Ode to an (Ex)Friend

First off, I just wanted to say I am sorry for not really being around too much lately. Writing just hasn’t been in me. I don’t really know what’s up with me, other than the fact that the majority of the time I am so exhausted I hardly know what to do with myself, no matter how much sleep I get. The doctor hasn’t been around to check on my medication, so that might still be the issue, but who knows. I can’t even tell anymore if I am just depressed, because I have never felt like this before; almost as if I were on drugs. At times I do not even feel physically capable of getting up, or even waking up, and that is so not like me. But anyway, nothing I can really do about it until I find out, so I do my best to stay awake when I can, and if I just have to sleep, I go ahead and try not to feel too guilty about it, because I know it’s only because something is definitely going on.
But moving on, you may have noticed the subject of this message. It probably doesn’t pertain to you, but I just needed some time and space to ramble on about some very intense feelings I have been having for a while now, and the culmination of those feelings and how they have affected me. Thanks for reading if you wish to.
Friendship is one of the most precious, sacred bonds that can ever exist between two people. It is a trust and a love born out of choice, not birth or circumstance, a choice freely given and received wherein you look into that person’s soul and say “You are my friend.” And they do the same for you. It is not a bond to take lightly, or a bond that can be broken without serious consquences. I once had such a friend. Someone who knew me better than I knew myself. Someone I was comfortable having nothing to say around. Someone I loved and respected and trusted with all my heart and soul. Someone that I know had some of the same feelings towards me. Someone I forgave. And forgave. And forgave again. To forgive is divine, but to forgive too many times is to enable. Enable someone to take advantage of you and your feelings and your very nature. Enable someone to just assume that you will always be there, no matter how they treat you, just waiting for them to hurt you again. I have come to realize that there are many many people in my life that I have enabled in this way. I am so afraid of sticking up for myself. Afraid of being the one to break things off. Afraid of being seen as mean, uncaring, unfeeling. But my very fear caused me to have more heartache than anyone ever deserves.
I had the strength to leave me ex after I had enabled him to treat me badly. But for whatever reason, I couldn’t let myself give up this friend. It was as though he had control of one of the largest rocks that lay beneath me, holding me up, but on any incomprehensible whim of his own, he would take the rock away, leaving me hanging. Then, just as suddenly, put it back, leaving me so grateful that the reasons behind the initial rock-taking were pushed to the side and forgiven and forgotten. But each time the rock was taken away, it took other little chunks and pieces with it, which rolled down the precipice, never to return. Until I was to the point where only with his rock beneath me did I feel supported. So, when he took it away this time, I actually felt like I would fall, for the first time. And not only is that not healthy for me, it is not right for m to allow him that much power and control over me. Not that he meant to have it, but it was there just the same. And I was left holding on to the ledge, calling for him and getting no answer, feeling like a fool.
A friend is not a “when I feel like it” kind of thing, or a “when I have the time or inclination” thing either. A friend, especially a best friend, is a committment, and is just as worthy of work and attention as any other relationship. And just as in any other relationship, it can only be as good or as strong as both people can make it. If one side is required to do too much for too long, the balance is lost, and it just can’t work without the other one.
My friend, my heart is broken. I will miss you to the end of my days. But I am not sure I have any forgiveness left inside of me. Too many times of feeling brushed aside for someone new, feeling like I was put in the last page of the book of your heart and forgotten. I deserve more than that. From a lover AND from a friend. I will never say that it doesn’t hurt to say good-bye, but I cannot truly be taking care of myself if I allow even one person to treat me this way, whether it is conscious or not. I am a GOOD person, worthy of love and respect and consideration, and I refuse to accept any less any longer.
So, I will let you go gently, as the mighty oak tenderly releases the last leaf in the fall, allowing it to float lightly in the breeze, and settle on the ground to crumble and disintegrate and form a sweet memory that will never be forgotten. The oak knows she must let the leaf fall, to allow room for the hope of new leaves in the spring. And so the incredible circle of life continues.
The past is a precious memory, the future a mystery. All we can do is grab a hold of the present and do our best to create good memories and dispell the most cryptic of mysteries.