When I first thought of writing this post, I figured I should just write a long kinky sexual fantasy. Then I woke up from my dream. (OK, stop the sighing in disappointment, I know who you are! :LOL: )
I can totally see where this emotion could get people into trouble. Just look around you at society today. Sex shoved under our noses wherever we look. Music videos, movies, television, the internet, billboards. Women and children being sexualized and/or exposed to sex at younger and younger ages. Heck, the other day we were at the grocery store standing in line to check out and Gregory turns to me and asks “Mom, what are sexual positions?” Holy COW, one of the magazines in the very prominent display (I cannot even recall which one) had an article on what are the best sexual positions boldly typed right on the cover. Is it any wonder some people get obsessed with sex, turning a beautiful, special act into a tawdry, voyeuristic “thing?” Believe me, I am not just talking out of the left side of my mouth. I have first-hand experience of a pornography/sex addict. And it is NOT pretty.
Now, don’t get it twisted. I’m not talking about people that use pornography, movies, toys, or anything else as part of their normal, healthy sex life, or people that happen to have sex a lot. (even if they may only be having it with themselves :D) I am talking about being so obsessed that you are not even able to have sex with the person you are with. Or you can only have real sex by thinking of pictures or movies you have seen. Or you are no longer be able to be a functioning member of society. Or you cannot wait to be alone so you can look at something more. Or you start a collection of things that begins numbering in the hundreds of gigabytes or video cassettes. Or you start spending so much money on strip clubs or prostitutes or pornography that your own living situation and finances are jeopardized. When does it end? When you have nothing left? When is enough enough? When do you hurt yourself and others enough to say “no more?” I wish I knew. But, in the context of the “sin,” I feel like if lust was considered something not good for you thousands of years ago, how much worse is it today when you can barely open your eyes in the morning without being accosted with a sexual message. And it is almost like society is enabling people who might never have thought of doing anything remotely related to easily become instant connoisseurs of child pornography, voyeurism, or any other type of distasteful sexual deviance that is available today.
Now, before y’all take me for some kind of ridiculously uptight prude, I guess it’s time for me to enter my own realm of this sin. While I think having children and being in a committed relationship definitely gives you a different outlook on things, it doesn’t make you dead. :LOL: That being said, it has been a long time since I have actually felt lust. Desire, certainly, even longing. But not that earthy type of “I-want-you-now-come-here-so-I-can-rip-off-your-clothes-get-inside-me-NOW” type of lust. (*whew*) Although things between C and I were dying a slow death for several years, somehow our sexual relationship was always fantastic. At least, for me it was. It has really only been in the past six months or so that things have really been falling apart. Whatever trials he feels he is going through, whatever dark road he is travelling down, it does not and can not include me. So…I am not sure if I recall when I began feeling needy. Lustful. But it is certainly an interesting thing to be feeling again. I know I am not able to act upon anything right now until my personal situation is more stable, and honestly, now that I am older and I have more responsibilites, I am pretty sure I could never act upon lust as I did when I was younger. I see the consequences much more clearly. And I am much more mindful of the examples I am setting. But one thing I do know about myself, is that I could never allow an emotion such as this to take over my life, to make me forget that other things are so much more important to me. As much as I love sex, I honestly would rather go to my grave never having it again than to allow it to ruin everything I have worked for and everyone I love.