First of all, I heartily apologize to anyone I worried, confused, exasperated, irritated, or otherwise annoyed with my last post. For those who wrote comments and/or e-mailed me, thank you, and I appreciate it, and if I don’t answer you directly right away, it is nothing personal. I don’t really have any explanation for it, other than the fact that, after my head cleared, I am positive that this was NOT an attention-seeking stunt for me. Some of you may not believe that, but *I* know it, and it’s all that matters to me right now. I barely remember even typing the words.
Lately so many feelings are coming to the surface in waves, tidal waves, veritable tsunamis of feelings that I cannot contain behind the tight wall of my mind. If the feelings don’t come out one way, in a safe, relatively non-destructive way like writing, or walking, they come out another way, like self-cutting or other self-abuse, or even attempted suicide (I haven’t done that one in years, so there really isn’t much need to worry about it). I drilled myself so long to NOT do the self-destructive things that it ALMOST always works.
I guess I have taken to writing the things here because I don’t feel safe at ALL expressing my feelings here in my real life. I get told I am silly, ridiculous, it’s all my fault that I feel this way, I don’t really feel this way, I should feel this other way instead, I HAVE to get THIS kind of help NOW. It all serves to push me further inside my shell rather than helping me come out. When I write here, I am sure most people are thinking the same things, but I can turn off the computer and escape it. I can’t do that with my life. I don’t even get so much as a 5-minute pee break to myself. Someone always wants something, needs something from me.
But it is getting to the point where I am giving so much and getting back so much less that the barrel is emptying faster than my current extremely meager self-worth can refill it, and I can’t seem to stop the madness. And I am afraid. And up until now I couldn’t quite figure out why.
Bran said something in her blog the other day that hit me like a ton of bricks. About taking medication. And the “flat” feeling it gives you. Like, you don’t feel really bad, but you don’t feel really good, either. I know the time is fast approaching when I will need medication again. But I think it is that weird flat feeling that is subconsciously stopping me. Like, I want to feel better, but I don’t want to lose the few good feelings I do have.
I think this is all part of the reason I have been putting off Donovan’s weaning for so long. I mean, partly, I don’t know if he will be my last child or not, so I wanted to prolong this most precious of mother-child bonds, but also for purely selfish reasons. When I am pregnant and/or nursing, I feel the BEST I have ever felt in my life. Whatever hormones are released within me at those times have never been able to be duplicated by any medication. And around two months ago, when Donovan first started to self-wean and dropped his nursing time dramatically, I began to feel the effects almost immediately. In fact, I think that might be around the time I took my first “break” from here. Then Donovan got sick and needed “boo-boo” again to help him through, and I felt better again. So now we are once again serious about ending nursing, and the scales tip once again. And I have been putting off making an appointment to be put back on medication. And putting it off.
In fact, I haven’t even seen a counselor since I was pregnant. Maybe I was getting too close to being “better.” I am not sure I would know how to be myself if I felt better. I have spent so long, so many years, as long as I can remember, being this way, that to feel better might be to become a different person altogether. And if I don’t like THIS person, how in the world could I like a different person? Of course, that whole thing is probably ridiculous, but it is how my mind starts working when things get too close for comfort. Irrational thought. Self-destructive behavior. Avoidance. Anxiety. Ugh. Which, of course, are all classic reasons for medication. Someone call the doctor for me? OK, I’m kidding. Maybe.
But now I need to go, because earlier Donovan was sweet enough to throw up on my pants, and now he is looking at me like he thinks a third outfit might look good on me. After all, it’s only 9:30am.

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Categories: Miscellany


bran-O-phelia · April 13, 2002 at 12:44 pm

well, you know what? you can say whatever you need to hear, and lots of people will listen without offering up advice or telling you which way to go. you can feel whatever you feel, and let it all out here. it’s ok. there are so many of us on the web now…people going through traumas and depressions. call us abnormal freaks if you like, but at least we are kind and know how to really listen to each other. so…i’m here to listen. Alex listens. lots of us listen. we’ve been through and are going through the same stuff, and we also know one thing–one very important thing: even if you think you know what the other person is going through or is feeling, even if you think you know the solution or what’s right for that person, even if you believe you know the answers because you met so-and-so who had this or saw this tv program or read that; you don’t know. the worst thing you can do to a person who is struggling is dole out advice based on your own beliefs and biases. sometimes, a person just needs to work through it all on her own. that person is capable of doing things for herself. he/she does not need outside parties telling her/him to seek treatment, to “brush it off”, to “get over it”, or otherwise. we understand–lots of us–that the best thing you can do is listen.
…and shut up when you’ve posted a mini-novel in someone else’s comments. (hehe…)

lynn · April 13, 2002 at 3:11 pm

glad to see you back 🙂

Kari · April 13, 2002 at 11:17 pm

wow. Now this is what I like to see. I was hopin that you would have a clear head then come back. I guess sometimes we who go with you on your journey (and those you accompany on theirs) sometimes just gotta believe you will find your way back.
Now then, medication. I think if medication makes you feel “flat” then you probably are takin the wrong shit. I know that my “craziness” makes me feel somehow connected. I feel even though I am in pain – “alive”. So I think I know what you are referrin to. BUT, I have to say…my fear about taking medication was my fear, too of feeling “better”. Depression is addicting. The feeling of darkness and isolation feels “safe”. So my fear about medication was not that it would “tame” me as much as it would help in healing me and I’d have to leave my cocoon of safety. At any rate, you know my auntie is a psychiatrist who treats many a person with depression (including yours truly thought it’s not ah, “ethical”…but she does give good feed back on a lot of the medication) so if you need any feedback or wanna run somethin by her in terms of medication and ones that would be less likely to leave you “flat” let me know.
I suppose I could have written this all in a email. *sigh*. Well, I don’t write comments in here enough. Here’s a long one to make up for it.
Love you.

Emerald Sky · April 14, 2002 at 12:58 am

I’m glad you’re back too, Trisha. I went through the same type of thing after I had Emily, only I didn’t feel good even when I was nursing. I *didn’t* want to quit nursing though. I think sometimes when you feel so sh!tty (at least for me) you don’t realize how awful you really are and how immobile you’ve become. I knew I was miserable, but I didn’t exactly know how to take that first step to get help. When I finally *did* get back on medication I was kicking myself in the arse for waiting so long. Go! Go now! Go feel better! 🙂 Good luck!

hoopty · April 14, 2002 at 2:40 am

Now we’re talking. Good. Lemme just say:

Tricia · April 15, 2002 at 8:55 am

LMFAO@barfbaby. You are sick, Mike, I tell ya. I am going to make you come over and clean this carpet. hehehehehehehe.
And to everyone else….all I can say is thank you. Your words mean more than you can possibly know…

Christy · April 15, 2002 at 10:54 am

Been there and done that Tricia! I had to stop nursing my son at 3 months in order to get on medication because I was crying everyday and when I wasn’t crying I was yelling at the kids. I had postpartum depression coupled with my normal ADD and that wasn’t a good mix. I am now on Zoloft and Wellbutrin and I tell you that was the best thing I ever did. It is true about not feeling much of anything but htat is better than being sad and depressed all the time. I am praying for you!

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