So yesterday I head down to the neurologist’s office to pick up some samples of a new medication he wanted me to try for my headaches. I mentioned that the results hadn’t been in for the MRI yet on Wednesday, so they went hunting for them, and there they were finally. The doctor went to look at them, then came out, and I felt like I was in the middle of one of those really bad 80’s medical shows. You know, where they are smiling in the face of the patient, while in the background everyone is scrambling to find the surgeons.
OK, maybe I am being melodramatic, but the whole atmosphere really kind of freaked me out. He comes out of the office, with his hands up in a placating manner, smiling, saying, “It’s just as I thought, don’t worry, it’s completely benign, completely benign!” Yet not saying what ‘it’ really WAS. Trying to reassure or convince me? Or himself? Because I am not quite sure how you could tell whether something is benign just by looking at a picture of it. You know, without a biopsy. But then, maybe that’s why I am not a neurologist.
The scoop? I have a mass growing inside my brain. 2 centimeters in diameter, according to the report. I only got a brief look at the report, and I was a bit too shaken up to think of asking for a copy, so I am still pretty much in the dark about everything, except for registering that he was saying that I needed to see the neurosurgeon within the next few weeks at the latest. And for me not to worry. Easy enough for someone else to say, I suppose. They don’t have some strange thing that they don’t even know what it really is yet growing inside their brain, the very thing that allows them to function, and to even write on this web page.
I am REALLY REALLY trying to stay positive. Take it one day at a time. To not lose myself in a “why me?” diatribe. But I feel as if I am at one end of a long long tunnel, and everyone else is at the other end, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how fast I run, I still can’t reach that other end. I can’t reach the place where the ‘normal’ people are. I feel completely alone. I know people are THERE, and I want to reach out to them, I really do. I want to feel less alone. I want my mind to stop feeling as though it were full of cotton stuffed with a million buzzing angry bees, all trying to get out of my head at once. I want this whole thing to just STOP.

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Categories: Miscellany


Kim · August 22, 2003 at 2:01 pm

Oh my gosh, Tricia. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re amazingly brave and strong with your positive attitude. I know it’s hard to keep it, but that will be what gets you through.
We don’t know each other really, but if you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to contact me. Sometimes a stranger’s ear can be helpful.

witchy · August 22, 2003 at 2:51 pm

OMG! DARLIN!!! {{{HUGE HUG}}} To You!! I’ll have a candle lit, and the BEST of Wishes going to you!

Shannon Silver · August 22, 2003 at 3:37 pm

Keeping you in our prayers over here. (((Hugs))))

Rue · August 22, 2003 at 3:57 pm

I’m here because i read on another blog that you could use a hug right now. Consider yourself hugged 🙂
I will keep you in my prayers for the Goddess to keep you safe.

Tiffany · August 22, 2003 at 5:13 pm

Kim sent up the call that you needed some support. We’ve never met, but I do hope you will be all right.

France · August 22, 2003 at 9:47 pm

Hi Tricia,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this right now & I pray that you make it through this 100%! You sound like a strong woman!
BTW, I LOVE the look over here, beautiful!

Sue · August 23, 2003 at 11:13 am

(((((((((((((((Tricia))))))))))))))))))) Sending lots of positive vibes and love your way!

Etcetera · August 23, 2003 at 8:19 pm

Hey, love…
I’m about to email you back right now…

Zuly · August 25, 2003 at 12:23 pm

Hi Tricia,
I can’t imagine how frightening this must be for you. Here’s a hug, [[[[[[[[[Tricia]]]]]]]]]], just to let you know you’re not alone. Take gentle care, and keep us updated.
Blessed be —

beth · August 25, 2003 at 2:33 pm

heard you could use some support – hope it helps to know that there are lots of us out here thinking positive thoughts for you!

AutumnRose · August 29, 2003 at 2:08 pm

…..a candle is lit for you, and tons of energy & loving thoughts are heading your way as I type–hang tough! ….you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers!

Tracy · August 31, 2003 at 2:14 pm

What a shock to hear this. Day by day, sweetie. Take it day by day.

WitchyWoman · September 2, 2003 at 10:42 am

I frequently visit your site because it’s such a pretty and well put together one and hadn’t been in in awhile. I was really sad to hear your news but I wanted you to know that, even though we don’t know eachother, I’m sending positive thoughts and prayers to the Goddess your way. Good luck to you and I’ll be looking forward to a post that says all is well with you and yours!

English Bob · October 3, 2003 at 12:23 pm

I never knew. Wow. So sorry to hear that. I had the same thing a few years back. I won’t expand on that until you know more about (and want to tell us about) your own condition, since my experiences may not be relevant, and I don’t want to add to your confusion.

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