I’ve been thinking a lot lately about friendship, and all the many different forms it can take in our lives, and how I feel about some of those forms. Yes, there was something that happened that brought this rumination on, but more on that in a moment.
We all know them, we all have them. When you have money or something else that they want, or when you are in a happy-party mood, these friends are great to have around. They act like your closest pal. But the second they ask to borrow some money or whatnot, and you proclaim you have none, watch how quickly they fade into the walls. Like cockroaches. And don’t ever get depressed or feel unhappy. You are pretty much guaranteed never to see them again. Now, I can understand backing off if things get uncomfortable for you, and watching and/or giving support from afar. I think we all need to do that sometimes with some of our friends. So I’m not talking about those kinds of situations. I had a friend once that faded away when I was going through a very dark time, and had to live in a homeless shelter for a while with Gregory. This was shortly after the incident with my mother, and I was due to receive the rest of my money that was left, but not for about 6 months. When I finally was able to leave the shelter, and get my own apartment, I still did not hear from this person. Wouldn’t you know it, not even 3 DAYS after I received the money I had been waiting for, who do you think calls? And not to chat or see me. But to borrow $200. Nice. I wouldn’t give that person any money if they licked my left nipple to get it.
The older I get, the more immature and silly and “middle-school-ish” this whole “best” friend thing seems. But maybe I am bitter. I have never had a TRUE best friend. At least, not anyone that ALSO thought I was THEIR best friend. But now, I don’t even know if I would want to be constrained to just one “best” friend. No one person is best at anything, in any case. Everyone has fights, tiffs, arguments, disagreements, whatever you want to call them, and how tedious it must be to demote and promote said friend over and over again every time one of those unfortunate events occurs. *chuckle* So, anyway, my take on the whole thing is… I have FRIENDS. I have good friends, I have a very few, and maybe even just one, very close friends, I have close acquaintances, and not so close ones. But they all fall under that one category, or “label,” if you will, of friends. And I love each and every one of them, not only for who they are, but for how they fit into my tapestry of life.
This is an interesting category. Full of fly-by-night one-comment-wonders; people who link and unlink you on a whim using their own unfathomable rating of your “net-coolness-factor;” people who link or unlink you based on who else has you linked; people you chat with and find a real connection with for days or even weeks, who then proceed to disappear into the plasma of the internet fabric, never to be seen or heard from again; people you get close to, then find out everything they told you was all a big lie, some pathetic kind of game to them; people who get close to you then proceed to turn around and tell all of your other friends all of your secrets, and try to turn everyone against you. Then there are the real gems. The true friends. If you blink, you will miss their passing. Hold on tight, don’t let go, and treasure them. I have met every one of these types of i-net people in my six years online, but the gems, few and far between thought they may be, far outweigh the others. I have even been lucky enough to still know and be friends with two people I met wayyyyy back in 1996, in my AOHell days. We might lose touch every now and then, but we always seem to find a way to each other. I also have awesome friends from IRC that I have known for years, who for the most part seem to be devoid of much of the “drama” that goes on in other parts of this little world. Then there are all the new friends I have been meeting in recent months, who have managed to restore some of my faith in friendship. And I look forward to many more years of getting to know these beautiful people.
Ah. Here we come to the crux of this essay. I found a great little site today over at Sed.Non.Satiata. Go visit her, she has some very succinct things to say about a variety of subjects, but one thing jumped out at me as I was reading:
As I was saying I have quite a few male friends, really close friends, close as in we tell each other everything close, hang out all the time close, would do anything for each other close. We’re, you know, FRIENDS. And then they either get a girlfriend or their current girlfriend gets jealous and the next thing you know, suddenly, usually without warning, you’re not friends anymore.
I understand when people don’t have anything in common anymore and they just kinda stop hanging out. That doesn’t even phase me. But this…this is insulting.
My question is this: Was I just a surragate girlfriend? Someone to provide them with all the female things until someone came along that they wanted have sex with and then I became useless?
Wow. Get out of my head, girl. I’ve never really been pretty enough or interesting enough or thin enough to seriously hold anyone’s interest for long romantically. But I suppose I am funny, and I am a really good listener, so people, especially guys, kind of gravitate towards me as a friend. I am safe. There is no need to impress me, they think I am probably happy for any attention they give me. Then, poof, they get that bombshell of their dreams, and it’s like I was tossed into the wind like yesterday’s garbage. There have been times when I didn’t even know about a new girlfriend for literally months. And I am always happy for them, so why the secrecy? Most times, I know damn well they aren’t interested in me that way, anyway. So I very much feel like I am a substitute for female conversation or companionship or whatever until they can find something they really like. And most of the time they don’t even have the balls or the kindness to let me know the deal from their own mouths. I am left to assume and watch their actions and end up feeling like shit. Then, when that girlfriend goes their separate way, back the “friend” comes like nothing ever happened. And that’s another thing. Should you ever have a sexual relationship with someone who you KNOW damn well will probably never be anything but a friend? And then continue to do so after you develop feelings for them, and STILL know they don’t and won’t ever return those feelings, but won’t ever bother to tell you, because they are enjoying their free nookie until they find someone better? Yeah. I have been that stupid. I used to think it wasn’t a big deal. Now, I think maybe if you allow that to happen, you have ruined a great friendship before it ever even has a chance to get off the ground, and maybe there isn’t any way to retrieve it. Especially not without talking.
So um…..there is my a small section of my book on friendship. I guess I had a bit more to say than I thought. If you read to this point, I applaud you. Now go give your friends a hug. :hello: