I did it again, huh? I mean to write, but the days just drift by aimlessly, like tufts of dandelion fluff in the breeze. I have been exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. Going to bed at 8:30 most nights. Idling on AIM, forgetting I even had the computer on. Still feeling tired in the morning. Antisocial. Escape-oriented. I don’t like when I start feeling this way. It usually means the beginning of a sharp downward spiral. I am not in any shape to fight one of those right now.
In any case, not too much has been going on. The kids already went trick-or-treating. Strange thing about this particular small town, they have arrangements to trick-or-treat on Sunday night from 5-7, usually before Halloween. It actually works out quite well for me this year though, since I have my parenting class on Thursday nights, and I am actually enjoying it, so I would have hated to miss it.
Donovan was Bob the Builder. Too darn cute. Gregory was something he found called the “Iron Man,” basically just a black robe and a mask that appeared to be made out of stone. Quite original amid all the endless Scream masks. It was chilly out on Sunday, but not unbearably so. There was a sense of community as we strolled down the street. Most people were outside on their porches or steps, awaiting the children. Donovan was SO excited, he kept strutting along, his bucket gradually dangling lower and lower beneath the mother lode of candy, yelling “Weet! Weet!” (Trick-or-treat, of course!) At one point, we passed a kid of about 6 or so, wearing a Michael Myers mask. Oh, man, that totally freaked poor Donovan out. He was shaking, and the whole time after that he would say, “Mask?” “No more mask, Donovan. It’s all gone.” “No mo mask?” “No, baby, it’s all gone.” “OK, all gone. Whew!” LoL….so funny what kids pick to be frightened of, because I KNOW he has never seen any of those movies before. But it WAS a pretty freakishly realistic-looking mask.
I also applied for school last Friday. Probably the singular most frightening thing I have done so far in my life. Even more scary than leaving my ex, I think. It’s not really the point of thinking I can get in, or being able to do the work if I DO get in. It’s more the financial aspect of it. I have some loans in default, where they have been for many years. I have been in denial about them, running away from dealing with them, terrified of them. And of course, they have been blocking all my efforts to better myself, so I avoid them even harder. Silly, I know, but it is so hard to overcome a defense mechanism that has been a lifetime in the making. I run away from everything. Relationships. Communication. Friends. Debt. So…trying again is costing me. And it might not even work out. I have been making tentative inquiries at the loan agencies, figuring out where my loans are now being held, that sort of thing. I really DO want to pay. But I am SO not good at double-talk, fast-talk, and all those other tricks debt collectors like to play. I am too honest. Too easily intimidated. Too willing to give up. Give in. Cave. I hate that about myself. Among other things.
Don’t know what my point is, other than I have been rather stupidly attempting to spare all of you, and myself as well, all of my negative emotions and the foul spillage of bitter words that drip out of my keyboard like acid tears. But the more I keep them inside, the more they burn my soul, the more they clamour to be let out in less savory ways, with caustic words and days full of irate feelings. Sometimes I feel like the feelings have no outlet, that they will just burn me from the inside out, until there is nothing left. And sometimes I want them to.

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Categories: Miscellany


etcetera · October 30, 2002 at 10:12 pm

Hey Lioness 🙂

Tee · October 31, 2002 at 1:44 pm

I am gonna collect all of yours and wifey’s smilies because I want to add them to my site soon. :ha:
I am so glad my cutesy bebe kids got to go trick or treatin’ and had a good time. And I am also glad you got to feel involved ya know? I know it is tough and hard for you gurl. What you are goin’ thru and feelin’ is expected and understandable. Don’t ever feel as if you are wrong for feelin’ the way you do. Be it negative or positive. Sad or happy. Your life has literally been turned upside down and now is the adjustment period. And we all know adjustin’ to anythang can be a real bitch! :huh:
So I love you Tricia Wicia. :lovey: You are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers whether I tell you or not. Just know that. And kiss my bebe’s for me. *muah*
And Happy Halloween!!!! :crazy:

cat · October 31, 2002 at 3:03 pm

Awwww how cute! I’m going to pass out candy to all the little kids in our neighborhood I’m gonna be so… how do you say it… adored out? They’re all so cute! Hope everybody has a happy halloween! :batman:
Good luck in school Tricia. I know you can make it through. 😉 Don’t ever give up girl!
I said this the last time and I’ll say it again, it’s a good thing to express your emotions. Do ever feel ashamed to do that! :kissy:

drublood · October 31, 2002 at 6:39 pm

“weet weet!” Oh, that is so cute! Give him a squeeze for me, won’t you?

Brick · November 3, 2002 at 4:43 pm

Hey girl! Listen, I am going through this crazy world of financial aid for the first time here at law school…it has not been pretty so far. A word of advice: Look at all your option right now and be realistic about them…or you’ll be like me, eating rice all day! LOL
Make sure you fill out you FAFSA…the board of education must give you a certain amount and they can’t reject you on credit issues. If you have loans to pay, try and get rid of them, or at least fix them so they are not in default. If you have a poor credit rating but at least owe no money, someone somewhere will give you a private loan.
Goo luck. Email me if you have any questions. I am all for education so I am willing to help in any way. Maybe we can even schedule an AIM session with a private AIM name (I would have to download AIM, huh? LOL) or MSN messenger. Let me know if you need me!

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