I can’t even believe it’s December 2nd already. This year seems to have literally flown by, and yet it’s as if time is standing still, and the rest of the world swirls by in a frenzy without me. I am watching myself from above, like some weird, slow-motion movie, moving forward, but moving so slowly that progress seems impossible. But at least I am moving forward. As far as I can tell.
I hope everyone’s Thanksgiving was as good as they could have hoped. Mine was OK. My downstairs neighbor and I pooled together our grocery store gift certificates that we were lucky enough to receive, and made dinner together. She made the turkey and the stuffing, and it was very delicious! I made baked macaroni and cheese, which I learned to make from one of the other residents at the shelter, and have since become quite good at it. I also made homemade mashed potatos, cornbread, and collard greens. (YES, collard greens! I am a woman of many hidden talents. :nyah: ) We each cooked in our own houses, then she brought my half of the turkey upstairs, and we all ate at my house. Her daughter is just about 8 months old now, and o beautiful, and it’s hard to imagine that I met her first when she was only 3 months old! No matter how many times I see it, the growth of a child, both physical and mental/psychological is one of the most amazing and miraculous things that I have ever been blessed enough to perceive.
My own children grow bigger and stronger and more full of presonality every day. Sometimes I still regret that neither one of their fathers will ever see these two beings become the wonderful men I see inside of them, but in the end I am selfishly joyous that I alone will be a sole influence over their growth, that I will not miss one single moment of their momentous childhood, and in the end it will my choices that help to mold them. A frightening prospect if looked at one way, and I guess sometimes it is overwhelming to be responsible for two small lives, but as long as I keep striving to do the BEST job that I can, how can I REALLY go wrong? I love these boys with every fiber of my being, or, as Robin Williams says in Flubber, I love them on a sub-atomic level. :LOL: I make mistakes, heck, a LOT of them. But I know that I am on the right course at least.
One of those mistakes I made last night. I didn’t realize it as it came out of my mouth. I was a bit peeved at Gregory, because he had decided to fight me on the bedtime issue. Being at home for 5 days in a row, going to bed pretty much when he wanted, had made him a bit bold, I suppose. He was writing a story on the computer, and when bedtime came I literally had to pull the chair away from the desk in order to get him moving. He went in the room, complaining that I was being mean, that I never let him do anything he wants, blah blah blah, the usual stuff that just goes over my head for the most part. I read them a story, and went to give them their kisses. Gregory refused to give me a kiss, saying that he wished he was old enough to move out now. I guess, for some reason, this just made me very mad. I said back to him, “Go ahead, move out, where are you going to go, move back with C?” I knew this was really not very nice, but I swear that boy knows just what to say to make me feel guilty, hurt, angry. And I haven’t yet gotten the skills to think through those feelings when dealing with him. Immediately after I said this, he just started bawling. Big, sobbing cries. I felt like shit. I tried to comfort him, to say something, but he just pushed me away, so I left the room. He stopped crying quickly enough, but I continued to feel bad. I guess I never realized exactly how afraid he is that I will go back to C. Maybe because I left him before, and went back. I know that this will pass, and as we become more stable and confident in our family trio, he will know that we are NEVER going back. My counsellor says he may need to come to this conclusion on his own. That there isn’t much I can say to convince him, I just have to show him. So that is what I will do. I want him to be proud of me, to feel safe, to feel like life is coming back under control, and he won’t be carted from place to place like a sack of onions without any choices. Most days I just want to curl up in bed and never get up, but still I get up and go about the day. As long as I can do that, there is hope.
Some of you who use my default skin may have noticed that I changed it to a new design, made especially for Yule 2002. I am in the process of changing pretty much all of my skins. I am getting bored with a lot of the old ones, and they don’t seem to “suit” me anymore. So over the next few weeks, be surwe to go over to the skins page and check them out and find one you like. πŸ™‚
In case you don’t use the default skin, this is what it looks like:
Make this your skin
The old green default skin with the butterfly is still one of my favorites, and is still available here. I have also added a pretty brown version of the butterfly skin that reminds me of a lovely fall day.
Make this your skin
I hope you like them, and look for a blue version of the butterfly coming soon as well. :kissy:

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Categories: Miscellany


Tiffani · December 2, 2002 at 2:48 pm

I love the new look Tricia. I’m glad you and your boys had a great thanksgiving. It’s all about family no matter what.

Sarah · December 2, 2002 at 2:50 pm

I love the new Yule skin!!
I really try to watch what I say to people these days, because although we do not intend to, we can be just as spiteful as the next person.
I am glad you had a good Thanksgiving holiday πŸ™‚

Tee · December 2, 2002 at 4:32 pm

I am sooooooo proud of you Tricia. You made the best outta Thanksgivin’ and like Tiffani said it’s all about bein’ with family no matter what.
I sumtimes say thangs I don’t mean as well. :huh: We are human and imperfect yanno? But it is gonna be alright boo. Your bebe’s know that you love them. You are a good mommy gurl. Don’t ever second guess that.
Glad to see you in more positive spirits too. I’ma talk to you soon. *muah* :lovey:

cat · December 2, 2002 at 4:45 pm

I’m really glad u had a good thanxgiving πŸ™‚
It’s ok about Gregory, as a sister I know :whatever: They say they hate you but they really don’t mean it, they’re just blurting out things like you did. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, some more than others, but with each mistake you learn and gain more than before. Anybody who knows you will say that you have become stronger through your mistakes, but that’s ok! πŸ™‚ and in the end, everything will be alright. πŸ˜‰

Phira · December 2, 2002 at 7:13 pm

I know how that is.. *sigh*

Shunda · December 3, 2002 at 1:24 am

Tricia this is amazing. I’m glad your holiday was nice. And speaking as someone who survived seeing their mother abused, I think you handled it as well as you could. Kids say things to get a rise out of their parents. I remember some of the things I said to my mother when I was younger. But like Tee said, you should never second guess yourself as a mother, because you are a good mother. Just continue doing what’s best for you and your kids. ((hugs))

Lashundra · December 3, 2002 at 1:04 pm

hey there, haven’t been here in a while, sorry, but i like the new skins very nice girl.
glad you enjoy the thanksgiving with family, that is truly a blessing :bubbles:
i know how you feel about your child, saying something bad and regreting it, well i am guilty of doing my daughter like that and i have to pray and ask god to forgive me, but i know that i am the bestest mom i can be to her so don’t ever regret that, you are a good mom and your son will know always know that.
take care

Tee · December 3, 2002 at 7:51 pm

Well since you have your comments turned off for your most recent post I will just say what I have to say here. It’s not like people are not sympathetic to what you are goin’ thru. It’s just that you have to realize that life still goes on and that only YOU can make you and your kids life betta. No one can do that for you Tricia. Stop pityin’ yourself. It is only gonna depress you more. Start thinkin’ more about the positive thangs you got goin’ on in your life. You are a wonderful woman with 3 wonderful kids. Focus on you and them. That is it. Don’t focus on bullshit. It is not about failin’ people miserably and shit. There you go again actin’ all pitiful and lookin’ for sympathy. You gotta get strong Tricia. That is the only way you are gonna survive. I am not tryin’ to be hard on you and if I have come across that way then I apologize. But me bein’ the true friend that I am, I am gonna tell you what I need to say whether you like it or not. Everythang I say is said outta my love for you. I have hit rockbottom Tricia. I have been there and done that. But I survived as so did many otha people in this world. You need to become a fighter and a survivor as well. Especially for your kids sake. Think of it this way. Your situation has gotten alot betta from it used to be. Be grateful for that. I am still willing to support you Tricia if you want that but you gotta start helpin’ yourself first gurl. Not everyone may agree with my “tough love” theory but I do love you. Which is why it bothers me so much to see you like this. Get rid of the negative and dismal spirit you got goin’. It will eat you up inside. Realize that you got alot to live for and a full and happy life ahead of you.

Tee · December 3, 2002 at 7:56 pm

I mean you got 2 wonderful kids.. I know you don’t want a 3rd right now. :huh:

Tiffani · December 4, 2002 at 1:08 am

I know you didn’t want comments on your last post but I feel strongly to speak.
First, trust me when I say I’ve been there…..
3000 miles away from home in NYC, everything I own in my suitcases, no money, no home, standing in front of a motel, kicked out because I couldn’t afford another night there…..police called…..embarrased….in tears…my four year old by my side.
That was me. I can give you more but I’m sure this box will not hold all my hardships. Most of them I brought upon myself. Which makes you feel like pure shit. And then the doubt seeps in of your own competence. Not good!
Basically what I’m saying is, I know how hard it is…not only to come out of it physically and financially but emotionally. Believe it or not, I’ve been in a deep depression for the past 7 years now. Functional but depressed all the same.
It’s NOT that easy to come out of. Once a spirit is broken it’s NOT that easy to mend. In some it’s never mended….we basically make the best of it and move on. Unfortunately, some die broken. That’s the choice we have…die broken…or lick our wounds and move on. I walk with a limp everday Tricia. I smile even though I’m crying inside. I laugh even though I want to make it all go away.
I can’t tell you how to come out of this and how to move on. Everyone is different and everyone comes into their own in their own time and way.
I just don’t want you to think that you annoy me with your words. It’s just that, your journal to express how you feel. Yeah, I get fustrated when I hear someone complain….but I have to check myself and know that I too have been there (still there)….. I too have complained (still complaining)…..
I am also broken.
Some of us see the glass half full and some of us don’t. But you can always see the glass half full when you have bountiful resources.
We’ll get out of this….and even if we don’t….if we die tomorrow with nothing….we can proudly say to our Maker that we never gave up….complaing all the way and broken…..but we made it to the finish line.
It’s up to you to move on, but never doubt that everyone needs someone. You’re not alone in this.

tasha · December 4, 2002 at 8:41 am

I’m so sad that you’ve decided not to continue on with your blog. I love your site and feel like I can relate to alot of what your posting. I’ve been through alot of similar situations and emotions that you talk of. I never know how I get myself out of the hard times or even how I keep smiling from day-to-day but I survive. It’s hard to keep a positive attitude when life keeps throwing you shit, but you have your children, life, a roof over your head and food to eat. That’s alot more than some people have. I don’t feel like you’ve burdened anyone by your postings. This is your life and your feelings; they need to be expressed or it will eat you up inside!! I’m sure the majority of people realize that and want to be there for you to help you get through the tough times! That’s what friends are for! As for your children, there will be many more times ahead that things will be said and feelings will be hurt. That’s just a part of growing up for them. I’ve said so many hateful things to my mom when I was younger, but it was just a dumb adolescent thing that everyone goes through. On that note, my children have done the same, but I just think about the times I did it to my mom and how I never meant it and somehow that is soothing to me and the words don’t sting as much. They’re children, they don’t know how harsh their words are yet! Anyway, I wish you well and if you need a ear to vent in I’ll be here for ya!! πŸ˜€

Michelle W. · December 4, 2002 at 9:36 am

I’m so sorry to hear that you won’t be online any more, but I understand the need to step away. I sincerely hope that you’ll soon feel better about yourself and the world. I’ll think good things for you and your boys.
Take care, Tricia. We’ll miss you.

etcetera · December 4, 2002 at 10:10 am

Trish, remember when I said you haven’t failed until you’ve given up….(keep that in mind). Everyone has strength, ma…just utilize it. I know you have it in you. Sure..we will all continue to support you, but you have to be proactive about your own life. Efforts are great…but try harder…push harder. This is the only life you’ll have in this lifetime. Make good use of it as best as you can. You know I love you…and take in what Tee said. I agree with a lot of that. If you need to talk…just email me, and I’ll definitely email you from time to time to check up on you. We all care about you, Tricia, but we shouldn’t care more about you than you do yourself. (big hugs)

cat · December 5, 2002 at 7:35 am

tricia the site has been great for you and for everyone else who reads and listens. you don’t have to leave! people NEED to express their feelings and you do it here. you need to do that! after what everyone else has said i can’t say more, but if you don’t decide to keep the blog up, good luck in the rest of life and blessed be. πŸ™

Lisa B-K · December 5, 2002 at 11:09 pm

Tricia — keep on keepin’ on, woman! You can do it. I’m sad yr taking this site down, I don’t think it’s necessary… but do what you have to do.
Like so many other people who’ve commented here, I’ve been through a lot of the same things and it really does take a long time to come out the other side, especially if you feel so alone. You need to take it one freaking day at a time, cuz that’s all you’re gonna get anyway… :kissy: May as well take ’em that way… please take care.

Lloyd · December 6, 2002 at 7:09 pm

I sent an email through your contact form about this.. I didn’t want to put it in public, but yeah… I wish there was some other way.. there has to be. :huh:

Phira · December 7, 2002 at 10:06 am

Tricia, I cant believe you are going to close down YOUR site because some people can’t handle what you have to say. Until they pay your bills, put food on your table and whip your ass when you take a shit, FUCK EM! You express yourself in whatever way you can. If that is in the form of complaining. Well that is YOUR right. If someone can’t handle it, they don’t have to read the blog, correct?
I didn’t realize journals were suppose to make others feel better. I thought they were to make OURSELVES feel good by getting out our negative feelings, post about our lives etc… who the fuck knew it was for the whole gotdaym world’s enjoyment.
You always have me here as a friend girl. Email me, call me… comment and complain in my journal. It’s all good! πŸ™‚

Shunda · December 9, 2002 at 4:41 pm

goodness, I’m always late. After reading your post, and the others I’m just going to reiterate what has already been said. It’s sad that you are taking down your site, especially for somebody else’s hang-up. Tricia, if you feel like you want to take down your site, that’s up to you. Just as it is also up to you whether you want to complain about how long the day is, or whatever. Don’t let anybody tell you what to do, just do what’s best for you girlie. The only person who can give you validation is you, nobody else, regardless of how great a friend they are. I’ll email you later, but I just want you to know that I’m here :kissy:

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