I wanted to take some time to dissect something that I have done lately that I am not very proud of at all. Well, OK, there are several things, but this is the one thing that affects me the most.
Since getting my wonderful new computer, a whole different world online has been introduced to me. Not that I didn’t have a good world with my Mac, but the poor thing was too old and tired to allow me to see many of the newer wonders. I go from site to site now still oohing and aahing at all the cool little gadgets and gizmos that I can see and play with now. One of those things was the cheap little $20 webcam I was able to get a hold of. I never had one before, so the kids and I were playing with it for days, taking crazy silly pictures and just testing it on everything. Then one day I decided to head on over and download Yahoo!™ Messenger and see what all the fuss I had been hearing from people was about. Whoa….it was actually pretty cool. Some of the chat rooms made me feel like I was right back on AOL again like I was 7 years ago. :LOL: But for the most part they were pretty cool. For several days, I didn’t really try out the webcam part of it. Mostly because I didn’t want anyone to laugh at me. But finally I did. And sheesh, what a difference. So many guys wanted to talk to me now. Not because I was pretty. Because they wanted me to show them something.
I was good for several days. I didn’t feel comfortable doing the things they were asking, so I didn’t. Then, one night, I broke down and flashed my bra to a few people. Then I signed off and cried like a baby. Ashamed that I had allowed myself to sink there.
But I guess something else must have sunk into my brain when I did that as well. The “applause,” the begging for more, the ones who told me I was beautiful. I guess….it kind of inflated my head a bit, I admit. So when I went on next, I think my intentions were to show something. Just to get the accolades. Over the course of the next few weeks, I mostly just showed bra and panties, innocent stuff, but one night I was feeling pretty down, and I felt like I would do anything to cheer myself up. So I went into a room named something like “Bra Size Competition” or something. And ended up showing a lot of stuff. I won’t really go into it, but let’s just say there are several strangers out there that know me pretty well. :huh:
After this happened, I would come back online, and the men who saw me that night would constantly IM me begging to see more, asking me if I was going to show again, and if I wasn’t, they wouldn’t talk to me. As if I were some kind of pony. And as much as I loved all the attention that night, I began to ask myself a lot of questions. I have waxed quite philosopical on the reasons WHY I felt I needed or even wanted to show myself in that way. I am in general a very modest person. I mean, I walk around the house, and I have breastfed in public without apology, but those are very different circumstances.
So why would I choose to do this? Well, for one, the compliments. I have never in my life been called beautiful by a man. Cute, sure. But never beautiful. I have never been that kind of girl that men just want to run their hands over, and caress. Even during sex, I always felt like there was some slight avoidance to touching my body. Then again, it could just be my own self-perception. I honestly don’t know anymore. I have been told over and over in my life that I am fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. In my head, of course I know it doesn’t make sense to let others define who you are, but I have never had a chance to find out who I am. And there are times when I wonder if I will ever really have the strength inside to just like me for who I am.
So, all these men flocking around, telling me how beautiful I am, what a nice body I have…it was a heady feeling. I found myself showing more, just to keep those 50 people viewing my webcam and cheering me on. Then signing off and crying myself to sleep, not stopping to think about why.
It is really embarrassing to even admit all of this. I am worried that people won’t see me the same, won’t think of me the same, will think I am a loser or a slut or all kinds of other things. My days as a cam girl are definitely over, I know that for a fact. Empty compliments from desperate internet men who would do or say anything to get a woman to show something to them are not exactly what I want out of life. What DO I want? I don’t know. But at least I have discovered one way NOT to find out.

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Categories: Miscellany


tasha · March 10, 2003 at 12:27 am

I think you are a very beautiful and strong person!! Don’t ever believe anyone that tells you otherwise! Hang in there girl!!

Lloyd · March 10, 2003 at 12:27 am

You, are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are not cute, but beautiful. I am so proud of you getting a new computer, and strangely, so am I planning to buy anew computer myself by next month (Since my wallet gets tired every now and then lol), but you know.. being able to admit things, whether bad or good is such a character that its hard to find on people nowadays because of fear, insecurity and doubt… and on your case, it’s what makes you beautiful.
You hear me? Beautiful. You, are beautiful. You are beautiful.
You are not cute, but beautiful. It’s a matter of us being able to be true to ourselves in the best way we know how, so that we’re also truthful to others, and I think that’s where the love of humanity really lies on. That regardless of the courses of events and tribulations and joys and happiness and successes that we achieve, we were able to draw truthfulness to ourselves as our main cornerstone.
and this entry reminded me of the story of Maat…, and the feather of truth and balance.

vita · March 10, 2003 at 11:00 am

Saw your comment on beneathbudhaseyes and thought I would drop in to your site. Just doing what your doing is brave ane beautiful. Always remember you are not necessarily the words that others say about you, it is, what you hold in your mind and project in world, so be brave and beautiful..

Rose · March 10, 2003 at 3:18 pm

You are a beautiful person. Don’t feel bad at all. You learned something from the experience and that is all that matters. I can entirely understand getting caught up in the moment and getting carried away.

Richard Evans Lee · March 10, 2003 at 8:37 pm

Don’t regret that you let yourself go a little bit. You pulled back before you were hurt or became addicted. It was a very human thing to do, thank you for feeling open enough to share it.

R · March 10, 2003 at 10:16 pm

Not Unpretty: “Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world.” You’re doing a great job, in a brave way.

Kymberlie R. McGuire · March 11, 2003 at 7:38 pm

I just had to say that was very brave of you to share. I’ve read your site for quite some time and I know you to be a beautiful person.

Phira · March 12, 2003 at 8:10 am

hmmmmmm…. Tricia you knew I was gonna say something in regards to this topic eventually.
As you know I do have some “nudies” out there on the internet, granted my face isn’t attached to those pics but they are still out there. Do I feel ashamed that they are there? Nope. I think that the human body is a wonderous thing and no one should feel shame for showing some skin. I did it because I had lost a huge amount of weight and wanted to get some feedback. I wanted attention and I definately got it. I don’t do the nudes anymore but I look back at those pics and giggle. I can’t believe I did it, but dang I look good and should be proud of myself. I am beautiful and if I needed validation just for a little while from strangers well then yippee for me.
Tricia, you are a wonderful person and I think you are a beautiful woman. You are always talking down about yourself and I think that showing your tits or ass was a good thing in my opinion. It let you realize that men love women in all shapes and sizes and you ARE a sexy woman. Take the appreciation for what it is.

Darni · March 12, 2003 at 12:45 pm

when i’m feeling high on vanity i dream of posing for playboy (are the men who read playboy, desperate – what about the women who grace the covers). yet when i’m feeling low on self-esteem, i just wanna hurt somebody (lol). nevertheless, when you’re conditioned to believe that showing certain body parts is wrong, you feel guilty for doing, most people – particularly women – do.
we all desire to be admired and adored, down-right-worshiped (well at least at times i do) – for being pretty/cute/beautiful, having a gorgeous body, being smart, being an excellent cook, whatever.
you’re brave and beautiful just by telling this story. shoot we’ve all been naughty in one form or another – may not even be online but somewhere, somehow – we’ve all been down a road or two.

Sheila · March 13, 2003 at 12:38 am

Why did you feel so ashamed. Had you pranced around a nudist colony would you have been ashamed. Is it the fact that men cared about your body and not your obvious intellect? You wanted to do it and so you did. Never feel guilty about your desire to shine.

Daphne · March 13, 2003 at 9:07 am

Ok… now, I’m not going to say, “You shouldn’t feel ashamed,” because, of course, what you feel is up to you.
I will say that I understand the sense of shame that goes with things of this nature (logical or not) and I sincerely admire your ability to face that feeling, analyze it and chose your course of action for here on out with that in mind. I will also say that I don’t believe you did anything wrong – so often it’s difficult to differentiate what we truly feel is right/wrong from what we believe we are supposed to feel is right/wrong. If, in the end, you decide that you feel this behavior is wrong (for you) then I know you’ll have the strength to make a stand on that premise. If not, you’re not hurting anyone and really, isn’t that what matters?
I love you Tricia, I think you’re wonderful and beautiful and I truly wish I could show you you form inside my head:) Hang in there!
{{{{{{{ Tricia }}}}}}}

Lloyd · March 15, 2003 at 3:38 am

uhhhhh… I wanna see a new post! feed me with wisdom.

Lucia · March 15, 2003 at 12:16 pm

Hello!! 🙂
I loved your blog!! It’s really interesting!!
Can I add it in my list of favorites blogs?
see you

Brick · March 16, 2003 at 2:25 pm

There is no shame in sexual exploration. The internet is tempting, it provides a certain level of anonymity, and there’s something out there for every palate. You do you!!!
About the bedroom body thing….I know how you feel. Really, I do. But it truly is all about how you carry yourself. If you carry yourself as if men think you are beautiful, you will be. If you go into the bedroom with your eyes wide open, men will want to caress your body. Ihave tried it both ways. The confident, I don’t give a what attitude is much more fun. And it’s contagious. Irrisistible. It’s hard for a man to deny that you are beautiful if you are telling him that you are.
Okay, this is truning into a dissertation, but here’s what I think. Take a 1/2 hour one day and just stare at yourself naked in the mirror one day. I started doing this in the mirror several years ago, and now I can’t stop. It’s fun. And I love the way I look, You will too, I promise! :lovey:

j. brotherlove · March 17, 2003 at 4:11 pm

Tricia, you are a beautiful and brave woman. Your posts always challenge me to be more honest with myself. Thanks for sharing!

Alex · March 18, 2003 at 4:07 pm

No matter what you do sexually (or otherwise) I would never, EVER presume to judge you, call you a slut, or anything other than what you are — which is a beautiful, amazing, complex woman. I can totally understand how heady that feeling was, I think a lot of us could, and I hope you won’t go on beating yourself up over it… we learn from everything we do and while I won’t tell you not to feel this way or that way, I can tell you from MY standpoint you have nothing to be ashamed of. whether you flashed your entire body or just a smile. 🙂
love you!!!

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