Apr 17, 2012

Who Am I?

The following is from a blog I have followed for a long time. She wrote this about two years ago, and, although I have taken the small liberty of paraphrasing it slightly to better fit my situation, it is mostly worded so perfectly that there was no way I could even think of to improve upon it.

THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW. THIS is where I have become stuck. No matter how much work on my self that I feel like I am doing/have done, I always seem to end up back in this place. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS PLACE ANYMORE.

If I’m not taking care of my family, cooking, cleaning, wiping asses, scolding fresh mouthed teenagers, crying my eyes out, doubting my potential, wondering where my life is going, talking myself off ledges, justifying my actions, backtracking, loathing myself, questioning my heart, mucking through other peoples bullshit, harboring resentments, wasting my day away, gaining weight I can never lose, overdosing on all things bad for me, mothering, silently missing what could have been, beating myself up, pouring my heart out, closing my self off, cloaked in self pity, perfecting my instability, apologizing my feelings away, breaking promises, getting in over my head, juggling way too many responsibilities, hiding my true intentions, avoiding the task at hand, running for the door, ignoring my inner child, tossing and turning, dreaming with my eyes open, needing a break, looking for a quiet corner to lose my mind in, pretending everything is just fine, being shown the door, denying the obvious, becoming unrecognizable to myself, and hanging on to the slivers of my former self…THEN WHO THE FUCK AM I?

WLS was right for ME

Four months ago, I had weight loss surgery. Specifically, the Lap Band. I took a VERY long time to come to this decision. As in, 10+ YEARS worth of time, therapy, and medical and nutritional consultations. I have been overweight since I was 10 years old. I have been through every diet known to man. Lost weight. Gained it back plus some. Again. And again. I’ve been ridiculed. Shamed. Yelled at by people driving by in their cars. Laughed at. I’ve internalized EVERYTHING to the point where even now I blame myself for anything and everything that happens in my life, even things clearly beyond my control. I do not have much of a life at all. But four months ago I started the journey to truly start changing, from the inside out. I can’t say whether I will ever be there. I struggle every day. But *I* am worth trying.

Happily, I’ve been met mostly with support for my decision by those I’ve told. But not always. And I haven’t always been able to respond the way that I should to the nay-Sayers. So here is where I start.

I was told, “Oh you don’t need that, that should only be a last resort, you’re strong enough to do it on your own, you’ve lost weight before, you’re taking the easy way out, you just need to eat less, you’re a food addict.” My response: “Really? Well, thanks for thinking so, but I and my doctors disagree.”

Easy way out? So…if I needed cardiac bypass surgery or just had to live miserably and at risk of a heart attack or stroke, I should not take the medically proven treatment to get better? If I needed a kidney transplant, and one became available, I should not accept it because dialysis is fine and a transplant is the easy way out?

Many in our society see obesity as a sign of laziness, not as a medical condition. So, I don’t “deserve” to get well? I don’t deserve to get my blood pressure under control? Or my blood sugar? I don’t deserve to avoid losing limbs to diabetes?

Easy way out? I have to eat carefully for the rest of my life, or else I will be in extreme pain and/or vomit. I can never have a carbonated drink again. For the rest of my life, I will have an implanted medical device inside me that I need to be concerned about. See a surgeon several times a year. Have yearly tests to be sure all is well. So, by having major abdominal surgery, wrapping a ring around my upper stomach that will forever change my relationship with food and also change the relationships I have with the people I love, I have taken the easy way out? Cry me a fucking river.

Easy way out? Easy way out from what? Endless diet attempts that all end up in the same place, with me heavier that I was before it began? My joints hurting worse as I put more pressure on them? Taking medication for blood pressure?

I have currently lost 26 pounds since my surgery, bringing my total weight loss this time around to 70 pounds. I feel better. And this time I know this feeling will last. That’s the only thing that matters.

I say, it might not be the right choice for you, but after all my research and soul-searching, it was the right choice for ME. Thank you for your concern.