This is going to be a monumentally whiny rant, so feel free to just skip it by if you like. I just need to put some of this outside of myself before I explode.
C hasn’t been home other than to shower and change clothes since Thursday morning. I have had enough. I can’t keep letting him embarrass, humiliate, and step on me and these kids any longer. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. The problem is how do I start picking them up? How do I put them back together when the piece that for the past five and a half years has been one of the biggest is gone? And why do I even allow myself to care anymore when it is so obvious that he has no thoughts for any of us at all? When he would rather lie and cheat and revel in depravity than take his only son to the park, or anywhere at all. When he can’t even be bothered to look for a decent job after being fired from the one he had for pulling a knife out on a customer almost THREE months ago. When he asks ME for money so he can get gas to drive to wherever the hell it is he spends every night. It hurts my heart to watch my little baby be so used to his father leaving and staying away all the time and never taking him anywhere that when he leaves the house, this same baby just kind of looks up and goes “Bye,” and then turns back to whatever he was doing without another glance.
What is so broken and bent within myself that I can sit here and allow this to happen to me with hardly a word of protest? I don’t know what else to do, I have nowhere to go, no place to stay, no money, no job, nothing. And I am so afraid. Sometimes in the middle of the night I search desperately around my house for pills strong enough to allow me to go to sleep and never have this fear again. And sometimes I am afraid one day I will find them. Sometimes I feel like my sons deserve better than to have me as their mother. They need someone who can take care of them, who can give them an environment where they are loved and cherished by EVERYONE around them, where they are never tossed aside like used garbage whenever HE decides he would rather go out.
I am afraid that if I leave here, someone will see that I can’t take care of these kids, and take them away from me. And they are all I have to live for anymore.
Most days I feel like there is never going to be anything that will snap me out of this half-comatose state I have fallen into. There is nothing worse he can do to me, and yet still I stay. Maybe I deserve to be here.

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Categories: Miscellany


lynn · April 28, 2002 at 1:29 pm

The hell you deserve to be there.. to be in any of that madness. I’m sure many people have said.. just leave.. and I know it’s hard.. but girl.. you have got to get out of that situation for you AND your kids. Do you have any family near you that you can ask for help?

Phira · April 28, 2002 at 3:35 pm

As someone who is used to moving from place to place, all it takes is that first step Tricia. You know I have lived EVERYWHERE just to find the place that feels like home. It’s scary everytime I move, but I do it anyway because I know any place is better than where I was. It can be hard when you have children but Nate has it in his head that each move is an adventure. New places, new people, new friends, until we pick up and leave again. You’d be surprised how many GOOD people are out there to help you when you hit rock bottom with no food and no rent money. It’s amazing how many online “friends” help you out when you need them. The countless number of people who scolded me for having pride when I had to think of my child FIRST and foremost.
It’s funny that I read your blog today. I’m moving again in December after I graduate back to Austin I go, and it’s for good this time. I believe I truly have found my true home.
Anyway, this is not about my nomadic wanderings around the U.S. Tricia if you ever need a place to stay, my door is open, sure it’s 100’s of miles away, but it’s OPEN and you are welcome to stay with me anytime.
Love ya girl!

bran-O-phelia · April 28, 2002 at 11:29 pm

i’m with lynn. and i second what phira said, that when it comes to moving it only takes that first step. but i realize, too, that these are just words and thoughts, and can’t be very comforting to you in your time of need. i wish there were something we could do–your friends. sometimes i forget we don’t all live in the same place. my immediate thought was, “she could stay in the guest room and her boys could have Phoebe’s room for a while!” but alas… how close are you to upstate NY? 😉
it is scary, leaving it all behind and walking on. the unknown is more terrifying than the abuse you live through. that’s why women never leave their spouses/partners–because it takes more than just the decision to go. you will definitely need a support network. start by gathering people close to you; in your darkest hours they will be there to hold you and comfort you through it. there will be dark times ahead, and you know this. but you’ve got to start small. start by looking through the want-ads; don’t act on them, just look. call on family members if you have them. and remember that we are always here on the interneck, always willing to listen and do what we can to help. if need be, we’ll set up a paypal account for you and the boys for donations, until you get back on your feet. (it’s an idea.) just don’t give up. hang in there. there are people who love you from afar. you are a gift to us.

lynn · April 29, 2002 at 3:16 am

i think that’s a great idea Bran!!!

Gina · April 29, 2002 at 3:32 pm

hey…i’m with lynn…plus…well, jumping into the void is really really really really really hard…believe me, I know…I just confronted my mom about certain issues, and in a lot of ways i feel empowered, but listening to my mom on the phone this morning crying because of what I told her really shook me up…
but I trust in the Goddess to pull me through…it’s hard to remember that, but She is there to catch me…no matter how far I fall…

su(zi)e · April 29, 2002 at 4:01 pm

i’ve been thinking about your post all day (read it at work this morning), and wanting to write something here… and feeling helpless to help because how can comments on a blog help? but hugs, and love, and positive vibes, for what they’re worth — and if a holiday in london would help, you know where i am.

listener · May 1, 2002 at 5:51 pm

Ooooh I feel for you, *hugs*, but you know decisions like this are harder from the side you are on, on the other side it can be clearer…I’ve been there I know its the hardest thing in the world, but……I survived (and my girls did too)

Kari · May 5, 2002 at 5:24 pm

ya know i have an opinion. i have an opinion on everything…:)
when you are ready to leave you will be ready. ya’s like in the movie whats love got to do with it, when she has her moment, after many many moments of no choices…and in that one moment she leaves. it’s like all those other moments were just aiding her in being able to leave. you haven’t been ready yet to even see the other side, or even believe in other possibilities. when you can see the other possibilities, nothing and no one…no obstacle and no childhood messages will be able to stop you.
i believe in you. i love you. and i trust that you will do what you need to do when the time is right.

Kymberlie R. McGuire · May 7, 2002 at 12:47 pm

This is the first time I’ve ever been to your site, so I don’t really know you, but I wanted to let you know that you don’t deserve to be with a man who treats you bad. It is hard to leave and face the unknown, but it sounds like you have a lot of friends who are willing to help you in any way they can. Take their help and try to move forward. Good luck!

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