I wish I knew what to even write here. My life is so very un-interesting that the very thought of putting it all down in writing makes my mind go numb. And the fact that I hate reading other people’s constant “I got up, I ate this, I peed, I had sex, I went and looked at all these stupid sites online, I went to the mall, can you believe this?, I went to bed, blah, blah.” OK, so that was not meant to be a put-down to those types of blogs, some people enjoy writing that way and many more others enjoying reading them. I am just not one of them, I guess. And the only othewr things I ever can think of to write are just endless complaints and botches that sound ridiculous as soon as I finish writing them down. Although that is probably the point of writing them down, in a sense, To put things in perspective. To turn things that seem so big and insurmountable into something much more easily dealt with. So maybe the occasional whining tirade would be theraputic. LoL, but I guess I just keep thinking aboutbthe audience. No matter how much I say this is only for me, well…..I put it here, don’t I? For people to see. Not that anyone really reads this, but the possibility is there. It’s kind of like Kindred. You are anonymous, you are pretty sure no one knows who you are, but you still feel like you are on display, like no one will like you, palms sweaty as you get ready to hit that “add this entry” button. I feel like that all the time. Not just online. I feel like everywhere I go, everything I do, someone is watching me, judging me, talking about me. Why the hell do I care?? Honestly, I have no idea. In my heart I KNOW I shouldn’t give a crap what anyone thinks, but my mind persists. I think some of it stems from HIM, how he always watches me and makes me feel like everything I do isn’t good enough, that I should be better than I am in order to be with him. Then I see how low I have allowed him to bring me, and I feel even worse. I am trying to get better, trying to make him not matter, and it IS getting better, but it is still an uphill battle. Especially since I am stuck here for the time being. It is harder when it is happening all in your face every day, I think. But I keep looking at my balance grow larger in my account, and I keep trying to look ahead to the time when I WON’T have to deal with him, or with anyone, and it gets easier. So now I need to learn how to transfer this “better” feeling onto other people, so I don’t care what the hell THEY think, either. LoL
Categories: Miscellany