PLUS lights, ornaments, AND stockings! Turns out she is an assistant manager for a Walmart in another state. What are the odds? I am SO thankful for this person for helping me to realize that people DO care, I AM worthy of being cared for, and it is not necessary to beg and plead and act pathetic to get that caring. I just need to be….ME. Not that my other friends weren’t trying to help me realize it. I guess it just took a little more than a couple of two-by-fours to actually make me SEE. :LOL:
Which brings me to the second thing that happened, which I put into motion on my own by asking for it outright and expecting that I deserved to get it. I won’t really go into details about this yet, because I REFUSE to jinx what could very well be a monumental development for me for the rest of my life, but suffice it to say as of Friday morning I am no longer…..”looking.” :lovey:
And also very soon there just may be a return for those of you that invested into a new computer for me. I should know for sure by the end of the week, so keep your fingers crossed for me, OK?
There is still this niggling little voice in the back of my head saying “What if? What if something bad happens tomorrow? You know it probably will.” I can’t seem to get it to be quiet. Positive thinking takes so much work when you aren’t used to it. I am still trying hard, but I can feel myself bracing for a “blow.” Someone asked me once if I use sources and events outside of myself to determine how I feel about myself. And, I had to admit that I do, although I never thought about it that way before. I was never taught to rely on myself, to think anything of myself, to WANT to be myself. So I look to other people or things that happen in my life to tell me whether or not I am OK. And most of what has happened so far has told me I am not OK. So I am trying to learn that it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I am OK or not. Only that *I* think I am OK. One day, I hope I can honestly say that I think I am.

Penned by: Tricia
15 Comments »