I don’t know why I haven’t been blogging these past several days. Maybe I hit a block like Anitra. Maybe I just really haven’t had anything to say. I can’t even tell you. I do know that I have hit a bit of a slump, mood-wise, this past week. The sheer pleasure of FINALLY being by myself, without a bazillion people all around me in every room, and almost as many staff people peering over my shoulder, watching me, has begun to wear off, I think. The shock of once again being on my own, sleeping by myself, being able to feel comfortable in my own space, has begun to be replaced with loneliness, doubt, fear, and some more things that I can’t quite put a name too, yet.
Maybe I shouldn’t be feeling this way? Maybe I should just be happy I get a new chance at life? Of course I AM those things, but I can’t stop those other feelings from creeping in. All my life it seems, people have been telling me I won’t amount to anything. And I have been doing nothing but proving them right. How does one go about turning around an entire life’s projected course? Yeah, I don’t know either.
Sorry to be so morose. Hopefully it’s a passing thing. Anyway, on the GOOD side, the kids seem to be adjusting a bit better. Gregory wants to join the chess club. He is so dang smart. *beams* He also might start doing Cub Scouts. I’m not so sure, though, I don’t want him to be stretched too thin, but at the same time I know it’s good for him to stay busy, to get things back to normal. Donovan is now very much into coloring (“MY crayon-marker!” – yes, he does call every writing instrument a ‘crayon-marker’), playing outside (“MY stick! MY swing! MY coat!!”), Playhouse Disney (“Wiggles, Mama, look! Do da nooda-dance! Wiggles on? MY Wiggles!”) and cleaning (“MY mop, MY weep(sweep)! MY ponge(sponge)! Help, Mama?”) Yeah…every day is an adventure. :LOL: One thing I am very happy about is that I am beginning to be able to ENJOY the adventure again…slowly, but it is happening.
Categories: Miscellany
6 Comments
tiffani · October 7, 2002 at 2:18 am
You’ll get back into the swing of things. I know it’s frustrating but keep on truckin’!
Sue · October 7, 2002 at 8:59 am
I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don’t. Just know I’m thinking of you and sending lots of love and positive vibes your way. ((((((((((((Tricia)))))))))))))
Phira · October 9, 2002 at 12:32 am
Tricia,
It’s good that you are talking about how you are feeling. Keeping it bottled up only makes the anxiety more intense.
The hardest thing a person has to deal with is themselves.
One thing that stands out in your post the most. Even though you talked about how depressed and negative you feel, you still managed to find the sun in those clouds. Those two wonderful little boys and you see that it will all fall into place eventually.
🙂
Sarah · October 9, 2002 at 9:19 pm
heh, I am just glad you are back.
It’s hard to get happy when a lot of bad things happened in the past. People don’t want to let their guard down or get disappointed or even end up back where the problems began. If I make any sense heh.
etcetera · October 10, 2002 at 8:36 pm
Sweetie, you sound like a very strong woman. I’m sure things will fall into place gradually and smoothly. I’ve been told similar negative things in life, but I truly believe that there is light at the end of every tunnel.
Cat · October 10, 2002 at 9:05 pm
keep up the high spirits tricia. living in your own home has it’s advantages and disadvantages and your facing some of the disadvantages but hey, it could be worse. looks like your kids are settling in nicely, though i’ve never heard the term “crayon-marker”. Just remember, it’s best not to dwell on what we could have done, but what we are going to do. I picked that up from a book but it really means a lot. 😉
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