Daily Affirmation:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. ” ~ Carl Rogers
I have only one problem with this affirmation. I cannot accept myself. I don’t think I have ever been able to. There is always something wrong, something bad, something not quite good enough. And as much as I try and try to counteract those feelings, something comes along in my life and knocks me back down to the bottom. I am not strong. I am not resilient. It takes me a LONG time to climb out of the pit. And it is so easy for me to slide back in again. I don’t have a safety net.
And I am falling again.
I used to cut myself. With razors. I have never said this to anyone before, except my (now-ex) psychiatrist. I suppose it is easier to share with people I have never seen before, people who likely only have a passing interest in the saga that is me. I don’t have any horrid scars, I never was a deep cutter, I didn’t do it often. I guess maybe you could say I was just a scratcher. A deeply private one. So private that I never admitted this to ANYONE until I was 27 years old. And I had been doing it for years. Just enough to feel the physical pain, to cover up, deaden the spritual pain. I worked hard to stop doing this.
Now, I have…thoughts. Cutting thoughts. If I cut, just once, maybe I can release some of this agony building up inside me. If I don’t release it, I will explode. I will come apart. I will be undone. And I will not survive.
These thoughts scare the hell out of me. And I just don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to turn. My inner self is darkness. My outer self is becoming a lie. My life around me beyond my children is meaningless. I am reminded every day, when he stays out all night time and time and time again, how I am not wanted where I live, that I am no better than a maid and a babysitter, and that I have to sit and deal with it because I have nowhere else to go.
I am struggling.
I feel like I am losing.
Categories: Miscellany
3 Comments
Emerald Sky · January 15, 2002 at 12:34 am
Hang in there, hon! I’ll light a candle and offer up a prayer to the Goddess for you.
Lynn · January 15, 2002 at 5:31 am
These feelings of no self worth are serious stuff. I’ve been there, and as hard as it is to do, you have find strength within you, grab hold of it, no matter how small the spark may be, and don’t let go. I’m supposing that you may have tried meditation? Ask your favorite Goddess for guidance and for strength. She won’t let you down, if you believe!
I so wish I could help you, but even if we were in the same place, this something you have to do for yourself. Be strong, …. I’m watching …. {{hugs}}
Elizabeth · January 15, 2002 at 2:02 pm
The one and only person who will ever be your safety net all the time is you. Sad but true, as much as we want to be able to count on others, the time will always come when we have to turn inward. I agree with Lynn that this is something serious that only you can truly address. But … use your blog, talk to people, let people in and it will help. Write it all out. Online and off.
I’m here… I’m reading… and you, my dear are in my thoughts.
*hugs*
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