I wanted to take some time to dissect something that I have done lately that I am not very proud of at all. Well, OK, there are several things, but this is the one thing that affects me the most.
Since getting my wonderful new computer, a whole different world online has been introduced to me. Not that I didn’t have a good world with my Mac, but the poor thing was too old and tired to allow me to see many of the newer wonders. I go from site to site now still oohing and aahing at all the cool little gadgets and gizmos that I can see and play with now. One of those things was the cheap little $20 webcam I was able to get a hold of. I never had one before, so the kids and I were playing with it for days, taking crazy silly pictures and just testing it on everything. Then one day I decided to head on over and download Yahoo!™ Messenger and see what all the fuss I had been hearing from people was about. Whoa….it was actually pretty cool. Some of the chat rooms made me feel like I was right back on AOL again like I was 7 years ago. :LOL: But for the most part they were pretty cool. For several days, I didn’t really try out the webcam part of it. Mostly because I didn’t want anyone to laugh at me. But finally I did. And sheesh, what a difference. So many guys wanted to talk to me now. Not because I was pretty. Because they wanted me to show them something.
I was good for several days. I didn’t feel comfortable doing the things they were asking, so I didn’t. Then, one night, I broke down and flashed my bra to a few people. Then I signed off and cried like a baby. Ashamed that I had allowed myself to sink there.
But I guess something else must have sunk into my brain when I did that as well. The “applause,” the begging for more, the ones who told me I was beautiful. I guess….it kind of inflated my head a bit, I admit. So when I went on next, I think my intentions were to show something. Just to get the accolades. Over the course of the next few weeks, I mostly just showed bra and panties, innocent stuff, but one night I was feeling pretty down, and I felt like I would do anything to cheer myself up. So I went into a room named something like “Bra Size Competition” or something. And ended up showing a lot of stuff. I won’t really go into it, but let’s just say there are several strangers out there that know me pretty well. :huh:
After this happened, I would come back online, and the men who saw me that night would constantly IM me begging to see more, asking me if I was going to show again, and if I wasn’t, they wouldn’t talk to me. As if I were some kind of pony. And as much as I loved all the attention that night, I began to ask myself a lot of questions. I have waxed quite philosopical on the reasons WHY I felt I needed or even wanted to show myself in that way. I am in general a very modest person. I mean, I walk around the house, and I have breastfed in public without apology, but those are very different circumstances.
So why would I choose to do this? Well, for one, the compliments. I have never in my life been called beautiful by a man. Cute, sure. But never beautiful. I have never been that kind of girl that men just want to run their hands over, and caress. Even during sex, I always felt like there was some slight avoidance to touching my body. Then again, it could just be my own self-perception. I honestly don’t know anymore. I have been told over and over in my life that I am fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. In my head, of course I know it doesn’t make sense to let others define who you are, but I have never had a chance to find out who I am. And there are times when I wonder if I will ever really have the strength inside to just like me for who I am.
So, all these men flocking around, telling me how beautiful I am, what a nice body I have…it was a heady feeling. I found myself showing more, just to keep those 50 people viewing my webcam and cheering me on. Then signing off and crying myself to sleep, not stopping to think about why.
It is really embarrassing to even admit all of this. I am worried that people won’t see me the same, won’t think of me the same, will think I am a loser or a slut or all kinds of other things. My days as a cam girl are definitely over, I know that for a fact. Empty compliments from desperate internet men who would do or say anything to get a woman to show something to them are not exactly what I want out of life. What DO I want? I don’t know. But at least I have discovered one way NOT to find out.

Penned by: Tricia
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Well, I think MOST of the features of this site have been re-uploaded. Some have been improved, like the Interactive Story, but most everything right now is the same. I finally re-added the skins directory, with a few less skins than before, because I am working on a few more as I have time, as well as adding a bunch of things to the Wicca section. I also need to re-add my BOS blog, but all in due time
OK, administrative stuff aside, things are pretty much the same for me. I am supposed to be starting a computer class in about a week, but daycare is proving a bit elusive, so wish me luck for the continued search next week? I am also getting closer to finding some permanent housing, I have my appointment for Section 8 next week, and it should only be about 4-6 weeks after that that I should get it, and I will be on my way to moving closer to some good public transportation and more jobs. Yay. As Eric says in The Crow, “It can’t rain all the time.”
I admit, I am still feeling a bit down about the friend situation, but I am beginning to honestly realize that I probably made the right decision regarding the issue, and that I need to pick up and move on and be happy with myself and what I am left with.
I know I haven’t been visiting a lot of blogs lately, but I am hoping to change that soon. Sometimes I just come online and vegitate. :LOL: I think about all of you though, especially you guys (you know who I mean) and I hope you are all doing well. :kissy:

Penned by: Tricia
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First off, I just wanted to say I am sorry for not really being around too much lately. Writing just hasn’t been in me. I don’t really know what’s up with me, other than the fact that the majority of the time I am so exhausted I hardly know what to do with myself, no matter how much sleep I get. The doctor hasn’t been around to check on my medication, so that might still be the issue, but who knows. I can’t even tell anymore if I am just depressed, because I have never felt like this before; almost as if I were on drugs. At times I do not even feel physically capable of getting up, or even waking up, and that is so not like me. But anyway, nothing I can really do about it until I find out, so I do my best to stay awake when I can, and if I just have to sleep, I go ahead and try not to feel too guilty about it, because I know it’s only because something is definitely going on.
But moving on, you may have noticed the subject of this message. It probably doesn’t pertain to you, but I just needed some time and space to ramble on about some very intense feelings I have been having for a while now, and the culmination of those feelings and how they have affected me. Thanks for reading if you wish to.
Friendship is one of the most precious, sacred bonds that can ever exist between two people. It is a trust and a love born out of choice, not birth or circumstance, a choice freely given and received wherein you look into that person’s soul and say “You are my friend.” And they do the same for you. It is not a bond to take lightly, or a bond that can be broken without serious consquences. I once had such a friend. Someone who knew me better than I knew myself. Someone I was comfortable having nothing to say around. Someone I loved and respected and trusted with all my heart and soul. Someone that I know had some of the same feelings towards me. Someone I forgave. And forgave. And forgave again. To forgive is divine, but to forgive too many times is to enable. Enable someone to take advantage of you and your feelings and your very nature. Enable someone to just assume that you will always be there, no matter how they treat you, just waiting for them to hurt you again. I have come to realize that there are many many people in my life that I have enabled in this way. I am so afraid of sticking up for myself. Afraid of being the one to break things off. Afraid of being seen as mean, uncaring, unfeeling. But my very fear caused me to have more heartache than anyone ever deserves.
I had the strength to leave me ex after I had enabled him to treat me badly. But for whatever reason, I couldn’t let myself give up this friend. It was as though he had control of one of the largest rocks that lay beneath me, holding me up, but on any incomprehensible whim of his own, he would take the rock away, leaving me hanging. Then, just as suddenly, put it back, leaving me so grateful that the reasons behind the initial rock-taking were pushed to the side and forgiven and forgotten. But each time the rock was taken away, it took other little chunks and pieces with it, which rolled down the precipice, never to return. Until I was to the point where only with his rock beneath me did I feel supported. So, when he took it away this time, I actually felt like I would fall, for the first time. And not only is that not healthy for me, it is not right for m to allow him that much power and control over me. Not that he meant to have it, but it was there just the same. And I was left holding on to the ledge, calling for him and getting no answer, feeling like a fool.
A friend is not a “when I feel like it” kind of thing, or a “when I have the time or inclination” thing either. A friend, especially a best friend, is a committment, and is just as worthy of work and attention as any other relationship. And just as in any other relationship, it can only be as good or as strong as both people can make it. If one side is required to do too much for too long, the balance is lost, and it just can’t work without the other one.
My friend, my heart is broken. I will miss you to the end of my days. But I am not sure I have any forgiveness left inside of me. Too many times of feeling brushed aside for someone new, feeling like I was put in the last page of the book of your heart and forgotten. I deserve more than that. From a lover AND from a friend. I will never say that it doesn’t hurt to say good-bye, but I cannot truly be taking care of myself if I allow even one person to treat me this way, whether it is conscious or not. I am a GOOD person, worthy of love and respect and consideration, and I refuse to accept any less any longer.
So, I will let you go gently, as the mighty oak tenderly releases the last leaf in the fall, allowing it to float lightly in the breeze, and settle on the ground to crumble and disintegrate and form a sweet memory that will never be forgotten. The oak knows she must let the leaf fall, to allow room for the hope of new leaves in the spring. And so the incredible circle of life continues.
The past is a precious memory, the future a mystery. All we can do is grab a hold of the present and do our best to create good memories and dispell the most cryptic of mysteries.

Penned by: Tricia
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