Have you ever been so disillusioned by people and humanity in general that you truly lose complete faith in everything they represent? As if every cloud’s silver lining was tarnished to a dull greasy black, and every falling star was heading straight for your head. Yeah. It’s been like that for me for a long time. Then, has something so outrageously amazing, so incredible, happened that makes you think….MAYBE? Yeah, that has happened to me, too. Actually, it happened to me three times in one day. I was dealt a good deck this past Thursday, but I can take credit for some of it myself. See, I am learning to be more confident in myself. To ask for what it is I want, instead of expecting people to just guess, then give me what I want anyway. Yeah, you CAN learn that life isn’t like that.
I signed on to AIM Thursday morning, and someone messaged me that I didn’t know, although I had seen her name on a message board I have been perusing of late, so I said hi back. We chatted for a bit. She is a very funny and intelligent woman, and I was enjoying our conversation. We began talking about Christmas, and I was joking about how I hoped that Walmart still had fake trees left when I had the extra money to get one, because I knew the kids were looking forward to decorating. She suddenly asks me where the nearest Walmart to me is. I tell her, not really thinking much of it. Next thing she tells me is, she is on the phone with that Walmart, and she is telling them to hold a tree. I am confused for a second, and ask her if they will hold it for me until I have the money. She says, no, silly, you will be picking it up today. I am basically speechless at this point, but I am like hell, naw, I can’t let her do this! She doesn’t even know me! But, well, she is a stubborn southern lady πŸ˜€ and wouldn’t take no for an answer. This precious person bought me a small tree, PLUS lights, ornaments, AND stockings! Turns out she is an assistant manager for a Walmart in another state. What are the odds? I am SO thankful for this person for helping me to realize that people DO care, I AM worthy of being cared for, and it is not necessary to beg and plead and act pathetic to get that caring. I just need to be….ME. Not that my other friends weren’t trying to help me realize it. I guess it just took a little more than a couple of two-by-fours to actually make me SEE. :LOL:
Which brings me to the second thing that happened, which I put into motion on my own by asking for it outright and expecting that I deserved to get it. I won’t really go into details about this yet, because I REFUSE to jinx what could very well be a monumental development for me for the rest of my life, but suffice it to say as of Friday morning I am no longer…..”looking.” :lovey:
And also very soon there just may be a return for those of you that invested into a new computer for me. I should know for sure by the end of the week, so keep your fingers crossed for me, OK?
There is still this niggling little voice in the back of my head saying “What if? What if something bad happens tomorrow? You know it probably will.” I can’t seem to get it to be quiet. Positive thinking takes so much work when you aren’t used to it. I am still trying hard, but I can feel myself bracing for a “blow.” Someone asked me once if I use sources and events outside of myself to determine how I feel about myself. And, I had to admit that I do, although I never thought about it that way before. I was never taught to rely on myself, to think anything of myself, to WANT to be myself. So I look to other people or things that happen in my life to tell me whether or not I am OK. And most of what has happened so far has told me I am not OK. So I am trying to learn that it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks I am OK or not. Only that *I* think I am OK. One day, I hope I can honestly say that I think I am.

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Categories: Miscellany


Jenn · December 16, 2002 at 1:43 pm

That is so COOL!! Stuff like that gives me hope in people. They are out there, we just have to be willing to see them.
I relate to what you are saying about letting others define your worth – I did that forever – and it was always men and I always felt like crap! I am working on it now – but it is hard. When you have lived one way for 30 years, trying to see things differently is tough.
For me – and I know your spiritual beliefs are a little different than mine – but for me, realizing that my Higher Power is inside of me and I am a piece of that divinity has really helped. Where I am right now – is exactly where I need to be to learn the lessons and become the person I know I can be. So, keep your head up – one day at a time is all we have.
Take care!

France · December 16, 2002 at 7:58 pm

Hi Tricia….First I want to say thanks for visiting my site & making me aware of yours. It’s beautiful & I love the poinsettia at the top of the page. Second, thank you for sharing that wonderful story that happened to you recently. It’s great to see that there are still people out there who are genuine & selfless with complete strangers. With age, most of us become so suspicious….thinking “what does this person want from me” or “what do I have to do in return.” When in reality all they may have wanted was to spread a little joy so that they could receive joy also. It certainly feels good to do something from the heart & know it was greatly appreciated. From what you wrote & by the design of this site, you seem like an amazing & intelligent woman. Much success to you & keep believing in yourself! :o)

Phira · December 16, 2002 at 9:11 pm

That is just absolutely amazing!!!!!!

Tee · December 16, 2002 at 9:56 pm

Hot damn Tricia Wicia!!!! Ooooh blessings are headed all in you direction!! Good for you gurl because you sure as hell deserve it!!! Ooooh hot damn again!!!! :bubbles:
I really loved this post gurl!!! So damn positive and just so lovely.. Oooh Tricia Wicia I am feelin’ all happy and giddy for you. :crazy:
*walks out comments with two-by-fours hoisted ova shoulder mumblin’ sumthin’ about wishin’ I knew all it took was a damn Xmas tree to help you see the light* :LOL: :lovey: πŸ™‚ :hello: :ha:

Lloyd · December 17, 2002 at 9:08 am

I can’t help but grin up a smile of storm while reading this one.. you know I’m not gonnna tell you “I told you so”..
but lol. uh huh. people do care, i mean.. look at the blessings that a lot of us experience especially during these times of the year. around the times where the edge seems to just draw closure for all of us… BAM! some sort of a “miracle” happens. Logically, I can’t explain it.. but it sho’ got a lot to do with the giving and the mentality of errybody to open up their hearts in the best effort they could.
seriously, I think in another lifetime.. I was your adopted son.

witchy · December 17, 2002 at 9:42 am

:hello: I’m SO GLAD!! πŸ™‚ (and yes, it’s HARD to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’. to see the good in your SELF, and be confident. But You CAN Do It! Keep fighting! If you can live through what happen to you at 10, than you can live through anything.
You’re BRAVE and WONDERFUL! and You Are Loved! :kissy:

Darni · December 17, 2002 at 12:52 pm

positive thinking does require a bit of extra energy, especially when your faith in mankind (or yourself) faulters. take it from me. i know. but i, like you, have those days.
your site is so lovely. only a positive thought could create such beauty.

cat · December 17, 2002 at 7:54 pm

This is what makes hope come alive, and the whole part of the holiday season, xmas, hanukhah (sorry if i spelled it wrong), yule, and others alike. You’re a very lucky person Tricia, you may not think so, but you have so many wonderful people who look after you. You’re greatly loved :lovey: :kissy:

Bink · December 18, 2002 at 10:20 am

The tree story was very inspirational. I’m glad that you were shown random human kindness. When it does happen, it feels sensational. Will you take a picture of the tree after you decorate it so we can share the bliss? :lovey:

tasha · December 18, 2002 at 12:34 pm

that was so sweet of her! it things like that, that remind you there are so many beautiful people out there!

etcetera · December 18, 2002 at 2:04 pm

Good people do exist. You being one of them. :hello: I was thinking about your thinking…in terms of this “blow” that you expect when things seem too good to be true…
Well…I can relate, but I don’t like to use the term “negative” when talking about it. I will take pride in calling you a “realist” (being that I’m one). You simply look at the glass half-empty. You are smart enough to know that something bad can happen, but at the same time…you’re loving the good. Trust me…I know what you mean, but I’ve learned to live more for the moment. It’s all about conditioning our minds. If you think some bad shit is going to happen to you….most likely it will, but if you tell yourself you’re going to have a damn good day….you will, because you’ve made up your mind to not let some crazy shit affect you. I could write a whole book on this entry, but that’s so not necessary. Just know that I am SO happy for you…and even though there will be ‘blah’ days…just know that there’s always sunshine after the rain, aight? I love you, girl. Stay blessed.

etcetera · December 18, 2002 at 2:07 pm

EDIT// I have to edit this sentence of mine…because what I put…and what I meant are two totally different things.
If you think some bad shit is going to happen to you….most likely it will, but if you tell yourself you’re going to have a damn good day….you will, because you’ve made up your mind to not let some crazy shit affect IT.
IT=your good day
Alright. Bye, sweetie.

Daphne · December 18, 2002 at 3:47 pm

Wow! It’s gonna take me forever to catch up! Missed you!

sarah · December 21, 2002 at 5:06 am

craig’s a good friend of mine and i saw the last note you left him on his blog. i just thought it was sweet and i wanted to tell you so.
and after reading this entry.. you’re a wonderful writer. and what good luck you had! that is great that a stranger did something that fantastic. if only more people were so caring. happy holidays!
blessed be. πŸ™‚

HomieSexual · December 22, 2002 at 9:05 am

lol.. I printed this entry out.. and I want to show it to my group this thursday… after christmas.. of course I’d let em know where I found it.. I just think it’s so beautiful… this entry is a true testimony of gratitude. :kissy:

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