Well…I have had an interesting day and a half. My internet connection suddenly became very intermittent the other day, and after speaking to several tech support people, we were all really at a loss to explain why. It was very frustrating. I even attempted to sign on to other service providers, with no luck. I was beginning to think maybe the modem in this computer was fried. That would have sucked. But then…an amazing thing happened. I figured out the problem all by myself. :LOL: What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, if this was my Mac, there probably wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place, since I know that computer inside and out like the back of my hand. But on this one, while I do have a familiarity with Windows, I am not that arrogant to think I can just go in and start tinkering with everything before learning exactly what it is I would be tinkering with. But, thank goodness for Compaq, I must say. Their help files are some of the most comprehensive I have ever seen. So now…I am back online, and the particular thing that did this will never be seen on my computer again. 😉
But anyways, aside from that, things have been all right. I have been feeling a bit lonely, a bit isolated, but I am working through it slowly. I was thinking the other day about why I react to things in certain ways. I mean, just as a part of my general nature, not even as a result of things that have happened to me. I have always had some faith in astrology in regards to explaining things in the universe, so I poked around on a fw sites. I always knew that my sign is Cancer, which makes me a water sign, but for some reason I never researched the full meaning of what being a water sign entails. It was rather eerie, actually, how much this explains.
The following is from Tryskelion:
Water is the element of deep emotions, of the subconscious mind, of purification, and of constant change. It is the element of absorption and germination. It is the perseverance and courage needed to endure the long gestation, the nurturing and supporting role.
Water is the element of deep, enduring love, and of the deepest sorrow. It is the courage to continue on a difficult path with no end in sight; an enduring rage born of long, silent suffering; and the hope that springs eternal from forgotten wisdom, held deep in the heart where the old knowledge still waits. When you know what to do, but you don’t know how you know, that, too, is Water – for water rules intuition, racial memories, and psychic powers, too.
When expressed positively, water emotions are fluid, changing as the need of those surrounding demands. They are reflective, offering others a glimpse of themselves and their emotions they might not otherwise see. Water emotions expressive positively are nurturing and mothering. The changes Water brings are slow in coming but constant, as the running stream gradually erodes the mountain in its way over the centuries.
Water emotions expressed negatively can lead to deep depression, manic-depressive tendencies, and spite and revenge.
Water magick involves friendship, marriage, fertility, happiness, healing, sleep, dreaming, psychic abilities, and purification. It is a feminine element, the color of the deep, blue sea. It rules the West, and the Autumn months, when rains generally wash over the Earth.

You know that song “Killing Me Softly?” That’s how this web site made me feel. Like it reached into my soul and plucked these words directly from it. Those few paragraphs essentially sum up the core of who I am, before environment and happenstance ever had a chance to shape things differently. And, in a way, these words kind of help me to focus more on what I am trying to BECOME…not that I want to be exactly what those words say, because I am my own person, but they give me a shape, a direction, and I like the direction it points to.
This society always puts such stress on NOT showing emotions, on hiding who you are behind some false mask that must be put forth in order to be “in” or “politically correct” or whatever other term people come up to explain the fakeness away. I think that is one of the biggest reasons that I have had such a hard time just being ME. I feel things SO deeply, and express them for the most part without regard or thought to the way others will react to those emotions. And there are many who are just not able to deal with that. And it is quite understandable, but in my intrinsic desire to please everyone, I have learned how to supress such emotions, whether they are happy or sad, so deeply within me that now most of the time I have no idea what it is I am really feeling. Unlearning that conditioning is proving to be quite challenging. There is so much emotion waiting inside wanting to burst free that I fear if the dam breaks the emotions will just float around and pop up piecemeal, whether it is an appropriate time for that emotion or not. Uh oh, did that even make sense? 😀
Anyway, I am not quite sure what it is exactly that I am rambling about, but getting it out helped me to organize my thoughts a bit better, Thanks for listening.

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Categories: Miscellany


etcetera · January 15, 2003 at 12:40 pm

That’s so true, Tricia. I was just discussing something similar with a friend last month. Emotions are frowned upon in our society. As a child…we were always told to stop crying or…”Shut the hell up!” Haha, but seriously…
Many people feel that showing emotions give their peers/associates an advantage. They seem more vulnerable…more susceptible to criticism. It’s such an unfortunate thing…but with everything, nobody says we have to conform. I sure as hell don’t. I’ll cry a river if necessary (lol). Love ya.

Tee · January 16, 2003 at 6:28 pm

Aww Tricia. I enjoyed this post. And that’s all I gotta say about that! 🙂
Oh yeah! Me loves you! :lovey:
Kiss my 2 bebe’s for me. :kissy:

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