I haven’t felt like posting. Haven’t even felt like being online. In fact, I am seriously thinking about closing up this portion of my site. I don’t even have any idea why the fuck I started this whole weblog thing. To be like everyone else? To be in the “in” crowd? Like that is ever going to happen. I am no writer. I look back over my entries sometimes and I just want to puke. What self-effacing twaddle. I am really fooling myself if I think I have anything interesting to say. I am just another psychologically and emotionally abused woman who can’t tell her ass from the way out, so she continually puts her head back up her ass. And despite people trying to help me, I STILL choose to be here. CHOOSE. Because I can’t see any way out. Or I don’t want to? Maybe I LIKE being the victim, eliciting sympathy from every corner, only to be found out to be a fucking loser with no intention of accepting anyone’s good wishes or advice or suggestions? So why the hell SHOULD anyone care? Why should they care that Corey is out “playing pool” tonight, but happened to leave his pool stick in the fucking closet? Why should they care that I am unhappy, that my kids are being affected by this mess, that I can’t sleep at night anymore, that I want to die every fucking pathetic day of my life, but am too much of a damn coward to just do it? If my sons grow up to hate me for making them go through this, then I will fully deserve it. And still all I can do is sit here in my shit and be reminded every day of what an asshole I am. And I am delusional if I think anyone cares to hear about that. So, I think I will no longer subject you to boring pre-made memes found at every site, or little “woe-is-me” tirades of little worth and even less charm. The rest of my site will remain, and I will just concentrate on that. If I even feel like it.
This is an essay I wrote many years ago. It’s probably due for an update, but the majority of it still rings true for me. I held my baby in my arms and stroked his Read more…
lynn · April 10, 2002 at 10:14 pm
omg Tricia no!! Please don’t stop writing.. or at least consider it before you stop.. I can’t speak for anyone else.. but I would definately miss you.
Emerald Sky · April 11, 2002 at 12:54 am
If you quit, I’m quitting too.
Seriously, Trisha, you have to do what’s right for you, but I would really miss reading your stuff. Hang in there kiddo. We love you.
Shunda · April 11, 2002 at 2:19 am
Tricia no! I just found your site. I do agree that you have to do what’s best for you, but I like your writing, and I think it would be good for you to keep a journal, even if it’s not online. Just take care of yourself and your kids, k?
Rose · April 11, 2002 at 7:37 am
I understand what you are going through, and I realize that you have to, and will do what you NEED to do.
But I’ve said this before, you possess I talent that I am truly envious of. Your writing. We talked about it the other night.
Why not take a break from the journal portion of your site for a while. I’m reluctant to encourage you to drop it all together…
holla if your in need beautiful! I’m not far away..
Gina · April 11, 2002 at 9:54 am
can’t write? ok…but I’ll remind you that your piece of the storygoround was awesome!
I shared this with CC yesterday, now I share it with you:
“…for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.”
– from the Charge of the Goddess
Phira · April 11, 2002 at 1:22 pm
Can’t write huh?
I’d say you pretty much summed up how many of us feel on any give day of the week, month or year. Tricia the difference is, you have the COURAGE to actually voice your disgust with life, with yourself and with the whole damn world and you place it out in the open for everyone to see. That does take courage. Sure you hate your life and I know you have remained in a shitty place for longer that you intended too, maybe there is a reason for that. Only you know what that reason is.. Think about this.. use your writings to vent, to find strength or whatever the case may be.. but don’t give up and don’t let some none pool stick carrying mofo get the best of you.
You got friends girl… if you need help all you need do is ask for it..
Romel · April 11, 2002 at 2:04 pm
Please Tricia you know in your soul you are a very damn good writer..hell im trying to follow in your footsteps [walks behind you].Things can seem bleek but are really opening doors..may not seem that way now but trust me.And wasn’t when shyt was dropping on my head you told me not to leave..to stick it out cause you was still of fan.That i would make the “few” people who do come to my site unhappy.Now would you want to make your fans and me for that matter unhappy.We all love you and care about you…if we didn’t we would block ya pretty ass on aim and not talk to you or even come here and tell you how much we like your stuff and you.Things can be bad but one must look onward i know its hard ma but try..if you need to talk im here for you.
hoopty · April 11, 2002 at 2:20 pm
okay…..go ahead and post again, Tricia.
Sue · April 11, 2002 at 3:19 pm
bran-O-phelia · April 11, 2002 at 11:24 pm
hey. it’s okay. let it all out, and then come back to us. we need you. at least come back to check your comments and mails. breathe in…you can feel whatever you need to. take a day or two to find your strength… but come back. it’s imperative you come back.
Kari · April 12, 2002 at 12:03 am
arg. u know how i am. so while everyone is giving you hugs i wanna kick your ass.
yeah… it’s my funny way of showin love. kinda how you say you love US then leave…see the similarity?
i heard mary j blige say tonight (on life time no less) that she couldn’t feel any love once apon a time cuz she had no love for herself. wherever you go and for however long, i hope you find then soak daily in SELF LOVE so when you come back you can feel how others love you. You will never see it till you do.
bran-O-phelia · April 12, 2002 at 4:06 pm
well said, Kari. miss you girl. (both of you’s)
lynn · April 12, 2002 at 5:54 pm
are you alive out there Tricia?
Tashia · April 13, 2002 at 9:52 am
I totally agree with Kari also. You are my gurly Tricia and you know how I am too. I believe in tough love so I may have to kick your ass also. We have had so many talks gurl and I have told you on numerous occasions to stop puttin’ yourself down. You are not a loser and everytime I hear you say that or anythang negative about yourself it pisses me off. Damn Tricia. Stop it!!! You are beautiful gurl and don’t allow anyone or anythang make you believe otherwise. But if you believe that you are this pathetic, pitiful loser then people are only gonna get to see that negativity. Ya gotta be more positive Tricia. I know you pretty damn well and you are smart, carin’, lovable, sweet, etc.. I wanna call u right now but I am not sure if you feel up to talkin’. Don’t wanna impose or anythang. So if u wanna talk, email me and tell me to call you. K? But seriously Tricia you may not wanna hear this but you gotta get a hold of yourself. You got kids who need you. And you got all these people who truly care for you and are concerned about your well bein’. Please don’t make me get ganXtah on ya ok? LOL..*muah*
Comments are closed.