It’s my 100th Time!

Wow, I went to click on the “Create New Entry” link in good old MT, and saw that this is my 100th post. This might not mean a lot to some of you more prolifically verbal people out there, but for me, this is a pretty big thing. I never thought I would still be at this for so long when I first started this “weblog” thing. Honestly, I really started this to be more a part of the “in” crowd, doing what everyone else was doing, and it felt shallow even to myself when I started. But I really have grown to love this new form of self-expression. It has kept me sane, kept me connected, kept me from falling off the edge.
I wish I had something a bit more compelling to talk about for this event, but as I was telling Kari earlier on the phone, it seems like the only thing I have been talking about lately is how crappy my life is, and how crappy I feel about it. People have enough problems without having to come here and read about mine. Especially when most of mine are my own fault.
I DO have opinions and things to say about things like current events and religion and even sports, but I feel like my skills in talking about these things have rusted over, because it has been so long since I actually talked about any of these things with anyone else. C refuses to discuss ANYTHING where there is any possibility of someone disagreeing with him, even if only in a friendly debate, and H just talks over top of me with her own opinion and I can’t even get mine in. And those are pretty much the people I have contact with. So, here is a question. How does one begin to get their communication and debating skills back after having them lie dormant for so many years? And who could I even practice on? I had hoped that people would come to my forums and maybe I could talk there, but so far they are pretty much dead. And I get so nervous about just going to another forum or to someone’s site and stating my opinion or offering feedback. I tried to do so recently and got blasted out of the water. Before, this would never bother me. Now, it causes me to retreat right back into my shell, and I have an even harder time pushing myself back out to try again each time it happens.
When did I become so anxious? I have always been the shy, retiring type, but I could at least go out there and do what I had to. Now, I would rather sit in the house and hide. I have done so much soul-searching lately, but I feel like I am not finding anything. Like, I have hidden “me” so well from myself and the world than I can’t even find myself. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I can do this. I wish it would all just go away. I try to gather strength from my kids, but sometimes I find myself almost resenting them. How nonsensical is that? They didn’t ASK to be here, they didn’t CHOOSE to be in this situation. I DID.
But pretty soon, it looks as though the decision will be taken out of my hands after all. C hasn’t paid the rent yet this month, and we received our eviction notice last week. He refuses to tell me what is going on, and he won’t take any money from me to help. He says “That’s not nearly enough.” Well, of course, I know that. But, gee, I thought I would offer, and maybe with what we have combined the rent could at least be paid. He is always putting me down because I don’t contribute to the rent, even though I pay for the food and for everything related to the kids. He isn’t interested. He doesn’t seem to comprehend or care that these children are in imminent danger of being tossed out into the streets because of HIM. He has essentially left us, in any case, seeing as how he doesn’t come home anymore except to shower and change every day or two.
So…what am I going to do? And what buttons do I have to push within myself to get me to stop taking this crap and just get up and do what I need to? I know no one has the answer. I just thought maybe typing it out for me to see for myself might help. We’ll see. :frazzled: