I keep telling myself I need to make more of an effort to write here. The days fade away, the words strain against the wall of my mind, then abruptly give up and retreat. The kids get put to bed, darkness and quiet envelop me in their peaceful embrace, sleep beckons, and the last few valiantly struggling words disappear into a field of fluffy placid sheep.
Then as I lie there in bed, the words return, ramming up against my psyche like cars in a traffic jam during major construction. I guess that’s what I view myself as lately – “under construction.” The bricks of my self-esteem have been broken and carted away under cover of darkness, and I am embarking on a long and arduous journey across the world of dreams to find them and bring them home, where I can lovingly spread the new mortar upon them for protection, and piece them together carefully, so that all the chinks are filled.
As I prepare for my journey, I contemplate what will be needed along the way. Courage for sustenance. A cloak of strength. Boots full of assertiveness. Clarity upon my head like a crown. A strong tea of love, to warm me when the nights get cold. Peace in my bag that I can take out and revel in, contemplate. And I need all of you on my journey as well. For companionship, friendship, encouragement, fortitude, joy.
The journey will be long, the map nonexistant. Over seemingly insurmountable mountains deep within banks of dark gloomy clouds, where the wind whispers of things best left forgotten. Through thick intertwined jungle vines, rife with thorns. Over dark waters churned up by some unimaginable creature. The supplies will seem to diminish to the point of endangering the survival of the party. When I first heard about this journey, I refused to go. I thought, surely this is impossible. No one could emerge unscathed. Now…I am beginning to feel that, no matter how long the journey will take, even thought it will probably take the rest of my life, the rewards are infinite, the risk more than worth it, the self-esteem and self-worth to be gained unequalled. And so, if you will, come along, and wish me luck.
Well. I don’t really know what the heck that all was. :LOL: Maybe another way for me to look at this journey I call my life. A different way to view it, a little more hopeful, rather than having myself play the evil monster that has to be vanquished every time. Maybe…I can be the heroine for once.
I’m still feeling a bit out of sorts, stressed. I went to a parenting class last night, mostly for the contact with others, the networking, but also to reinforce what I already know about how I should be handling things, but right now those skills seem to be drowning under the waves of depression and fear and stress, so that I become a screaming lunatic far more often that I feel comfortable with. It seems like a pretty nice class, there are a few ladies in similar situations to myself, and other ones completely different, but al in all we were an extremely chatty group. The amazing thing was, Donovan actually STAYED with the caregivers downstairs for an hour and a half, and didn’t scream once! He DID run to Gregory in the next room one time, but only for a few minutes, then he went back to play. This bodes pretty well, I think, for when I start calling around to see if there are any daycare or Headstart programs with openings. 🙂
As for my “donation jar,” in case anyone was wondering, I have recieved $100 so far, and I cried like a baby in gratitude. Kari was kind enough to make me a button, so if you wish to take it and put it on your site, please feel free. I think there are a few more colors that she made, but she hasn’t sent them to me yet. :whatever:
Oh, and one last thing. I finally added a new skin!
I hadn’t felt much like designing lately, plus with my computer laboring the way it has been, designing the way I WANT to has been difficult. But I managed a small creation that I think came out well. Try it! I hope you like it. 🙂