Rising shakily from the bed
Rubbing swollen, tired eyes
Pushing back hair stuck at awkward angles
Avoiding own reflection in the mirror
Ignoring empty side of the bed
Shuffling off to the shower
Struggling to feel alive
Hoping maybe upon emerging
It will all have been a dream
Trying to find clothes
That don’t have holes in them yet
Praying for just five more mintes
Before the kids awaken
Today was rather interesting. In addition to Donovan and the baby, I had a new little girl today that I began watching last week. The difference today was, I actually ventured out to playgroup with them all. The little girl’s mother was a saint and let me use her car so that I could get there and back. I loveth her. OK, it wasn’t horribly bad. Except the poor little girl is NOT used to playgroup. It was like stepping back in time to the beginning of the school year, when Donovan was that way. She followed me around, screaming instantly the second she couldn’t see me. I basically had to stay in one spot, or make sure she was right behind me, or she would lose it. Well, at the beginning of snacktime, I had a call of nature that would not be ignored. I THOUGHT I could sneak out real quick and be back before she noticed, since she was at the snack table with Donovan. Oh no. I could HEAR her screaming. Through two closed doors and down half a hallway. I finished up as quickly as I could, and flew back. Oh…dear. She had gotten herself SO upset and worked up that she had thrown up all over herself. I felt SO bad, but as soon as she saw me, and the ladies who were helping her clean up had let go of her, she was fine. Her mother hadn’t left any clothes for her, so luckily I had some of Donovan’s clothes, and they are pretty much the same size, so they worked well. *phew* After changing her, she went right back to being fine, as long as I was right there where she could see me of course. I learned my lesson, that’s for sure. If I ever take all of them there again, she is going with me if I get the call again. Just like I used to have to do with Donovan. *sigh*
So anyway, we leave there and go back to the house. Gee, more good news. We now have no telephone service. So, so far, the cable and the phone have been shut off, and the rent is not paid. Yes, everything is in his name. What next? Am I supposed to just HOPE that nothing happens to these kids, and I won’t need a phone? Sure, I could go over to H’s house, but her house is SO not child proof. Case in point, Donovan broke ANOTHER glass candle holder over there today. Grrrrrr. Thank goodness he wasn’t hurt, because I do NOT need that right now!
If the phone isn’t back on by the end of the week, I am going to have to get an account in my own name, just so I can have a phone until I can find a way to get out of here. I am still waiting for the lights to get shut off. I can feel it coming. 😡 If that man EVER dares to claim that he does ANYTHING to take care of this child, I will laugh in his pathetic face. I might not have had much money when I was single and by myself with Gregory, but I NEVER EVER had the lights OR the phone OR the heat shut off. Yes, I have been evicted before, I won’t deny it. But, let me tell you, I have handled my business, made deals, TALKED to the people involved, and never had to pay a dime of the money I owed for back rent, because it ended up being written off. If he would bother to make ANY kind of effort to talk to the people who want him to pay, he would not have ALL of us in this situation. And it sucks even more because now I am restricted on when and where I can make my OWN phone calls regarding what is going to happen to me and these kids.
Wheeeeee, a lot of my posts lately have been very angry. Sorry. Anger is a much safer emotion for me right now than some others. I would rather be angry at the situation than start blaming myself for everything that is happening, which is exactly where my mind wants to start going every time I start to let go of the anger a bit. And I do NOT want to go there. That is a dark, dark place.

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Categories: Miscellany


Sandee · May 21, 2002 at 9:46 pm

Just popped in to give you a great big virtual hug 🙂

Gina · May 22, 2002 at 9:15 am

anger is good…and document everthing….if you have to go to court, you’ll need it…a friend of mine is going through a similar situation…if it comes to it, go through the DOR…

Kate · May 22, 2002 at 9:51 am

Geez, stay angry! It sounds like you have every right to be (heck, I’M angry at that man – it makes me sick seeing/hearing about people who have such a wonderful gift (children) and refusing to appreciate what they have). It may be tactless to say, since I don’t know you, or him, but it’s my opinion that anyone who WON’T do anything they can, regardless of the sacrifice to themselves, to take care of their children don’t deserve them – and said people also don’t deserve the women who are doing everything they can towards that goal.
It would undoubtedly be beyond tactless to add that perhaps your children don’t deserve to be exposed to such a bad male role model, so I’ll leave that bit out.

Sue · May 22, 2002 at 6:05 pm

((((((((Tricia)))))))) stay angry! What an idiot he is! You deserve SO MUCH better than what he’s done and so do the kids!

felicia · May 23, 2002 at 9:07 am

sometimes you need to be angry and sort of go through the emotion…i think the reason why many people are bitter, etc (well this is what my therapist and yoga teacher tells me) is because we all fight so hard to avoid pain and seek pleasure. we desperately try NOT to be angry.
but girl if you’re pissed, BE PISSED 🙂

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