I feel as though I am falling through swirling clouds of blackest night, tumbling towards a fate I dare not contemplate. My mind is a seive, letting go of a thought almost before it completes its formation. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Worse, I am not even sure I WANT to know. WHY can my mind not just allow me to be content? I don’t necessarily need to be happy, not yet, but content would be a damn good start. But no, as soon as I begin to feel contentment envelop me like a warm blanket, something inside my head orders me to withdraw, retreat, run away as if the blanket were possessed of the most vile creature imaginable.

I am afraid to succeed. Why? I have no idea. I only know that over and over and over again, I sabotage myself, ruin my own peace of mind. Right now I am not the kind of person anyone would care to be around. I am a negative cranky screaming termegant, and I feel like I totally deserve whatever crap is happening to me. In fact, I am so down on myself right now that I dare not even post my full feelings here. I know not many people care to hear things like this, but hey, that’s ok, there are plenty of happiness and light blogs out there. If I don’t get at least some of this out of me, I feel like I will just implode, destroy myself, cease to exist.
I was seeing a psychologist, and I was taking medication. I stopped both. I do this ALL the time. I start something, see a few small results, get terrified, and find some excuse, any excuse, to stop going, stop taking the medications. This time, I just didn’t make an appointment, and never called my psychologist back. Yes, I know I NEED to take the medication. I know this in my head, but intellect is not my current strong point. I gained an enormous amount of weight this winter (gee, and I was already a disgusting blimp to start with, this is great), and I am pretty sure the medication had a little to do with it. How can I take a medication that will make me gain weight, thus ADDING to my sense of depression and self-loathing, rather than helping it? It is an unanswerable paradox, and one I just wish would go the hell away. I am tired. Tired of living, tired of getting up, tired of everything and everyone. I want to lay down and sleep and sleep and sleep and I can’t be sure if I would want to wake up again.
I’m scared.

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Categories: Miscellany


Rose · May 20, 2003 at 11:53 am

*hugs* I disagree with you. Friends don’t leave when the going gets tough. I think you shouldn’t hesitate about sharing you feel. I know that I go through down times. I am my own harshest critic and worst enemy.
I wish I knew what to tell you about the medicine. I was losing weight last year, now they have me on medication. I guess I feel better, but it is making me gain weight. I feel like a whale and worse and worse about myself. I am considering getting off them myself. I don’t know which is worse.
You are going to make it through this. If you ever want to just talk, I’m here.

Tam · May 20, 2003 at 1:14 pm

Right there with you. I *never* had weight issues until they put me on an anti-depressant with an appetite stimulant. (“But its got a sleep aid!” “But I eat!” “Just take it. It works.”)
And now I’m suffering from lower self-esteem and it just eggs on the depression.
If you ever need to talk, email me.

Sue · May 21, 2003 at 8:56 am

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you ((((((((((((((Tricia)))))))))))))))

Kari · May 21, 2003 at 9:53 am

well – depression is a f’ed up thing. having had my own series of intense medically unbelievably deep depression and being on medication with extreme side orders i understand a bit of what you’re going thru – but somehow I sense you don’t exactly wanna hear that.
I wrote a poem once about depression – which was my own way of acknowledging my kinda sick love affair I had with it. Depression seems to cloak everything in a nice dark comforter – numbing one to the point of bearable – and breaking free of that often physically HURTS. There are definite plusses to staying depressed – and to not understand your own reasons for wanting to be depressed defeats the purpose of medication – for eventually you will stop – and often times at the time you see “results”.
You know well that there are many medications – and dealing with our illness takes patience and careful thought as to what medications will do the best job. I know that you know that we have the intelligence as well as the resources to find medication that is good for us – but depression’s side effects render us helpless in these circumstances and so we remain victim or vulnerable to not only bad medication but also bad medical advice.
I’m just being the mirror today, Tricia. Showing you back the image of the disease so you aren’t fooled by the ‘you’ inside of you that would rather die to the depression.
When it’s time you’ll fight the ‘block’ whatever that is. You’ll find probably a pocket full of anger that is hardest for you to deal with – but you’ll have the strength suddenly to deal with that – and will be again inspired to hate being depressed again.
You’ve learned the hardest lesson – even though at times it’s hard to remember it –
You deserve better. You’re worth more.
Until you find your way thru – I’ll be here – in whatever way you need me to be. No pressure – just acceptance. Well – until you start talkin about wanting to die – I could never accept that. Sorry – I like having you here too much.

michael · May 26, 2003 at 2:00 am

Hi Tricia,
Been there and it’s tough. Depression is an insidious beast. Even when it is not present it haunts your every minute. You eat and it stays just out of reach. You sleep and hope it won’t find you under the covers. Yet, and yet it is not as strong as it pretends. It is afraid of friends, local or virtual. It does bow down before anti-depressants. It absolutely runs from your child’s smile.
Too many years it ruled my life but has retreated to it’s far away hole. It has no magic but you do.
May you dwell in your heart. May you be free from suffering. May you be healed. May you be at peace.

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