I just wanted to express my heartfelt gratitude for the many kind words (and phone calls lol) I received after my previous post. I never meant to alarm anyone. I am going through a very dark time, and when I made that post it felt as though writing about it was the only way I had of expressing some of how I was feeling. I don’t want anyone to figure this out for me, I don’t know if I could take any advice right now, I just wanted someone to listen. That’s all. I needed to know that somewhere, someone was just…listening.
I think part of the problem is that I am literally starving for human touch. Not that I don’t have the boys, and I swear sometimes they think I am smothering with the way I am alway hugging them and patting them, but I guess I am needing more. I don’t even necessarily mean “touch” in any sexual way either. Just…touch. A hug. A pat on the back. A comforting squeeze of the hand. The things I haven’t gotten in SO long. The things I would grovel on the ground for if they were so much as offered. I broke down and cried yesterday. I don’t know why really. I haven’t cried in months. But I brought the babies home from playgroup, and since Donovan was sleeping, I left him in the stroller, and took Anthony into the kids’ room. Then I closed the door, sat down, and burst out crying. HE was sitting in the living room at his computer, as he had the day off. Never asked what was wrong. Never even acknowledged the fact that I had cried. I remember now why I haven’t cried in so long. Because of this. He doesn’t care if I cry. Not that I NEED someone to care, or to offer me a hug, but, after a while, you learn. What’s the point of crying? It just makes me feel worse because no one cares if I do or not. He doesn’t want to listen. He doesn’t want to comfort me. It probably annoys him. I am working on getting over that, I know it shouldn’t matter, because that is HIS selfishness talking, but it still hurts me very deeply. More deeply than I have allowed myself to admit. I try to walk around, putting up a tough front, talking my shit about him, trying to force myself to anger…..then late at night, when I am lying all alone in that bed yet again…I hurt.
And I just need someone to listen.
Daily Affirmation:
You are the only person on earth who can use your ability. ~ Zig Ziglar

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Categories: Miscellany


Lynn · January 17, 2002 at 8:05 am

I don’t know what to say except that I am a loyal reader ….. I care.

Rikki · January 18, 2002 at 11:11 pm

I have BEEN there. and I FEEL your pain. I don’t know what advice to give you, but just know that I empathize. MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

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