Since the pediatrician’s office has been closed all weekend and then again today for Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, I am going to be calling tomorrow to make an appointment for Gregory. So far, though, he seems fine. But I was talking to my mother (more on that in a moment) on the phone, and in mentioning it to her, we got to talking more in depth about that cousin of mine I had mentioned, Renée. It seems like, starting at the age of 8 (Gregory’s age now) she was having the SAME types of episodes, fainting, pulse racing, etc., and went to a battery of doctors before they figured out what was wrong and inserted the pacemaker. So this pretty much scares me, as it does indicate a family history. But I am still hopeful that it is just a fluke kind of thing, and all will be well.
Anyway, back to my mother. We have only been talking again for about 8 or 9 months, after 7 YEARS of not speaking. I am not going into the whole story here, if you really need to know, go into my Motherhood Musings section, I spelled it all out there. So anyway, since we have been talking again, we really have not delved into the reasons behind our not speaking. Probably for good reason. Well, the other night I guess she felt a need to talk about some things pertaining to her probationary period. As usual, she talked about them as if SHE were the victim (at least I know now where I learned how to do that so well…a well-learned habit is SO hard to break), and I am the one who has the power to pull her out of all her problems. Which I do NOT have. As far as I am aware, once a criminal judgement has been made and a sentence given, there isn’t anything the victim of the crime can do to lessen or “forgive” that charge, as she was saying I could. Am I wrong here? Does anyone know? How does it become “my” fault that SHE decided to forge my name on documents and get caught, merely because she thought she was “helping” me. And she had the nerve to say that she continued to pay Boston University for a third year (AFTER she KNEW I had dropped out) and that she never got any of the money from my annuity fund, when I have PROOF that she did. Huh????? To make a long story short, she managed to confuse me, enrage me, make me feel guilty, and make me cry, all in the space of 25 minutes. Some things never change I guess.
Which brings me to some tough self-examination. I am a manipulator. I am so subtle, sometimes I even miss it myself. This is something that I have observed in almost every woman in my family from the day I was born. And I learned it SO well. And I haven’t the faintest idea of how to go about UNlearning it. I always want things my way, even if I have to use force, guilt, or outright put-downs to get it. And I have done it with my own children. THAT is why I have decided to do this self-examination. Because I was brought up dealing with a manipulator. And it was much more pain than it was ever worth. And I don’t want my sons to go through the same kind of confusion and hurt that I did. So I figure even if I don’t know how to change it yet, maybe just ADMITTING it and being AWARE of it can be a first step.

Daily Affirmation:
“People are usually more convinced by reasons they discovered themselves than by those found out by others.” ~ Blaise Pascal

Penned by: Tricia | 2 Comments »