Well, I asked for it.
Lessa posted some interview questions for me, so here are my answers.
1. It’s easy to list our faults, they tend to fall first from our lips, and do the most damage by being the easiest to remember. So instead, tell me just one thing that you are proud of. Doesn’t even have to be the one… just one.
Hmmmm….how did I know you would start with a hard one? OK, I am proud that I am FINALLY going back to school after so many years of false starts and attempts and dreams and wishes. It is really happening this time.

2. Word association time! Tolerance, health, fear, illusion, paperclip.
Tolerance – Love
Health – Care
Fear – Nothing
Illusion – Insubstantial
Paperclip – Together

3. Everyone has a childhood dream – sometimes fantastic, sometimes scary, almost always unrealized and amusing – so what was yours? What did you want to be when you grew up and would you ever consider going for that goal now, no matter how fantastical?
Hmmmmmm…..well, I suppose for the longest time I wanted to be a doctor. I even pursued that dream into college, where I was pre-med at Boston University for a year and a half before kind of…growing up and moving on to other interests. For a long time I still wanted to be in the health field somehow, whether as a doctor or as a nurse or even a nurse’s assistant, but then the interest more or less dies away altogether. Honestly, I am not sure if I would ever pursue that carreer now. I wouldn’t have nearly enough time for the really important thing, like my kids. Sure, the money is great, but money doesn’t mean THAT much to me.

4. I know you love to read… what is one book that you not only couldn’t put down the first time, but have returned too again and again, loving it even if you know what’s going to happen in the end?
Well…there are SO SO many that would fit into this category. But if I had to pick just one, I would say it has to be The Moon Under Her Feet by Clista Kinstler. This is an utterly fascinating fictitious look at the life of Jesus through the eyes of Mary Magdalene, who is portrayed as a Pagan priestess. This makes so much sense to me, seeing as how she is so viciously maligned by so many. But then again, I really like ANY books which attempt to portray events from a womans point of view (The Mists of Avalon, The Red Tent), since so very few real accounts survive patriarchal oppression. There is a very nice bibliography at the end as well that depicts the author’s research into the subject. I honestly feel as if I lean more towards believing parts of Ms. Kinstler’s account after reading the book and doing a bit of research on my own.

5. Everyone doubts themselves. Everyone wonders if they are doomed to be in this existence until the end of time…. So tell me, Tricia, if you could be anywhere, anywhen, on any plane of existence… where would you be? In other words, describe to me your version of the perfect world… even if it’s Scifi style – especially if it’s out of the norm.
Well…anywhere but here and now would be a darn good start. :LOL: Seriously, though, as much as I enjoy using technology and computers and whatnot, I would love to go back to a time where none of that was known or necessary. A simpler time. Definitely on a different plane of existence. One where fairies and pixies and the like are actually to be found under every toadstool. Where magic is alive and revered, and people respect themselves and their neighbors and reach out a helping hand to anyone who needs it. People in this day and age tend to be so selfish. So concerned about themselves and their own lives, barely giving a second thought to anyone else. Everyone seems tired and jaded and suspicious and ever so willing to displace any and all blame for their own problems or the world’s problems onto someone else’s shoulders. It’s really a sad thing. Just the thought of something simple…I suppose I wouldn’t mind at all being a simple worker for a kindly lord, cooking and cleaning and hugging the children and kissing my husband when he comes home. Churning butter by hand and walking in fields of green and laughing as I hike up my skirts and splash my family in the nearby sparkling stream. Knowing everyone’s name, waving and chatting as they go by. Not even having a lock on the door, for after all, if someone needs what we have, why not just give it to them? Besides the fact that there wouldn’t even be a need to steal…there would be just enough. Including kindness.

Here are the rules – and yes, I will interview whomever wishes me too. *Smile*
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions – each person’s will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the questions and the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Penned by: Tricia
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You know, there are times when I get really tired of being miserable and depressed so much. And I really try to do something about it, get something going for myself. Then it seems something else happens. And I can never quite get both feet on the ground. A lot of people tell me that I could, if I really tried. Maybe I could. But I DO try, and sometimes I feel as if people don’t believe me, or because they can’t SEE the progress going on inside my own mind, they assume that I am doing nothing. Or hey, maybe I am doing nothing, and I am only deluding myself.
The fact is, I am not, nor have I even been, a cheerful type of person. I am pessimistic. Since day one. How in the world do you go about changing a basic facet of your personality? It probably wouldn’t be so unbearable to other people if I had not had so much garbage happen on top of my naturally repressed personailty disorder. But I can’t help the things that I have happened to me, I can only deal with them as best I can and move onward.
All that being said, I realize that many many many times in my life there are so many good people around me, then after a while they just…drift off. Separate themselves from me. Leave me kind of on the outside. This has happened to me so many times that I know it is something to do with me. In my worst times, it’s because I am not good enough, I am not worthy, I don’t give enough, I don’t have enough, I am too much of a loser. In my better times I figure it’s because I tend to keep myself so self-contained. Not initiating contact a lot. Shying away from people when they reach out. Deliberately sabotaging relationships before they get to a certain point as a method of self-survival, so that I won’t get hurt again. I am too unhappy for most people. I don’t FEEL like I lean on people or demand sympathy, but it seems as though I come across in that manner, and of course people don’t want to deal with that. The only way I know of to not bother people in that way all the time is to distance MYSELF…which probably ends up making people think I don’t WANT to talk to them, or I am a bitch, or whatever it is that makes them back away from me as if I had the plague.
So…once again, I am asking myself…what can I do about this? I honestly, truly don’t know. I try to think of things to talk about with people, and I just get a blank. I am not interested in ‘net drama,’ I don’t care much for soap operas or celebrity issues or reality TV, my views on politics and religion are a bit out of the mainstream, so a lot of times I avoid talking about that, most of the books I read have never been read by the majority of people I talk to, same goes with movies and music. What’s left? I’ve been talking computer graphics a bit more now that I have been using Poser and Bryce, but I am not nearly knowledgeable enough to hold a lot of conversations about it.
The fact is I have managed to grow up with next to NO social skills. I rarely go in chat rooms anymore becuase I always manage to say something idiotic, I hardly ever initiate an IM conversation because I have no idea what to say after ‘Hi.’ Forget about in real life. I only really leave my house if it’s for a reason. I don’t really know my neighbors too well, and although I do respond when they initiate things, I feel like I am too boring or stupid to interest them. I’m always sitting in a corner somewhere practicing becoming invisible.
I have absolutely no idea who I am, what I want, where I am going, or even what the point of any of this is. I guess I am just really feeling my faults right now. You really find out how YOU act by judging the reactions around you when something not so nice happens to you. And I am not saying that people I already know haven’t been nice and kind, but it seems as if strangers or people I only speak to rarely are doing more rallying, and the people I always thought I felt closest to are just…on the periphery. Not that I need or want anyone to mollycoddle or fawn over me. I don’t. In fact, it makes me a bit uncomfortable…but I do have a nice glowy feeling inside that maybe someone DOES care. I haven’t had those feelings very often in my life. But even to have someone call me up and tell me a dirty joke, laugh with me…I could really use something like that right now.
I don’t know where I am meaning to go with all of this. What can anyone even say to me? It all has to come from within, right? But what if there isn’t enough within to begin with? Then where do you go? Where do you even start? How do you figure out who you even are when almost all of your life you have been told that who you are is not good enough, that you should be more like this one or that one? I don’t even know if there has been a time in my life when I have WANTED to be just who I am. And now I wonder if it is too late to learn. Maybe I am just meant to be alone in this world.

Penned by: Tricia
7 Comments »

So yesterday I head down to the neurologist’s office to pick up some samples of a new medication he wanted me to try for my headaches. I mentioned that the results hadn’t been in for the MRI yet on Wednesday, so they went hunting for them, and there they were finally. The doctor went to look at them, then came out, and I felt like I was in the middle of one of those really bad 80′s medical shows. You know, where they are smiling in the face of the patient, while in the background everyone is scrambling to find the surgeons.
OK, maybe I am being melodramatic, but the whole atmosphere really kind of freaked me out. He comes out of the office, with his hands up in a placating manner, smiling, saying, “It’s just as I thought, don’t worry, it’s completely benign, completely benign!” Yet not saying what ‘it’ really WAS. Trying to reassure or convince me? Or himself? Because I am not quite sure how you could tell whether something is benign just by looking at a picture of it. You know, without a biopsy. But then, maybe that’s why I am not a neurologist.
The scoop? I have a mass growing inside my brain. 2 centimeters in diameter, according to the report. I only got a brief look at the report, and I was a bit too shaken up to think of asking for a copy, so I am still pretty much in the dark about everything, except for registering that he was saying that I needed to see the neurosurgeon within the next few weeks at the latest. And for me not to worry. Easy enough for someone else to say, I suppose. They don’t have some strange thing that they don’t even know what it really is yet growing inside their brain, the very thing that allows them to function, and to even write on this web page.
I am REALLY REALLY trying to stay positive. Take it one day at a time. To not lose myself in a “why me?” diatribe. But I feel as if I am at one end of a long long tunnel, and everyone else is at the other end, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how fast I run, I still can’t reach that other end. I can’t reach the place where the ‘normal’ people are. I feel completely alone. I know people are THERE, and I want to reach out to them, I really do. I want to feel less alone. I want my mind to stop feeling as though it were full of cotton stuffed with a million buzzing angry bees, all trying to get out of my head at once. I want this whole thing to just STOP.

Penned by: Tricia
14 Comments »

I need to fix my site, huh? It’s all broken and old and mangy-looking. No time. No energy. Maybe being broken gives it character? :LOL:

Penned by: Tricia
1 Comment »

I wanted to thank everyone who wished me well regarding my previous post. Your thoughts are so very welcome.
I had my MRI on Monday. I fell asleep during it. Is that normal? Well….I’m not anywhere near normal, so it’s probably not normal to fall asleep with a big plastic helmet on that is making noise like a million jackhammers al around you. :LOL: At any rate, the results are not back yet. So…just more waiting. Bleh. This is the worst part, I think.
Anyway, in brighter news, this past Sunday was my little munchkin’s THIRD birthday! So Happy Birthday Donovan! I can’t believe it, he is so big, yet still seems so small. No matter what happens, time marches onward, eh? No harder way to learn that than to watch another of your child’s birthdays roll by. On Saturday we went to my friend’s house for a barbecue. Her house is awesome, way out in the country, with a lovely garden and lots of chickens and turkeys all around. The kids had a blast pulling onions and peppers and cucumbers out of her garden to take home. And we were all amused, frustrated, and irritated at the antics of this little mangy kitten that had appeared on my friend’s doorstep a few days before, and considered her house home already, including her counters! Ewwww….hehe.
On Sunday we had a nice mild day, with cake (that ended up lopsided thanks to our slanted oven mwahaha) and ice cream around 3. I had made up little goodie bags for everyone (two of the neighbor children came over as well as my own two), and then of course Donovan was ripping open his presents. And I think I am going to be able to swing taking both of them to Six Flags this weekend (thanks to a ride from my friend), which I think will be the perfect ending for this summer. Don’t you think?

Penned by: Tricia
1 Comment »

Life has this funny little way of reminding us how very little control we really have over it. I suppose I took a somewhat unintended hiatus from this little peaceful spot, and I apologize for not making any kind of anouncement, but it was much needed, trust me. But for some reason tonight I found myself opening up good old Moveably Type. Needing to connect. To remember that I am real. That this life I am suddenly living is not some psychotic nightmare that I cannot awaken from.
OK, well let me start from the beginning. About a month ago, I started having headaches. Sometimes really really bad, like in-bed-in-the-dark-running-back-and-forth-to-the-bathroom-to-throw-up-wish-I-could-die bad. Sometimes low enough so that I could get up and function almost normally. But constantly there. Even as I write this I do so from behind a slight haze of pressure around my head. About two weeks ago I headed to the doctor hoping to get some relief, thinking perhaps I finally had gotten to the point with my migraines that I needed migraine medication. At first my insurance wouldn’t pay for the medication that was prescribed (we didn’t realize at the time that they would only pay for six pills at a time), so the doctor prescribed Vicodin. Yes, a narcotic. I was really leery about taking these, but broke down a few times right before I went to bed. They really did nothing for the headaches, and only served to make me dizzy and groggy, two very undesirable conditions when you have children. So, I had a follow-up last week with my regular doctor (the first time I saw a nurse practitioner). Since my headaches were not any better, and since I was waking up with headaches just about every day, as well as having them all day every day, he decided he should order a CT scan, just to rule out anything more serious.
So I go in to my CT scan this past Wednesday, with a headache, not really even worried. I mean, what could possibly be wrong? It’s just a headache, right? I breezed through it, and the next morning I went to see the neurologist to discuss the results.
They weren’t exactly what I expected.

(more…)

Penned by: Tricia
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