A friend was kind enough to give me a tarot reading via IM the other night. What? A tarot card reading over the internet? There is no way it could possible be accurate! Well, I was kind of thinking that, too. BUT…I gave the reading my full attention and concentration, and treated it just as a regular in-person reading.
Either she is a really intuitive card reader for not knowing me so well, or online readings can work just as well with the right connection (and I don’t mean internet connection :LOL: ). The reading was really excellent, and very true to what I asked the cards to answer for me, and to what my current situation is physically and emotionally. The only thing that disappointed me was that the reading said almost the same thing that all of my readings over the past 12 years or so have said. You are on the verge of a change, but something is holding you back (myself). How much longer can I hold myself back? How much longer can I be afraid? How much longer can I refuse to learn what I must learn in order to break down tha barrier?
There is nothing more frustrating than to be on one side of glass that can only be broken by one instrument, and see exactly what it is that you want on the other side of the glass, be holding the required instrument, but be unable to understand how to work it.
I can intellectually understand that what it is that is holding me back is an extreme fear of success. Oxymoronic, isn’t it? I am depressed because I fail at almost everything, but I am afraid to succeed, so I set myself up to fail because, if nothing else, it is familiar and safe. I was telling Rose, if I succeed, I feel as though I have to keep it up, continue to succeed, or else my failures will appear even WORSE than if I fail all the time. Just when I am on the verge of something, I back down. EVERY time. And I have no idea what it is that could push me over that edge. Or, if I go over the edge, what will keep me from just falling down again on the other side.
I used to think that if I was just given a chance to PROVE myself, a chance to climb the ladder, that that would be all I needed. But I have had a few such chances, and more often than not I sabotaged them myself. Proving only that once again I know how to fail. So, it’s not the chance itself that will get me over. And it’s not my children. Even though I would litwerally give my life for them, even they do not have the power to fix me. Because, of course, that comes from within. But maybe I don’t have enough strength within to pull it off.
I feel like I am a big fake. Smiling on the outside when I want to scream. Laughing when I need to cry. Pretending I am strong when I am as weak as the last noodle left in the pot. Wondering who will find out next. Wondering if I even care. Wondering if YOU even care.
But still, always looking for a way over that wall. Or maybe around it. I don’t know if under is an option. Anyone have a shovel I could borrow?