There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall. ~Colette
I came across this quote today, and couldn’t help but to think how cunningly accurate it is.
Solitude can at times be like an elixir, a draught of the sweetest nectar, yours for the taking, to do with as you please. You can be like Tom Cruise, and rock around your house in your underwear to your favorite tunes. (Trust me, try it, it’s quite refreshing :crazy: ) You can take a long, luxurious, uninterrupted bath or shower, and pamper yourself upon exiting. Or you can go outside and be with nature without having to answer questions about it. :biggrin: One of my favorite things to do used to be going to this beautiful bird sanctuary that was behind the place where I used to work. You entered this place, and, even though it was small, it was as if the rest of the world didn’t even exist. It was quiet, shady, green, with birds twittering and chattering, and flowers scattered in brilliant carpets sheltering the lovingly worn pathways. It sometimes was a necessity for me after a long day with the kids I worked with.
But really, anything that you like to do JUST for you, by yourself, can feel so renewing. You NEED to do some things for yourself. You need to take care of yourself, because if you don’t, how could you possibly take care of anyone else? Mothers are probably the ones most guilty of not taking advantage of every bit of true solitude. Myself, I can’t even remember the last time I had some.
While solitude can be a freedom, there are other times when it can feel like a cage. These are times when that solitude is thrust upon us involuntarily. The ending of a relationship. The loss of someone though distance or death. Even something as commonplace as an argument where one person gets upset and leaves the vicinity can leave that bittersweet taste in our mouths. There is a bereft, lonely feeling that we often turn inwards to the point where we believe this solitude is of our own making. We desperately do not WANT to be alone at these times. We need contact, but there just doesn’t seem to be any available. We long to reconnect with that person we have lost one way or another, and deep inside, there is still a hope that one day we WILL do so. So, while this kind of solitude is perhaps the most painful, it also contains a small measure of hope, and a relieving sense of temporariness, so that we take our bitter tonic resolutely and wait for the day when we no longer have to take it.
Then there is the worst type of solitude imaginable. Sometimes I have to wonder just how many of us TRULY experience it. The type of solitude that is completely self-inflicted. I myself often inflict this upon myself. You push people away, before they ever have a chance to really know you. Or, you feel they are getting too close, so you pull away until they back off, and eventually they get fed up and move on, and even though you did it to yourself, you beat yourself up over how idiotic you are. Why can’t you trust more? Why does everyone seem to leave you just when you need them the most? Well, when you need them the most is when you are the most frightened of being hurt, and the most likely to push them away. I do this constantly. Even online. I avoid other sites, I avoid chat, I keep AIM closed, so that I don’t have to talk to anyone, I don’t have to be a burden with the way that I am feeling, or I don’t have to bother anyone with what a dork I am. Oh, there are times when I see how silly this is, but when the feeling strikes me, it’s like there is no turning back. And then when people DO fade away or move on, it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. See, I knew they wouldn’t stay around. Good thing I didn’t let myself get too close. But what the hell is wrong with me that this keeps happening?
Solitude of this magnitude is horrifying, because is feels as though you are a homeless starving person looking through the window at the well-fed, war and smiling people. But you can’t make them hear you. And you are so afraid to bang on the window. Afraid they will just laugh and pull down the shade.
This is something I wrote a few days ago. I have been feeling pretty down lately, so please, if it will concern you, just don’t read it, because it helped me IMMENSELY just to let it all out…

In The Mirror
That girl in the mirror, just looking at me
I wish she would die, so I could be free
Free of the hurt and the pain and the lies
Free of the pathetic ugly face I despise
That girl in the mirror, she forgot how to smile
So long ago, she finds nothing worthwhile
If I could I would smash her right into the ground
Break that stupid mirror so she would never be found
That girl in the mirror, she will never truly be me
But as long as she’s there no one will ever really see me
The fat and the fear are pretty effective at keeping
People away, they don’t care to see this loser weeping
That girl in the mirror, that fucked-up bitch
I wish I could stab her and throw her in a ditch
Those few that may notice that she had gone away
Would merely think how much better off they became that day

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Categories: Miscellany


Lloyd · February 13, 2003 at 10:50 pm

I am reading this entry of yours and I cannot help my heart and my impulses jump up and down in nonstop repetition. Many say that freedom from everything is a good thing, but I say that liberation from yourself is even better and the more stable place to start. Because how can we be liberated from everything if we are not liberated from our own human problems and desires. There gots to be another alternative to that.
And in addition to what I just said, it’s also sensible to say that there are various types of solitude. There are just times when the people that you need most turn their back on you at the most critical time of your life, and I suppose that happens with everyone, and it’s a very harsh experience considering that I’m re-thinking some of the my experiences in the past and even now.
For some reason, this might need a lighting of an incense.

Lloyd · February 13, 2003 at 10:52 pm

Oh, and thank you so much for offering an ear that time I had a *you-know-what* situation. It turned out that everything is fine and I must’ve done it but just did not remember.
It has been a strenous week for me you know? Going back to school and everything. But all is well as it should be.
Please pray for me. (Hmm.. that sounds jood!).

cat · February 14, 2003 at 10:52 am

And then there are those who have always been locked away in solitude, trying to escape, but always falling back to their endless pit once more. That’s why your truest friends are so important in a life, they help you out of your pit when you try hardest.
Happy Valentines Day, by the way. :kissy:

Tee · February 14, 2003 at 11:45 am

:huh: Tricia Wicia.. I am sorry that you have been feelin’ down lately.. I haven’t even been around to know what you are goin’ thru..
But bein’ that today is Valentine’s Day that means you should be havin’ a special day/nite at least. Right? Right? :crazy: A little lovin’ from your “baby” should be headed your way.. So just take it easy and enjoy yourself. Deal with your problems after you have lots and lots of great……..
Neva mind.. I will email you soon.. Love you and kiss the kiddies for me.. :lovey:

Daphne · February 14, 2003 at 5:56 pm

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Leslie · February 14, 2003 at 8:01 pm

Oh such an awesome post Tricia. You just described me! I do the same thing with AIM, I don’t talk on the phone and I push people away all the time, and I am afraid of making friends online and in real life for fear of being rejected and or laughed at……….we are so much alike {{{hugs}}}

Rose · February 16, 2003 at 8:10 pm

Somehow you always manage to describe exactly what I am feeling in much better words than I ever could. I know personally I tend to work through entire relationships before they even begin. I want to prevent myself from being rejected and hurt by others, but I am beginning to think that I am just hurting myself more. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

Alex · February 18, 2003 at 10:55 pm

amazing. you’ve touched something in all of us here… captured a feeling i know i have most of the time. ((((Tricia)))

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