Reflections in the Night

Thank you to everyone who had such nice things to say about my Seven Wonders post. It was a refreshng exercise for me in looking at the positive side of life. It is something I do not do nearly often enough, and sometimes, in the midst of thinking about the negative, I forget that the positive is so very pervasive and fulfilling, and that even the negative things can sometimes contribute to the positive. I am going to try and remember that more often.
So…news from the homefront. Gregory went back to school yesterday after the extra-long school break of this year. I miss him, but it sure has been quiet during the day. :nyah: I bought a set of clippers and endeavored to cut both of my boys’ hair. Despite it being the very first time I tried, and having bought a crappy set of clippers (ugh), I think I actually did a halfway decent job. Gregory is usually very picky about his hair, and even he said he liked it, so I felt that was an accomplishment. Go me!
On a fantastic note, I am officially a peecee user now!! I don’t have my WHOLE new computer, but I have paid enough on it to convince the woman to give me the tower, keyboard, and mouse, which along with the NEC monitor I have now, I am able to utilize!! Man, this thing is FAST! I am in total nirvana. 800 megahertz, 40 gigabyte hard drive, 64 megabytes of memory (ok, I will need more, but it’s a lot more than I had before at this point heh). And oh, the things I can SEE….I must say, I don’t know how much I realized how differently my ancient Mac viewed some things online. Not a BAD thing, necessarily, but I certainly missed a lot. I can’t wait until the day I can afford to get an eMac, cause I am feening, but this little baby will do for now, especially when I finish paying for it and get that 17′ monitor that goes with it! Thank you AGAIN to everyone who donated something to help me realize this dream, I couldn’t have done it without you!
*sigh* One other thing going on is I told C I would set up a time to meet him so that he can see Donovan. As much as I feel like this is the ADULT thing to do, I am already regretting it. The man was never a parent before, what makes me think he will be one now? I feel like he is using Donovan to try to get to see me. I don’t know how to make it any clearer to him that I DON’T WANT HIM anymore, that I have someone else I am SO SO happy with. C will never change. He has already reverted back to putting me down just like always, and we have barely spoken. She asked me yesterday why I got in contact with him when I KNEW this about him. Why do I still feel tied to his opinion of me? I had to become brutally honest with myself. I needed to know just how my feelings stood regarding him. Needed to know if I was still weak. I still haven’t found out why I still care what he thinks about me. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of that habit I have of looking outside of myself for validation. Perhaps I can just use the knowledge to grow some more within myself, until that feeling, too, is gone. I am not proud that I faltered in this way, but I AM so glad that I found out that I am finally free of the crippling connection I had to him. I am no longer in love with him. I can see him clearly. And I know that I do not need him in my life just to be a father to my children. My kids would be better with a father, true, but they would NOT be better with a father who abuses them and their mother, and doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself. My kids deserve more than that. And so do I. And I have already made a step to receive better…MUCH better…for myself. And my children need me to take that step for them, as well.