PHP is My Bitch

OK, OK, so maybe not. I am still very much a beginner. But I think I am getting it. I have been having a blast trying out different things and getting them to work. I almost forgot to post because of all the work I have been doing. :LOL: Any of you using the Lara Croft skin might have noticed my little sidebar testing, that’s where I have been keeping everything for right now, but soon I will implement MOST of the new features, like random blog links and listing most recent comments, throughout the rest of the skins. Merci beaucoups to The Scripty Goddesses for their expertise and infinite patience with my “beginner’s bumblings.”
Today was a beautiful day. I didn’t get to enjoy too much of it, because I spent a total of 14 hours of my day watching other people’s children. You know, I have been discovering something about myself lately. I don’t really LIKE doing daycare. I mean, I love children, don’t get me wrong. I even love caring for them on occasion. But this is taking over my life. I don’t speak to any adults. I don’t even get to enjoy my OWN children. I know that most parents go through this when they go outside of the home to work, and perhaps I should just stop complaining, but I am at HOME, and I feel MORE burnt out then I did when I WAS going outside the home to work. This just doesn’t feel right to me.
I feel like people expect me to be at their beck and call to watch their children at any time, yet NO ONE has offered to watch MY children, or said yes to the total of TWO times in the past YEAR I have asked them to watch my kids. When do I get a break? I actually was asked to go out with the girls this coming Saturday, and I asked H, whose children I have watched after school just about every day for the past 4 years, plus done whatever little errands she asks or given her whatever thing I have in my house that she forgot to get at the store. All I want is for the kids to be able to fall asleep over there WHILE I AM STILL THERE, then I can go out for a few hours.
Her answer? “Well, we’ll see.” Basically, this is a “I don’t really feel like it.” I’ve been through this before. Her kids go to their father’s house every weekend, so she always has a break from them, and she can go out whenever she pleases. She is ALWAYS more tired than me, ALWAYS has done more than me, NEVER lets me get a word in edgewise. Yes, she works, and she works hard, and I admire her. But I think, in a way, she doens’t think much of me because I stay at home. And I am expected to ALWAYS be at home. She doesn’t even bother to call and see if I am home anymore before she sends the kids over to ask if she can borrow some coffee, or some eggs. And when I am not there, she leaves a message on my machine (“Tricia, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone!”) like I should have been there because she needed something. I mean, I love her to bits, and she does do things for me, but I just feel like she has put me into a role and there she expects me to stay. She even tells me not to leave C. Says I should just stay and not worry about him and let him pay the rent (which, by the way, he hasn’t even bothered paying this month yet). I think she tells me that so that I won’t go and leave her without a babysitter that she only pays $30 a week, and sometimes she “forgets” to give me that.
Holy cow. I didn’t mean for this to turn into such a ranting post. I guess I had more held inside than I thought. My main point was, really, that I just need a BREAK. I want to be able to go out with ADULTS, I want to HAVE friends and not be made to feel guilty because I am not doing something for someone else at all times, I want to sit down and sip my coffee without someone hanging off my leg screaming, or throwing a paper football into my cup. Is this NEVER going to be a possibility for me? I am not sure I can survive. I feel like the most horribly selfish person that ever existed. :huh: