A friend was kind enough to give me a tarot reading via IM the other night. What? A tarot card reading over the internet? There is no way it could possible be accurate! Well, I was kind of thinking that, too. BUT…I gave the reading my full attention and concentration, and treated it just as a regular in-person reading.
Either she is a really intuitive card reader for not knowing me so well, or online readings can work just as well with the right connection (and I don’t mean internet connection :LOL: ). The reading was really excellent, and very true to what I asked the cards to answer for me, and to what my current situation is physically and emotionally. The only thing that disappointed me was that the reading said almost the same thing that all of my readings over the past 12 years or so have said. You are on the verge of a change, but something is holding you back (myself). How much longer can I hold myself back? How much longer can I be afraid? How much longer can I refuse to learn what I must learn in order to break down tha barrier?
There is nothing more frustrating than to be on one side of glass that can only be broken by one instrument, and see exactly what it is that you want on the other side of the glass, be holding the required instrument, but be unable to understand how to work it.
I can intellectually understand that what it is that is holding me back is an extreme fear of success. Oxymoronic, isn’t it? I am depressed because I fail at almost everything, but I am afraid to succeed, so I set myself up to fail because, if nothing else, it is familiar and safe. I was telling Rose, if I succeed, I feel as though I have to keep it up, continue to succeed, or else my failures will appear even WORSE than if I fail all the time. Just when I am on the verge of something, I back down. EVERY time. And I have no idea what it is that could push me over that edge. Or, if I go over the edge, what will keep me from just falling down again on the other side.

I used to think that if I was just given a chance to PROVE myself, a chance to climb the ladder, that that would be all I needed. But I have had a few such chances, and more often than not I sabotaged them myself. Proving only that once again I know how to fail. So, it’s not the chance itself that will get me over. And it’s not my children. Even though I would litwerally give my life for them, even they do not have the power to fix me. Because, of course, that comes from within. But maybe I don’t have enough strength within to pull it off.
I feel like I am a big fake. Smiling on the outside when I want to scream. Laughing when I need to cry. Pretending I am strong when I am as weak as the last noodle left in the pot. Wondering who will find out next. Wondering if I even care. Wondering if YOU even care.
But still, always looking for a way over that wall. Or maybe around it. I don’t know if under is an option. Anyone have a shovel I could borrow?

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Categories: Miscellany


witchy · June 20, 2003 at 10:48 am

smart lady, thinking of a shovel to go UNDER it.
I feel like I have the same problem. I “know what the problem is” but “How do you Fix It?” what will get you to take that last step?
LUCK to you dear one!! Hold on.

witchy · June 20, 2003 at 10:49 am

oh *G* just wanted you to know, that i’m using the blue/teal/ and purple skin 🙂 LOL don’t know why I decided to tell you now. but there it is. 🙂

Darni · June 25, 2003 at 10:44 am

i guess if you can get a reading over the phone, the internet is just as good. i’ve never had a reading, would like one tho.

sue · June 30, 2003 at 12:32 pm

In my experience, if the cards are telling you the same thing over and over and over, time to act on it. Thinking of you, hon.

Zee · July 30, 2003 at 1:35 am

Well, I must agree, if the cards have been telling you for so long… time to make a change is due. You’ve listened long enough -now it’s time to act.
From personal experience: (1) I know it is sometimes easier said than done, making a change, taking a big step into whatever it is change means for you. But it can be done. It’s taken my 3 years, and I’m still working on it. Yet it’s worth it. (2) Of course online readings work!!! Via Chat, IM, or Email. [Biased opinion here having done readings before for others on the net myself.]
You wrote: “There is nothing more frustrating than to be on one side of glass that can only be broken by one instrument, and see exactly what it is that you want on the other side of the glass, be holding the required instrument, but be unable to understand how to work it.”
Sounds like a scene from Harry Potter, when Harry stands in front of the mirror when facing Lord Voldemort, and learns he holds the Sorcerer’s Stone in his pocket.
Guess what… he didn’t use it. Harry didn’t use the Stone at all. What he did was take action to achieve his goal, which was preventing it from falling into the wrong hands.
Now, guess again. Glass shatters. You don’t need to understand the instrument you are holding… perhaps that is precisely what’s holding you back. Shatter that glass. That is your first step. Then go for what you want. Period.
What I can intuitively tell is that you are a perfectionist, and rather not do something if you think you will do it wrong. This can be what leads to your self sabotage.
So, think of this, do you really know what your goal is, what this change would consist of? Perhaps you need to spend some meditative time, center and ground yourself, pinpoint what you want to do or where you want to be, clearly see what is getting in your way (fear of change? fear of success? fear of doing it right? fear of doing it wrong?), then take action. Baby steps. Keep a pad and pencil handy, journal what you see. Then keep tabs on yourself, keep track of your progress. Tell a friend, someone that loves you and will cheer you on. It will help make you accountable for the change/action you commit to.
OK… I’ve rambled on long enough, and only cause you remind me of myself a while back. Hope you don’t mind. I like your blog and couldn’t help myself.

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