Crack Kills
I can’t believe I almost forgot to write this story down. Last week was the first time EVER that I wished desperately for a camera phone. Because I just knew that someone, somewhere would appreciate this.
I had just dropped DJ off at school, and I needed to run some errands, so I was waiting for a different bus than usual, which stops right in front of the school. It was colder than the devil’s left nipple out there, too. Which makes this story even more unbelievable.
So I am standing burying myself in my coat, listening to my mp3 player and trying to imagine that I am curled up by a fire with some hot cocoa (or was that with a hot cocoa-colored man? hmmmm….hard decision), when I vaguely hear some people coming up on the sidewalk from behind me. I don’t really think much of it until they passed me. There were 3 women and a small child. The first 2 passed me, one leading the child by the hand. Then the third brings up the rear. And I do mean REAR.
Because this woman was walking by with a MINIMUM of 5 inches of rear and crack all exposed to the horror of everyone’s eyes. I am talking crack for DAYS. I swear I never knew anyone could have such a high, deep asscrack. She had one of those little jackets that girls buy when they want to be cute, not warm. You know, the ones that come barely to their waist. Well, someone forgot to tell her where her waist WAS or something. And they forgot to tell her about the pants, too. I feel bad for her that the friends she was walking with didn’t care enough to tell her how embarrassed the whole rest of the world was for her. As far as I know, the best thing to do when you have gained a little weight is buy some new clothes that actually FIT. Not pretend that your old clothes still fit. Unless she purposely bought those pants and thought she looked awesome. In which case, there is no hope. I CANNOT imagine how this chick couldn’t FEEL her ass hanging out to the bitter cold wind. Unless it was so chapped that you could have poked it with a pin without her feeling anything.
I was almost on the ground rolling watching people in their cars and on the sidewalk do double-takes and then attempt to go on about their business and hide their freaked-out expressions.
So people, before you go outside, remember to hike them damn pants up. And if you can slip a finger in your crack without pulling your pants down, please put on a new pair of pants. For all of our sakes.
I love Boston.
