“Remember this – that very little is needed to make a happy life.” ~ Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
I wish I could say that today’s affirmation made me feel better. It didn’t. I’m tired. Tired of being lonely. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being STUCK. Tired of trying to figure out how the hell to get UNstuck. And today I think I am tired of being a mother. Am I allowed to feel that way? I don’t know, but I am. Took the boys to the mall today, thought it would be a special treat before I start watching Anthony on Monday again, and don’t have too much time. I know Gregory LOVES the arcade there. So we go, on the bus, thank goodness it wasn’t too cold, takes about an hour and a half to get there. Things going fine, eat lunch at Friendy’s, kids have their ice cream, Donovan gets to ride on a few little kiddie rides they have. Then off to the arcade. I give Gregory five dollars. You get 24 tokens for that, so that’s four free. Should darn well be plenty. So of course I end up giving him a few more dollars. LoL. But anyways, he gets a bunch of those tickets you can turn in for prizes, and gets a pair of googly-eyed glasses and this cute little keychain with a light saber that lights up and makes a laser noise when you push the button.
OK, so I TELL Gregory NOT to give the googly-eyed glasses to Donovan. Because of the springs, and because I KNEW Donovan would mess them up. He is predictable like that. So, we are picking up a pair of boots for Gregory, and as I am looking around to see if there might be anything else, what does he do? Give the damn glasses to Donovan. What does Donovan do? Break them. All written in the laws of life. LoL. So Gregory, my little drama king, makes a big show of sighing, blaming, complaining, and then trying to fix the darn things, all the way to the other side of the mall where we have to catch the bus to go home. He can’t fix them. He throws them on the floor. I pick them up, and throw them in the garbage. HELL yeah I do…that is our rule, and he KNOWS it. You throw a tantrum, throw something on the floor because you decide you are mad, it’s MINE. And I will put it in the garbage. End. So. My eight-year-old-third-grader child. CRIES. LOUDLY. On the FLOOR. For TEN minutes. Will NOT get up. All hunched up like he lost his freaking mind. Over a cheap plastic pair of novelty glasses. So I am basically ignoring him while I am getting Donovan ready to go outside. Then I give Gregory his coat, put my own coat on, and head out the door. (The doors are glass, and I am only going to stand right there at the bus stop, don’t y’all go having heart attacks on me that I’m all leaving my child lmao) So he comes out, the bus comes, we get on. He is STILL crying. Good grief. I REFUSE to over-analyze this crap, like, “Oh, what are the underlying reasons of his crying? blah blah blah” HELL no. He has a home, he eats, he has clothes, he has toys, he has a brother, he gets hugs, he gets heart-to-heart talks, he does well in a top-notch school system. He was crying because he thought it would make me feel sorry for him, and give in to whatever it was that he wanted, which was probably to go back to the arcade and try to get another pair of those stupid glasses. HA! It may have taken me a LONG time to learn, but after seeing this today, I feel like I have been skating on the verge of raising a completely spoiled BRAT. Now, granted, MOST of the time (like 91%), he is a really great kid. But he gets these damn moods…..must come from being born on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus…everything is someone else’s fault….and everything consists of DRAMA. Damn. I can’t get AWAY from drama. On the net. At home. With my kids. LMAO. I mean, he has been throwing himself on the floor ever since he could stand up. In first grade, this was one of his biggest issues in school. FIRST GRADE! Throwing himself on the floor when he didn’t get his way, or when someone tried to guide him along when he didn’t want to MOVE when he was told to. Making like someone pushed him. Yelling “Stop PUSHING me!” *sigh* I CAN’T and WON’T beat him, I have tried talking, I have tried cajoling, I have tried encouraging, I have tried yelling, I have tried ignoring, I have tried taking away privileges….anyone have any OTHER suggestions? Help? Snide remarks about my crappy parenting? LoL.
Anyway, I guess my point today is I am just tired. I wish I could just get a little break. ONE day all to myself. Wishful thinking……
Lynn · January 6, 2002 at 7:41 am
I remember those days SO vividly, even though they were like 15 years ago or so. I remember thinking, WHY? I too would never give in to the dramas (and there were more than just a few), … The little “fits” that were thrown only served to strenghthen my resolve not to give in. I too would walk away, and people would look at me as though I didn’t give a crap about my kids … sigh.
So long ago, ….
When you least expect it you have a few moments to yourself, so be ready ….. what will you do with them … ? *smile* Single parenting (for me) sucks!
Kari · January 6, 2002 at 3:14 pm
So you told me to come here and comment in so many words…but i didn’t realize that i would read an entry that was so totally about ME. How embarrassin. I, am a taurus. I am stubborn…and spoiled and a big huge brat. I hate bein pushed into doin something and I am dramatic as hell. With that said I’m going to leave… because I know you’re lookin at me and picturin your son as a female me and probably crying. I don’t blame you. I wish I had good things to say to you. Unfortunately there are none.
Tricia · January 6, 2002 at 3:30 pm
Kari…you are a straight up certifiable nut. LMAO!!!!!
And Lynn…thanks for the encouragement…I can look forward to the days when THESE days are finally over lol. As far as what would I do if I DID have some time? Hmmmm…good question…have to get back to you on that one.
Emerald Sky · January 6, 2002 at 9:15 pm
Oh sister, I KNOW what you’re going through! I had a tough “kid” day too. Must be the phase of the moon or something. LOL. Good for you for sticking to your guns. It’s hard isn’t it?! Have you tried an exorcism – LOL!!! (Totally joking!) Some days I feel like that’s all that would work.
I can totally relate to just wanting a day to myself sans kids! They’re great, but once in awhile I’d just like to do some yoga or meditate or create sacred space without interruption!
Hang in there! You’re doing a great job! 🙂
Tashia · January 7, 2002 at 11:49 am
You know I know all about this gurl. You gotta laugh though to keep from cryin’…or possibly killin’. 🙁
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