New Year

So in my neck of the woods there are less than 2 hours left of 2004. It’s certainly been an interesting year, filled with lots of good things, such as getting my certificate in Computer Graphic Design with a straight 4.0 average all the way through and acquiring housing after being in a domestic violence homeless shelter for almost 2 1/2 years.
I also allowed myself to let go of my childhood view of my mother and start to be able to see her for the selfishly manipulative person that she is right now, and be okay with that and love her anyway, even if I cannot be close to her.
Not a bad year overall for personal growth, either. At least, I thought so until a few months ago.
How about New Year’s resolutions? Are you making any? Do you usually? Do you stick to them? I think this year I might skip the resolution thing. Or maybe just resolve to be a total bitch to everyone I see all year long, then when I try and fail miserably I might actually still feel good about it. :bigrin:
How is everyone’s New Year’s Eve turning out? It’s quiet here, the kids are watching Ghost In The Shell and looking like they may not make it to midnight, and this is yet another year for me that I have only the kids to spend New Year’s with. Not that they aren’t great. Just…adult company would be nice right about now. Adult company that doesn’t leave me feeling hollow and empty and filled with despair when it walks out the door.
(the rest is slightly depressing self-reflective stuff)

I am sitting here wondering if I am taking a backward slide into 2005. If old behaviors and thoughts are coming back to haunt me or help me.
A while ago I wrote an introspective about some things that I honestly thought I had dealt with and moved on from before. Boy, was I ever wrong.
I thought I had come to terms with the fact that no matter HOW much I love him, no matter HOW much I wish that things would be different between us, it will never happen. Why, then, did the same old hope build up once again? That hope may not have been sent to bed before, but it is there now. Like a long, red hot poker being skewered right through the heart of it. Of me. What I didn’t realize before, I definitely KNOW now. And now I know that I would never have been able to move beyond without REALLY realizing this. And it seems a bit disheartening (and unfair) that I now have to come to terms with this realization seemingly all over again, although this time, if I CAN come to terms with it, I have a feeling it will be a permanent thing…finally!
What I want will never be. Not only will it never be, there was never any chance of it being. He never wanted it. Ever. There is a chance that he feels a little something for me beyond a convenient sex partner and conversation sharer, but the chance feels pretty slim. After all these years, I really know nothing about him. No matter how well I know his soul, his thoughts, his feelings, there is no way for me to be let into his LIFE. It’s as if I am on the outside looking in to something I can never fully share, beseeching “Please, sir, can I have some more?”
How pathetic. So where do I go from here? How do I separate out my feelings from the relationship and just let it play out its naturally slow-dying course? Can I even do that? I am tired of cutting people out of my life completely as the only means of me dealing with things too painful otherwise. Tired of cutting off pieces of myself in order to heal. In the end it is totally counter-productive.
If I have any resolution this year at all, it is to remember past lessons learned in such hard ways, and to STOP REPEATING THE SAME THINGS over and over and over.
To stop letting him into yet another place in my heart that will only need to be cut out later, leaving me with less and less to give to anyone else.
And to start trying to think that there CAN be someone else.
However, I prefer to attempt to enter this year without expectations, resolutions, or great hopes. To just take what comes, and let go of the rest. Happy New Year. 🙂