The Seven Wonders of My World
Have you ever wondered if there was such a thing as the ‘Seven Wonders’ of your world? What places, objects, people or accomplishments in your life would you herald as the most meaningful, life-affirming features of your existence? In considering this myself, I decided to present my wonders in a generalized chronological order, NOT in any order of importance, because, well, I truly don’t think any one of these things is any more wondrous within my life than the other.
The most ancient wonder in my world would be my blanket. Crafted with love and care by my great-grandmother, and finished even before the date of my birth, this blanket is the one possession I refuse to ever leave behind. It has been a silent and comforting witness, lying quietly at the bottom of my bed every time my mother’s boyfriend would sneak into my room and violate my most innocent of little girl trust. It was there to envelop me in a warm and safe embrace after he had left. It has soaked up so many tears that sometimes I wonder why it is not perpetually damp. It has covered chilly legs and been used as a prop for many a care-worn and voraciously read tome. It has been a favorite perch for the various cats that I have owned in my life. My own children have fought me for the privilege of wrapping up snug and cozy in its peaceful multicolored pastels. It contains within its unassuming threads memories, heartaches, confidences, hopes, dreams, whispers. It remembers who I was, it knows who I am, and it will wait to see who I become.
The next wonder to behold would be my mother. Undeniably the largest influence in my life, both good and bad. The one who fostered my lifelong love of reading. Encouraged my independence. Indulged my crazy sense of humor. Survived my teenage years. Showed me some of the world. Wanted to provide the best for me. It’s really a pity that when it really mattered, she wasn’t able to see that last part through. But even then I learned from her. I learned that, for some people, unconditional love is just not a thing they can give. But that does not make them any less worthy of RECEIVING unconditional love. I also learned some lessons that I will probably spend the rest of my life UNlearning. I learned to question everything everyone does, to see alterior motives in everyone’s actions, to trust no one, to push people away if I felt they are getting too close to the heart of me. And I also learned that family can sometimes be the ones you have to watch the closest. I remain wary of her, and I am sure I always will. We will never again regain the closeness we once had, but the invaluable lessons of forgiveness and strength that her actions have helped me learn make her a wonder of my world indeed.
This third wonder is not a tangible thing or person, but a singular accomplishment that I am finally beginning too see as something I can and SHOULD be proud of myself for. I am a survivor. I have experienced physical, mental, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse by many different people during different stages of my lifetime. There have been more times that I can count when I have felt like laying down, giving up, killing myself, forgetting about everything in an attempt to drown myself in my own misery. Yet here I stand. Still. Broken, but standing. And every day I wonder….HOW? How do I even manage to get out of bed in the morning? Yet…somehow I do. And somehow, no matter what garbage people and life in general have thrown at me, no matter how badly I feel, no matter how much I have wanted to swallow those pills or use that razor….still….here I stand. And I think that maybe, after all these years of wondering why I am still alive, maybe now I am starting to wonder why I am not dead. There MUST be a reason. There must be more to me than anyone has ever told me, or that I have ever told myself. And, for now, knowing that there might be a chance to find out if that is true or not…that’s enough. To keep me standing.
The fourth wonder in my little world is one of my most fascinating. That would be my very first little boy, Gregory. When I became pregnant with him, there was an instant connection. I KNEW he was a boy…never had a doubt in my mind. I never even picked out a girl’s name. The timing of my pregnancy was probably the worst possible, and I have to admit that I fleetingly thought of ending it right then and there. But I knew, in my deepest heart of hearts, that…for ME…ending it would cause more pain and horror than a lifetime of dealing with the consequences of the other choice could ever bring me. Even when his father left us a mere three days after being informed of his impending fatherhood, still I remained steadfast in one of the most clear-headed and valuable decisions of my life. Gregory saved my life. Without him in my life, I never would have made it this far. I would have had no reason to go on, no reason to contemplate self-growth to become a better person. He is my most precious rock, my “mini-me,” for although he is a lighter-complected carbon copy of his absent father, his attitude and behavior and even his THOUGHTS are so similar to mine that at times it is downright eerie. A friend of mine has always called him an “elven child,” in part because of his ever-so-slightly pointed ears, but also because he has…such an old spirit. His soul sees things you and I cannot even imagine. His brain stretches to comprehend matters far beyond his meager years. He has a quiet strength about him that has only grown stronger through all of the hardships he has been forced to suffer thus far. He is truly a priceless treasure.
This next wonder has always been important to me since he has come into my life, but it has not been until recently that I realized just how much he has been a part of my growth and strength. Friend, lover, confidante, ass-kicker, giver of brutally honest advice and opinions, teacher, caring, thoughtful, surprising, loving, sensitive, sweet, sexy, intelligent, amusing, enticer of my muse. I knew I loved him from the day we met. Although we were only friends for many years, he has been and always will be the closest friend I will ever have. The one I can keep no secrets from. My kindred spirit. He has helped me realize the TRUE meaning of unconditional love. He has seen me stumble, fall on my ass, make wrong choices, be hurt, be angry, be at my absolute worst, and continue downhill as if the worst were a party. And still, his hand has been there to support me. His constant presense is ever felt. And now that he has decided to take my offered hand and explore a different path in life beside me, our years of friendship are standing like Stonhenge behind us, holding us up, carrying us forward…eternally.
My sixth wonder I could never imagine not having in my life. Although he was born in the midst of a strained and complicated relationship, Donovan has truly been my saving grace. Bright, inquisitive, maddenly hilarious, mischievious, outgoing, friendly, and stubborn, this beautiful child reminded me of something I had long ago forgotten, and something which the old soul in Gregory had never presented to me in quite the same way. The innocence of childhood, the carefree expression of every emotion, the hushed awe at every new discovery. He embraces life with a sense of energy that is somewhat foreign to both Gregory and I, with our more quiet approaches, but in that very energy he balances us all. He makes Gregory and I smile whether we think we feel like it or not, he breaks up tension like so many fragile icicles, his peals of merriment add a fresh, shining coat of closeness to wrap around all of us, and I truly feel that if it hadn’t been for Donovan, Gregory and I might have truly not been able to pull out of this dark time. Donovan came to save us from ourselves. He is my bright-eyed bundle of crackling fireworks, and I wouldn’t have him any other way.
I have struggled so with the seventh wonder. How could there really be seven whole things within the scope of my dreary life that could be considered treasures of any sort? But after much thought, I figured out that sometimes the most overlooked treasures are right under our noses. I am typing into it now. This website is my own seventh wonder. I have had a website now for nearly six years, and through those years it has undergone countless metamorphoses, designs, content, and form, but constant underneath all of the external changes has been my heart and soul that has been poured into every last dot on every single page of this site. My Wiccan pages have helped strengthen my beliefs through research and reading, my motherhood pages nave helped me sort through issues I have had about my own skills as a mother, my personal pages have helped me spill my words onto the page in a cathartic fountain. And last but not least, this very blog has helped me preserve my sanity, reminded me that I am NOT alone, and forced me to put forth feelings that have been trapped in the dark for far too long. Perhaps this website is the greatest treasure of all, because…it IS me.
